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    Category: Food & Drink

    Stupid Customers, like the rest of us have to eat and drink. Sadly like the rest of us, they sometimes eat with the rest of us. For every waiter, server, drive-thru operator, coffee shop barista, and restaurant manager who has had to deal with fake allergies, vegetarians who don’t know the meaning of the word and idiots who have yet to understand the concept of clearly listed ingredients, we salute you!

    Flattery Is Fully Charged

    | Wilmington, DE, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink

    Me: “Hello! I’m [name] and I’ll be your server today. Are you ready to order?”

    Customer: “No! You can’t serve me! You’re prettier than I am! You’re damaging my self-esteem!”

    Me: *pause* “Well, you can request another server, if you like?”

    Customer: “Yes! Get me another server. Someone less pretty!”

    (Another waitress comes out. She’s perfectly good-looking, but visibly older than the customer whereas I’m younger, so we figured that would be okay.)

    Waitress: “May I take your order, ma’am?”

    Customer: “No no no! I asked for someone who isn’t pretty! Doesn’t this place employ ugly people?!”

    (In the end, after deciding that even the male servers were far too good-looking, she left us feeling flattered, but very confused.)

    Knocked It Before He Thai’d It

    | St. Paul, MN, USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words

    (Our store has a hot lunch station, which includes soup made in house.)

    Customer: “Is there a schedule for the soups? Like, is it the same thing week after week?”

    Me: “It is right here.” *pointing to this month’s soup menu*

    Customer: “It seems like the soups lately have all been kind of, well, leftish fringe. All red lentils and stuff.”

    (He scrutinizes the menu, muttering to himself.)

    Customer: “Ha! ‘German Sausage and Potato’. That’s normal. Who knows what the h*** is in ‘Thai Curry’."

    Don’t Have A Cow Man

    | Canberra, Australia | Food & Drink, Top

    (It is a very busy morning and I am the only one on staff. A customer cuts past the line and starts asking about soy milk quite angrily.)

    Customer: “I need soy milk. I’m vegan.”

    Me: “I can’t guarantee that the milk is 100% vegan, sir.”

    Customer: “Show me your soy milk! Hurry up!”

    (I leave the coffee machine and get one for him.)

    Me: “We have [brand] soymilk. Is that okay?”

    Customer: “What are the ingredients? Hurry up! I’m vegan.”

    Me: “Soy juice, sir. You can read it if you want and see if it’s okay for you.”

    Customer: “I don’t have time to read! You read it for me! I’m vegan!”

    Me: “I don’t have time to read it for you. I’m busy serving the 10 people you pushed in front of.”

    Customer: *waving bottle* “I need you to read it! I’m a vegan!”

    Regular customer: “Shut the f*** up and go buy your own Soy milk then.”

    Customer: “You can’t say that to me!”

    (The vegan guy throws the soy on the counter and storms off.)

    Me: “Thanks guys.”

    Regular Customer: “Can I have a latte on light milk? You don’t have to read the ingredients. I’m pretty sure it came from a cow.”

    Not Much Food For Thought

    | Livonia, MI, USA | Food & Drink

    (I’m a hostess seating a very attractive couple and their adorable 9-month-old baby.)

    Me: "Do we have anything to celebrate tonight?"

    Wife: "No…well…"

    Me: "Yes?"

    Wife: *as if divulging a great secret* "Well, I’ve been on a cleanse since I had my baby, and I’m only allowed to eat on certain days. Today…I get to eat DINNER!"

    Me: “Uhm…”

    Wife: *nervous giggle*

    Navy Seal’s Fate is Sealed

    | Toulon, France | Awesome Customers, Food & Drink, Military, Top

    (The restaurant is near a Navy base and thus, sometimes, sailors and officers off-duty come to eat. A man and his girlfriend come in. They haven’t reserved a table, were rude and snotty with my co-workers, complained a lot about the food and talked loudly and sometimes mocked the other customers. My manager decides that enough is enough when the man lit a cigarette after requesting his bill.)

    Manager: “Sir, you can’t smoke here.”

    Customer: “Yes I can.”

    Manager: “Sir, you’re in a smoke-free zone. Either go away or put out this cigarette.”

    (The customer gets up. He’s clearly taller and larger than the manager and glances at him.)

    Customer: “Buddy, listen. I’m a Navy’s lieutenant, so I’m not going to take crap from civvies. Just shut up and let me smoke.”

    (At this point, I decide to call the police when I notice another customer with his family getting up and going straight to the troublemaker.)

    Customer #2: “Did I hear you’re in the Navy?”

    Customer: “Yeah, so?”

    Customer #2: “You work at the base here?”

    Customer: “What? Get the f*** out, you d*** civvie!”

    Customer #2: “You know [name]?”

    Customer: “Who the f*** are you and what the f*** do you want?”

    Customer #2: “Do you know [name]?”

    Customer: “[name] is my superior!”

    Customer #2: “Well, I’m HIS superior, and as soon as I’m out of here, I’ll make sure he lights your a** up.”

    (The second customer pulls out a military ID and shows it to him. The troublemaking customer goes white, apologizes profusely to the manager and the customer, pays his bill and storms off with his girl WHILE SOBBING. Turns out the man showed him his military ID, and he’s a Navy’s rear-admiral. Needless to say, we gave a huge discount to the officer.)

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