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    Category: Food & Drink

    Stupid Customers, like the rest of us have to eat and drink. Sadly like the rest of us, they sometimes eat with the rest of us. For every waiter, server, drive-thru operator, coffee shop barista, and restaurant manager who has had to deal with fake allergies, vegetarians who don’t know the meaning of the word and idiots who have yet to understand the concept of clearly listed ingredients, we salute you!

    Acting Cuckoo

    , | Scotland, UK | Food & Drink, Language & Words, Tourists/Travel

    (Our hotel is in a pretty popular tourist area and we frequently get customers who struggle with English, especially with the bar food menu. My colleagues have already had some trouble making themselves understood when I go over to take one table’s order.)

    Me: “Hi, would you like to order some food?”

    Customer: “Yes, we would like food please.”

    (There is a long awkward pause, until I realise they are not going to order on their own.)

    Me: “So… what food would you like?”

    Customer: “Oh! I would like this. This is steak, yes?”

    (The customer is pointing to lamb shank on the menu.)

    Me: “Oh, no, that’s lamb. Lamb shank, it’s like a small leg. We have a steak just here, if you like?”

    (The customer remains pointing at the lamb shank.)

    Customer: “So this… this is steak?”

    Me: “No, no, this is steak…” *I point* “…and that is lamb.”

    Customer: “So this… what animal?”

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Customer: “What animal this?”

    Me: “Oh! Sorry! That’s lamb. Uh, sheep.”

    Customer: “Sheep?”

    Me: “Yes, sheep. Erm…”

    Customer:Maaaaaaaa?”

    (I am puzzled for a second, and then realise he is making a sheep noise!)

    Me: “Yes, baaaaa!”

    Customer: “Oh! Yes! And this?”

    (The customer points to the steak.)

    Me: “Steak. Cow.”

    Customer:Moooo?”

    Me: “Yes, mooooo!”

    (The customer points to each successive meat dish in turn, and eventually I begin to make the animal noises before he does, to save time. I manage to keep a straight face, because I don’t want him to feel patronised, but his impressions are very funny.)

    Customer: “And this?”

    (The customer points at the last menu item, which is a venison dish.)

    Customer: “What animal, this?”

    Me: “That’s venison, which means deer.”

    Customer: “Deer? What is deer?”

    Me: “Erm…”

    (I stop dead as I realise that I haven’t the faintest idea what noise a deer makes, and am certainly not capable of reproducing it.)

    Me: “It’s… ah… deer… well, it’s… stag. You know, stag?”

    (In desperation, I hold my hands above my head in the shape of antlers. The man looks puzzled for a moment, then seemingly has an epiphany.)

    Customer: “Ah! STAG! Stag…”

    (The customer looks questioningly at his wife, and then at me, seemingly without getting the help he needs.)

    Customer: “I… like… stag?”

    (The customer did end up getting the venison dish, and was very pleased with it. His wife had ‘chicken cluck cluck’ and was likewise satisfied.)

    Getting Owned By The Owner, Part 4

    | Philadelphia, PA, USA | At The Checkout, Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers

    Customer: “Hi, can I get a [sandwich]?”

    Me: “Sure, that’ll be [price].”

    Customer: “Oh, I’m the owner’s brother. I always get a discount.”

    Me: “You’re the owner’s brother?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “No, you’re not.”

    Customer: “How do you know, you f****** b****?”

    Me: “I’m an only child.”

    (I then point to a photo of myself on the wall, with the word ‘OWNER’ just below it.)

    Me: “Full price then?”

    Customer: “…yeah.”

    Related:
    Getting Owned By The Owner, Part 3
    Getting Owned By The Owner, Part 2
    Getting Owned By The Owner

    Customers Give You Crabs

    , | Rehoboth Beach, DE, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink, Theme Of The Month

    (I am working drive-thru. The customer I get sounds drunk, but I don’t think too much of it until he gets to the window. The customer is in the rear seat of the car; the driver is sober.)

    Me: “Good evening. Your total is [total].”

