Stupid Customers, like the rest of us have to eat and drink. Sadly like the rest of us, they sometimes eat with the rest of us. For every waiter, server, drive-thru operator, coffee shop barista, and restaurant manager who has had to deal with fake allergies, vegetarians who don’t know the meaning of the word and idiots who have yet to understand the concept of clearly listed ingredients, we salute you!
Customer: “Can I have a [competitor's burger] please?”
Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We don’t do that burger. The [competitor] is across the street.”
Customer: “But I have a coupon.”
Me: “That does not change the fact that we don’t serve that burger here.”
Customer: “Can you read, mister?”
Me: “Very well.”
Customer: “Well, I can, too! The coupon says available at all locations, smart-a**!
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 4
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 3
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 2
No Fortitude For Longitude
No Aptitude For Latitude
Customer: “My wife and I were wondering if it would be okay to bring our chihuahua in while we eat?”
Me: “I’m sorry, but health department rules say we can’t allow any animals other than service animals in the restaurant.”
Customer: “Oh, okay. That’s no problem.”
(He leaves, then comes back in with his wife and a dog-shaped bulge underneath his shirt. My manager, who had overheard the conversation, comes to the register.)
Manager: “I’m sorry, sir, but it’s a violation of health code to have the dog in the restaurant.”
Customer: “What dog?”
(The dog then pokes his head out of the customer’s shirt.)
Customer: *stammering* “Well, uh, he’ll stay right here. He won’t get out. He’s very clean and has good manners!”
(A wet spot begins to appear on the man’s shirt.)
Customer: “Maybe I’ll just go through the the drive thru…”
Me: “Welcome to [restaurant name]. My name is Julie and I’ll be talking care of you today. What may I get you to drink?"
Customer: “Where am I?!”
Customer’s Daughter: “She’ll have a vodka on the rocks…straight.”
Customer: “Who are you?! Where’s my juice?!”
Me: “Um…” *looks at customer, then back at the daughter* “Are you sure?”
Customer’s Daughter: “Trust me, the vodka is the only thing that shuts her up.”
(I bring them the vodka.)
Customer: “Who are you!? My juice is funny!”
(3 vodkas later.)
Me: “How was your meal, ladies?”
Customer: “You smell nice. And you have good juice.”
(A woman comes up to me while I’m taking down the dried out, bad corn from the display.)
Customer: "You just throw those away?"
Me: "Yep, we have to throw out the bad ones."
Customer: "You mean they don’t donate it to the poor or anything?"
Me: "Well, no. Our store does donate to the unfortunate, but it’s usually money or fresh product."
Customer: "But poor people are used to eating bad food! They eat out of the trash all the time! You don’t have to give them good food!"
Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”
(Note: the customer speaks like a wrestling announcer, which continues for this entire conversation.)
Customer: “I need a medium pizza with four, count ‘em, four toppings!”
Me: “Alright, let me just grab a pen to write your order.”
Customer: “What are those toppings you may ask? Well, they are mushrooms, green peppers, pineapple, and sliced tomatoes!”
Me: “Alright sir, I have all of that written down and your pizza should be ready in about–”
Customer: “I will return in ten, count ‘em, ten minutes, and my pizza had better be ready!”
Me: “Well we will certainly do our best, sir.”
Customer: “Good! And if your best is not good enough, well, so be it!”