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    Category: Food & Drink

    Stupid Customers, like the rest of us have to eat and drink. Sadly like the rest of us, they sometimes eat with the rest of us. For every waiter, server, drive-thru operator, coffee shop barista, and restaurant manager who has had to deal with fake allergies, vegetarians who don’t know the meaning of the word and idiots who have yet to understand the concept of clearly listed ingredients, we salute you!

    Not A Grain Of Sense

    | DE, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

    (An obviously drunk customer wanders into my fragrance shop in the local farmers’ market.)

    Customer: “Do you sell grain alcohol in here?”

    Me: “No, sir, but there is a liquor store and a pharmacy across the street.”

    Customer: “Does anyone sell grain alcohol in here?”

    Me: “No, sir. It is only legal to sell that product in drugstores or liquor stores in this state.”

    (I’m trying hard to convince myself that the man needs it for his child’s science experiment, or to fuel a bottle rocket. He is peering woozily at my shelves full of fragrances for men and women.)

    Customer: “Can you drink any of this stuff?”

    Having A Whine About The Wine

    | Glasgow, Scotland, UK | Food & Drink, Time

    (I work at the fish counter in a well-known supermarket chain. This exchange takes place just before nine am on a Saturday, one hour after opening. A well-dressed woman walks up.)

    Me: *smiling* “Hi, there, what can I get you?”

    Customer: “I’d like four of the salmon fillets in two oven bags with lemon butter.”

    Me: “No problem.” *printing the barcode labels to stick to the bags* “I don’t mean to be rude or anything, but how much longer will you be in the store for?”

    Customer: “What do you mean?”

    Me: “It’s just that I notice you have milk, meats, and various chilled items, as well as your fish.”

    Customer: *looking suspicious* “Does that matter?”

    Me: “You also have several bottles of wine in your trolley.”

    Customer: “I don’t see the problem here.”

    Me: “Alcohol can only be sold during licensing hours, which here is 10 ’til 10. You’d have to be in-store for at least another hour before you can buy any.”

    (By this point I have bagged the salmon, heat-sealed it and am now sticking on the labels.)

    Customer: “But I need this wine today! I’m having friends round for dinner; that’s why I need the salmon!”

    Me: “It’s no problem. You could leave the wines here at the counter. The aisle’s just there and we’re not busy yet, so I can put them back, or I can hold them here at the counter for you until you come to get them after 10.”

    Customer: “I don’t have time for that! I’m having friends round and I need to cook!”

    Me: “Well, nobody can sell alcohol before 10, so that’s really your only option, unless come back later and redo your whole shop, but that’s just inconvenient for everyone.”

    (I hand her the bags of salmon, which she throws in the trolley.)

    Customer: “Never mind, then.”

    (She then flounced off, leaving the trolley parked in front of the counter, full of shopping. I called after her; she ignored me and left the store. I had to call colleagues from various other departments to take the trolley back, root through it, and take the items from their departments back to the shelves and fridges/freezers. I just cut open the salmon bags and put the fillets back on display.  The kicker, though? I came back from my hour lunch break a little after one, and she was having a go at the colleague covering me for “not keeping all her shopping aside for her, ‘like that stupid little kid promised.’” I took a great deal of pleasure informing her she’d have to redo the lot.)

    Turning Into A Boating Disaster

    | Calgary, AB, Canada | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Money

    (I work at a Japanese restaurant, and we do take-outs.)

    Customer: “Hi, I’d like to order some takeout, please.”

    Me: “Sure! Please take a seat and fill out our takeout menu form, sir.”

    (A couple minutes later, the customer approaches me.)

    Me: “Hi, ready to order?”

    Customer: “Actually, no. It says here on the menu that you guys sell sushi boats for takeout?”

    Me: “Yes, we certainly do.”

    Customer: “Does it come with the wooden boat?”

    Me: “Unfortunately, since this is a takeout order, the love boat order will be packed in a large plastic tray.”

    Customer: “Oh, d***. The only reason I would ever order that is if it came with the boat!”

    (The customer places his order, and says he’ll be back in 20 minutes to pick it up. He comes back 10 minutes later.)

    Customer: “Is my order ready yet?”

    Me: “It should be about 10 more minutes. Sorry about that. Would you like a water or hot tea to drink while you wait?”

    Customer: “No! Actually, do you know where I can buy alcohol at this time?”

    Me: “Unfortunately, I am not of legal drinking age yet so I wouldn’t know.”

    Customer: “Does that mean I get a discount on my food?”

    Scrambling Up The Order

    | Paris, France | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    Woman: “I want an omelette: no mushrooms, no meat, no onion, no salt, no pepper, and could the eggs be scrambled?”

    Waiter: “So, you want scrambled eggs with tomatoes and cheese?”

    Woman: “No, I want an omelette.”

    100% Party People

    | NY, USA | Food & Drink

    (I work in a popular grocery store known for its specialty food, customer services, and low prices. As a result, people tend to assume we will know everything about specialty items that we don’t actually carry. A woman and her husband approach me.)

    Customer: “Hi. Do you have a thing with figs that you can serve at a party?”

    Me: “Sure, we might. What kind of thing are you looking for?”

    Customer: “Well, it’s got figs and you can serve a lot of it at a party.”

    Me: “Okay. Is it a cracker or a cookie or a chip?”

    Customer: “Yes. But it’s not one of those.”

    Me: “So, not like a fig newton?”

    Customer’s Husband: “A fig newton is a cookie!”

    Me: “So, can you describe it in anymore detail?”

    Customer: “Sure, it’s got figs and you can serve it at a party.”

    Customer’s Husband: “You have to say more than just ‘figs.'”

    Me: “What is it made from?”

    Customer: “Well, this one was made of figs.”

    Me: “Okay. And…?”

    Customer: “…and you can put it on a big platter and serve a lot of it at a party.”

    (I don’t think her husband knew what she was talking about, either. Eventually I sent her in the direction of the dried figs. She never came back around to me, so hopefully she found what she was looking for without repeating the words “fig” and “party” to another crew member.)

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