    Customer: “Okay… so that’s… uh…”

    (The customer stares at the money in his wallet for a moment, before handing me a wad of bills.)

    Me: “Alright, here’s your change and your recei—”

    (I turn to hand the customer his change, to see that he now has a large brown paper bag on his lap. He looks at me, then reaches in the bag and pulls out a crab covered in Old Bay seasoning.)

    Customer: “D’you want a crab?”

    Me: “Er… no, thanks.”

    Customer: “You sure? They’re really good!”

    (The customer tries to hand me the crab anyway.)

    Me: “I’m sorry. We’re not allowed to take tips.”

    Customer: “Awww… that sucks. Well, you have a nice night.”

    Me: “Here’s your change. You have a good night, too!”

    (Later, my coworkers ask what took so long. They couldn’t believe he’d offered me crabs! Probably because we all were wondering what he was doing getting fast food when he had something better!)

    A Customer With Felineous Intent

    | GA, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink, Pets & Animals, Theme Of The Month

    (I am a waitress at an upscale seafood and steak restaurant. There is a decorative two-headed zebra cat table at the front of the restaurant. A customer walks in and screams as soon as they see the table.)

    Customer: “Oh my God!”

    (The customer grabs one of my coworkers and puts her car keys in his hand.)

    Customer: “My car is the Toyota parked up on that hill. Open my trunk and put this cat table inside!”

    Coworker: “Uh…”

    (The customer eventually sits in my section. I try to get her started on the menu, but she is completely turned around in her booth looking toward the front of the restaurant.)

    Me: “Is there something wrong?”

    Customer: “I want that cat table!”

    Me: “Um, I’m sorry, but it’s not for sale. It belongs to the owner.”

    Customer: “Well, where is he then? I’m gonna schmooze up to him and then he’ll have to give it to me.”

    Me: “Okay, I’ll let him know what’s going on.”

    (I go to the back to get her something to drink. When I go back to the front, I hear meowing. It’s the customer, and she is gesturing for the table to come.)

    Customer: “Meow, meow, meow! Come here kitty!”

    (I can see that other customers are looking.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you to stop… meowing. It’s making people nervous.”

    (This goes on for half an hour. Eventually, I feel I have to talk to the manager.)

    Me: “Can you please talk to this woman? She wants your cat table. She’s meowing and bothering other customers.”

    Boss: “I’m not getting involved with this.”

    (I go back to the table.)

    Me: “Here’s your check.”

    Customer: “What about the cat table?”

    Me: “So as I said before, the table is not for sale.”

    Customer: “Are you serious? This place isn’t very customer oriented!”

    (After she leaves, I pick up the check. On the back of the receipt was a drawing of a demonic cat with sharp teeth and a note that said ‘You better give me your cat table! -The Cat Lady.’)

    Displacing An Order

    | Buffalo, NY, USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words

    (I am at a local Chinese restaurant to pick up food for my office. I have done a lot of business with these folks. The young lady working seems to have trouble with her English. As I wait, another customer walks in the door.)

    Customer: “Hi, I’m picking up my order my wife placed 20 minutes ago.”

    Worker: “I am sorry. I have no order.”

    (The customer starts getting angry, and the worker is getting upset and trying her best to accommodate him.)

    Customer: “This is un-f******-believable. You people are ridiculous!”

    Worker: “I am so sorry. I will make your food. What did you order?”

    Customer: “You people need to get your s*** together. You need to learn how to COMMUNICATE!”

    (The customer calls his wife.)

    Customer: “Yeah, honey? I’m at [Chinese restaurant] getting our food. They screwed up and didn’t, wait, what? Okay…”

    (The customer hangs up, suddenly looking very timid.)

    Customer: “Yeah, I’m at the wrong place.”

    (I feel the need to comment.)

    Me: “Looks like you need to learn how to COMMUNICATE.”

    (I then grab my food, tip the worker a comfortable amount, and walk out. I can see the smirk on her face, and the embarrassment radiating from the customer.)

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