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  • August Theme Of The Month: Best. Customer. Ever!

    Category: Food & Drink

    Stupid Customers, like the rest of us have to eat and drink. Sadly like the rest of us, they sometimes eat with the rest of us. For every waiter, server, drive-thru operator, coffee shop barista, and restaurant manager who has had to deal with fake allergies, vegetarians who don’t know the meaning of the word and idiots who have yet to understand the concept of clearly listed ingredients, we salute you!

    Free Of Gluten, Free Of Thought, Part 4

    | NSW, Australia | Food & Drink, Health & Body

    (I clean houses for a living. This particular client was a little old lady wanting a once off spring clean.)

    Lady: “Would you like a tea or coffee?”

    Me: “No thank you, but I will take a glass of water if you are offering.”

    Lady: “Sure! I will be right back.”

    (She comes back with a glass of water and a slice of cake.)

    Lady: “Would you like some cake? It’s really nice!”

    Me: *eyeing it off* “Does it have gluten in it?”

    Lady: “Oh, no! I don’t put any in my cakes. Try it; it’s really quite nice.”

    Me: *not entirely convinced* “Did you put flour in it?”

    Lady: “Of course I did… It’s a cake.”

    Me: *sighing* “Flour has wheat in it; therefore it has gluten in it. I’m gluten intolerant, sorry.”

    Lady: “Are you sure?! It’s really very nice.”

    Me: “I’m sure it’s quite lovely but it’s not worth the pain.”

    Lady: “Are you sure?”

    Me: *sigh* “Yes, I’m sure.”

    Free Of Gluten, Free Of Thought, Part 3
    Free Of Gluten, Free Of Thought, Part 2
    Free Of Gluten, Free Of Thought

    Can’t Think Under The Box

    | Tulsa, OK, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    Customer: *calling* “You didn’t give me my entire order.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, what was your order?”

    Customer: “I got a 16-piece family meal, and you didn’t give me my fries!”

    (I had bagged the order myself, and knew the fries were in a box in the same bag as the box of hushpuppies.)

    Me: “Did you look under the hushpuppies?”

    Customer: “Yes, there is nothing in there but the hushpuppies.”

    Me: “No, not the same box as the hushpuppies. Did you take the hushpuppies out and look under them?”

    Customer: “Yes. We took ALL the hushpuppies out. There aren’t any fries in here at all. We are coming back up to get our money back.”

    Me: *sigh* “Did you take the hushpuppies out of the box, or did you take the box out of the bag?”

    Customer: “We took the hushpuppies out.”

    Me: “Take the box out of the bag.”

    Customer: “Oh, there’s a whole ‘nother box here.”

    Me: *in Bill Engvall voice* “Here’s your fries!”

    A Meaty Proposition

    | Albuquerque, NM, USA | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

    (I work at a sub shop for about a year, where customers may have the employees customize their sandwich as it being made. A customer and presumably his girlfriend come in when it’s slow.)

    Customer: “Hey, I’m hungry.”

    Me: “Yes, sir, what would you like?”

    Customer: “Is this the stuff I can get?”

    (Gestures to the pans of food laid out for assembly.)

    Me: “Yes, sir, and here are the types of bread.”

    Customer: “Cool. I want wheat, and all the meats.”

    Me: “All of them?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I want all of these.”

    Me: “That’s going to be very expensive.”

    Customer: “Why?”

    (I don’t make the sandwich, instead calculating what the whole single sandwich would cost with every additional meat including steak, chicken, bacon, ham, salami, bologna, turkey, and tuna. Something like twenty five bucks. Once he hears that, he looks at me like I was eating live scorpions and shoos his lady-friend right out of the door.)

    Manager: *rubbing his temples* “I’m so glad I retire next month.”

    Drinking The Tears Of Sadness

    | UK | Bizarre, Food & Drink

    (I work behind the bar at a concert of a [popular band]. It’s a big event, but the bar isn’t as busy as we feared, just a bit understocked. Towards the end of the show, Customer #1 comes asking for a drink.)

    Me: “No problem. Will that be everything for you?”

    Customer#1: “Yes, thank you. Do you accept card?”

    Me: “Sorry, not tonight. But there is a cash machine outside the hall, just by the entrance.”

    Customer#1: “Okay, then. I’ll go get the cash and you get that drink poured in the meantime.”

    (She goes off to the lobby, so I turn to serve another person.)

    Customer #2: “Hiya, I’ll have [the same drink as Customer #1].”

    Me: “Sure, let me just get it for you.”

    (I notice that it’s our last can of that particular beverage. After I’ve served it, Customer #1 comes back.)

    Me: “Hello again. I’m terribly sorry, but it looks like we’ve just run out of [drink]. I apologize for the misinformation. Perhaps I can offer you a different drink?”

    (The [popular band] starts playing another song. Customer #1 is silent for a moment or two and then she bursts into tears, unable to say a word, just standing there and trying to get herself together.)

    Me: “Are you all right, ma’am?”

    Customer#1: “Yes, just…” *keeps crying*

    Me: “…Are you sure?”

    Customer#1: *in tears* “It’s okay. Just a [different drink], please. Oh, my goodness.”

    (By this point I wasn’t sure whether it was the drink, the song, or something else entirely that caused that outburst. She didn’t say another word, paid quietly, and left without her change, leaving me a generous tip. I’m confused to this day.)

    Overly Loud Trash Talking

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink

    (It’s my girlfriend’s 21st birthday, so to celebrate I’ve taken her to a very expensive dinner. Part way into our meal two women who are very obviously drunk are seated next to us. The meal has ten courses, each with its own alcoholic accompaniment, and despite complaints from other customers about how loud and obnoxious the women have been the wait-staff are not allowed to stop serving them.)

    Me: *to our server* “Is there any way you could at least water down their drinks? I can’t even hear [Girlfriend] from across the table!”

    Server: “I’m really sorry; we aren’t allowed to say anything. I’ve already apologized to the other guests. Since you’re a guest you can say something if you want.”

    (15 minutes later, after the women have finished bickering loudly about one of their exes and throwing their unfinished plates to the end of the table one of their cell phones goes off.)



    Drunk Woman #2: “Trash? Did she just call me trash?!”

    (A manager rushes over to their table:)

    Manager: “Ladies I’m sorry, but since you have done nothing but cause a disturbance since you arrived I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

    Drunk Woman #1: “We didn’t cause a disturbance. That fat b**** over there yelled at us for no reason! My father is going to deal with you!”

    Manager: “Unfortunately, you need to leave.”


    (After they left the manager came over and offered us both a complimentary cocktail and a thank you!)

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