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    Category: Food & Drink

    Stupid Customers, like the rest of us have to eat and drink. Sadly like the rest of us, they sometimes eat with the rest of us. For every waiter, server, drive-thru operator, coffee shop barista, and restaurant manager who has had to deal with fake allergies, vegetarians who don’t know the meaning of the word and idiots who have yet to understand the concept of clearly listed ingredients, we salute you!

    Not Seeing The Forest For The Greasy Trees

    | Birmingham, AL, USA | Food & Drink

    (I’m working the concession stand, and a customer has just ordered a jumbo popcorn.)

    Customer: “Is that real butter in the squirty thing?”

    Me: “It’s vegetable oil with artificial butter flavoring.”

    Customer: “Okay, gimme some of that.”

    Me: *squirting some butter* “There you go. Can I get you anything else?”

    Customer: “Little more, please?”

    Me: *squirt* “How’s that?”

    Customer: “Keep going. I’ll say when.”

    (I keep squirting until there’s about two inches of yellow oil in the bottom of the tub. The popcorn is starting to float out the top.)

    Customer: “Okay, that’s good.”

    Me: “Alright, then. Is there anything else you’d like today?”

    Customer: “Lemme have a Diet Coke. A small one. I’m trying to watch my weight.”

    It’s Not Just The Bread That’s Thick

    | Madison, WI, USA | Food & Drink

    Customer: “How thick do you slice my bread?”

    Me: “It depends how thick you’d like it. We have both a thin and thick slicer.” *gestures to show each thickness*

    Customer: “Are you sure that’s as thick as you slice the bread? Show me a thick slice. Maybe you got it wrong.”

    Me: “Okay, one moment.” *gets a thick slice of bread*

    Customer: “That’s it? THAT’S your thick slice? You didn’t grab the thin by mistake?”

    Me: “No, sir, I made sure to get a thick slice. I don’t have to slice it if you’d rather do it yourself.”

    Customer: “No! I shouldn’t have to slice it myself to make it filling! You should change your bread. I’m used to good, thick European bread. You shouldn’t even be called a bakery, you don’t make real bread!”

    Me: “Sorry, I don’t actually make the bread. I just sell it.”

    Customer: “Oh, and I suppose you didn’t name the company either?”

    Me: “No, I didn’t.”

    Customer: “DON’T GET SMART WITH ME!”

    Fast Food For Fast Thinkers

    , | Maryland, USA | Food & Drink, Geeks Rule, Top

    (I am working as a cashier and two customers come in talking loudly about how dumb minimum wage fast-food workers are. One of them decides to prove it…)

    Customer: “Let me ask you a question. What’s 7 times 7?”

    Me: “49.”

    Customer: “What’s 8 times 8?”

    Me: “64.”

    Customer: “E equals MC squared?”

    Me: “What about it?”

    Customer: “What does it mean?”

    Me: “Energy equals mass times the speed of light squared.”

    Customer: “Uhm…”

    Me: “Would you like fries with that?”

    When Super-Sized Burgers Meet Bite-Sized Brains

    , | NSW, Australia | Food & Drink

    (At the fast food restaurant where I work, we’ve just introduced a burger that is very large. Three customers come into the store…)

    Customer #1: “Can I get that new burger?”

    Me: “Sure, would you like anything else?”

    Customer #2: “Oh my God! You’re getting the new burger?!”

    Customer #1: “Yeah!”

    Customer #2, to me: “Hey, would that burger fit in my mouth?” *opens his mouth wide*

    Me: “No, sir. I seriously believe it won’t.”

    Customer #2: “What about now?” *opens bigger*

    Me: “No, sir.”

    Customer #2: “NOW?” *opens it as large as he possibly can*

    Me: “No.”

    Customer #3: “I apologise for his small mouth.” *hits the second customer on the head*

    Me: “That’s okay.”

    Customer #3: “So, would it fit in mine?” *opens mouth*

    Me: “No it won’t, sir…”

    Pretty In Puke

    | New York, NY, USA | Food & Drink

    (I’m a customer eating at a restaurant which has a house challenge: if you eat one of their extra large pizzas by yourself, you’ll get it free and get your name and picture on the wall. I’m watching another customer who has eaten half the pizza when this happens:)

    Chef: “You having trouble there, buddy?”

    Customer: “Nah man, I got this, I got this…”

    (The customer takes another bite, chokes it down and throws up on the floor.)

    Chef: “Woah, woah! Someone get that cleaned up. Buddy, I think you need to stop.”

    Customer: “Nah man, I got this, I can do this!”

    (The customer vomits again.)

    Chef: “Alright that’s it. You gotta quit, both for your sake and mine.”

    Me: “He’s spitting out more than he’s eating.”

    Customer: “Man just…gimme like two minutes and I’ll be okay.”

    Chef: “Tell you what, you get outta my store and I’ll give you the pizza for half-off.”

    Customer: “No way, I can do this! You just watch! You watch me right here, right now!”

    (He takes another couple bites, but doesn’t vomit this time.)

    Chef: “Look buddy, you puked. That automatically disqualifies you. Just go on home before I gotta throw you out.”

    Customer: “Nooooo! You don’t get it bro, I gotta do this!” *forces more pizza in his mouth*

    Chef: “Sorry buddy, but that’s it. You’re torturing yourself.”

    (The chef and another customer drag the guy outside, and that was the last I saw him that night. I later found out that the guy showed up the next day at the restaurant in a pink dress. Apparently, he had a bet with his friend that if he didn’t eat the whole pizza, he’d have to wear the dress for a day…)

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