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    Category: Food & Drink

    Stupid Customers, like the rest of us have to eat and drink. Sadly like the rest of us, they sometimes eat with the rest of us. For every waiter, server, drive-thru operator, coffee shop barista, and restaurant manager who has had to deal with fake allergy’s, vegetarians who don’t know the meaning of the word and idiots who have yet to understand the concept of clearly listed ingredients, we salute you!

    Fresh Out Of Fresh

    | FL, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

    Customer: “Is this chicken fresh?”

    (I tap a huge sticker on the top of the meat case that says FRESH.)

    Customer: “Does that mean it’s fresh?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Because I only want it if it’s fresh.”

    Me: “It is fresh, ma’am.”

    Customer: “How fresh is it?”

    Me: “Uh…”

    Customer: “Because I only want it if it’s fresh.”

    Me: “It is.”

    (The case has four trays of chicken breast in it. She looks between the trays.)

    Customer: “Is this chicken fresher than this chicken?”

    Me: “No, I put them all in there at the same time.”

    Customer: “Well, this one looks fresher than that one. Are you sure this one isn’t fresher than that one?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Well this one looks fresher than that one. Can I see how fresh it is?”

    Me: “Uh…”

    Customer: “Because I only want it if it’s fresh.”

    Me: “As I said, ma’am, it’s perfectly fresh.”

    Customer: “Can you get me the chicken that’s the most fresh? This one looks the most fresh. Definitely more fresh than that one. Can you get me the freshest one?”

    Me: “Absolutely. I know all about being fresh.”

    Customer: “Great!”

    (I grab the nearest chicken breasts and put two in a bag for her, seal it, price it, and hand it to her.)

    Customer: “This is the freshest, right? More fresh than the other ones?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Because I only want it if it’s fresh.”

    Me: “I can assure you that I’ve been as fresh with you as I can get away with, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Great!”

    (She pays and walks out the door.)

    Coworker: “Jesus shoe-shining Christ, how many times did that lady say the word ‘fresh’?”

    Me: *shrugging* “I was really trying not to use a different F-word with her.”

    They’ll Toast To That

    | Toronto, ON, Canada | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Food & Drink, Funny Names

    (I am standing in line at a well-known coffee shop, fairly early in the morning. I hear this exchange between an employee and the customer in front of me.)

    Customer: “Hi. Could I get a large coffee toasted with butter?”

    Employee: “… Sorry?”

    (The employee looks like she is trying not to laugh, when the customer suddenly notices what she’s said.)

    Customer: “No! Wait! I mean a large coffee and a BAGEL toasted with butter.”

    (They both burst out laughing.)

    Customer: “Sorry, it’s early. Although if you’re willing to try and toast a coffee with butter, I’ll pay just to see how it turns out!”

    Common Sense Has Left The Ranch

    | Victoria, BC, Canada | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (I am working at a sandwich shop while in high school. I have just made a sandwich for a customer and gone into the back to grab a few things. The customer returns to the counter to talk to my coworker.)

    Customer: “This is totally unacceptable. I want a new sandwich made!”

    Coworker: “What seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “My sandwich has ranch on it. I hate ranch!”

    Customer’s Boyfriend: “Yes, my girlfriend hates ranch dressing. She would never order a sandwich with ranch!”

    Customer: “You should really check with people before you start making their food, you know!”

    Coworker: “I’m sorry. Let me get another sandwich started for you. What kind did you order?”

    Customer: “Chicken bacon ranch. Oh, but no bacon!”

    Technology That Makes You Cry

    | Tacoma Area, WA, USA | At The Checkout, Food & Drink, Technology, Themed Giveaway

    (I’m working at the self-checkout area assisting customers when issues arise, such as weight discrepancies, inputting coupons, and just giving general help with the system. One customer has a lot of produce which requires a produce code to be input in order to weigh the items on the scale. One customer is growing increasingly frustrated with the produce look-up feature.)

    Customer: *frustrated* “I can’t find where the celery is.”

    Me: “You know…” *shows him feature* “you can actually look things up by name, spelling it out, instead of searching by category. It goes much faster that way. As you type in the letters for the name it’ll narrow the choices.”

    Customer: “Oh, ok. That is much faster.”

    (The customer continues for a few minutes with inputting his produce. It takes him a bit but he’s slowly catching on and learning the system. He stops, stumped, when he can’t find one.)

    Customer: “What is this?” *holds up an onion, looking very confused*

    Me: “… That would be an onion.”

    Customer: “No, I mean the code. I can’t find it.”

    Me: *laughing* “Oh! 4665.”

    (My coworker starts crying because she was laughing so hard at the onion comment and had to walk away for a minute to lose it. We still laugh about ‘that’s an onion’ to this day.)

    Telling Porkies About The Chicken

    | Kansas City, MO, USA | Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers

    (I work in the meat department of a grocery store. A customer brings back a package of chicken to be exchanged. She does not have her receipt so I need to ensure we actually carry the chicken and also make sure I get the weight correct on her exchange. The chicken is wrapped in tin foil and then again in a plastic shopping bag. You could smell a faint odor when you get near it but as I deal with spoiled meat occasionally, it isn’t a big deal.)

    Customer: “I bought this yesterday and it’s spoiled. I just want to exchange it for the same thing.”

    Me: “That’s no problem, ma’am. Just let me get the brand and the size for you and I’ll get it.”

    Customer: “Oh, I really don’t think you want to open that dear. It’s pretty bad.”

    Me: “Be that as it may, I have to open it.”

    (Upon opening the initial plastic we discover the tin foil it’s wrapped in. The customer service associate next to me gags and runs from the room. The smell actually makes my throat burn. Nevertheless I have to open it. It’s wrapped in four layers of tin foil and 2 layers of plastic wrap. When I release the last layer of tin foil and can actually see the chicken, it actually makes a ‘burp’ sound as the gas is released. The chicken is green, like pea soup color. I cannot read the label, for all the slime, to see when the expiration date was.)

    Customer: “See, I told you! It’s awful! Wrap it back up, for goodness sake!”

    Me: “Ma’am, when did you say you bought this package?”

    Customer: “Yesterday morning. I was going to cook it for supper last night.”

    Me: “And it looked like that when you bought it?”

    Customer: “No, of course not. Who would buy chicken that looked like that!”

    Me: “I’m going to have to get my manager.”

    (My manager comes over and opens the chicken very briefly. He asks the same questions and gets the same answers.)

    Manager: “Ma’am, it’s 104 degrees outside. Did you, by chance, buy this a few days ago and leave it in your car?”

    Customer: ” Absolutely not! I bought it yesterday and I want another package of chicken! Now hurry up. I have things to do.”

    Manager: “I’m sorry; I can’t exchange this. There is no way this went bad in your refrigerator overnight. In fact, I think you could have left it on your counter and it wouldn’t smell this bad.”

    (After arguing about it for another 20 minutes the customer picked up the package and threw it on the ground. It exploded green chicken slime which landed on the computers and registers nearby, and all over me, my manager, and the customers waiting in line, including a small child. Two customers actually vomited. I was forced to clean the mess. The real sting in the tale is that the customer with the child sued the store and won a $20,000 settlement.)


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