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    Category: Food & Drink

    Stupid Customers, like the rest of us have to eat and drink. Sadly like the rest of us, they sometimes eat with the rest of us. For every waiter, server, drive-thru operator, coffee shop barista, and restaurant manager who has had to deal with fake allergies, vegetarians who don’t know the meaning of the word and idiots who have yet to understand the concept of clearly listed ingredients, we salute you!

    Big Ol’ Bag Of Bagel-y Biggle Bits

    , | Sacramento, CA, USA | Food & Drink

    (I work at a pretzel place in a mall. On the posters, menu, and signs hanging in our store and outside of it, the bite-sized pieces of pretzels are called “pretzel bites”. It says that everywhere because they’re our most popular product.)

    Me: “Hi, welcome to [store]. What can I get for you today?”

    Customer: “Can I get some of your pretzel nubbins?”

    Me: “Ex-Excuse me?”

    Customer: “The nubbins. The little bits. The pretzel bagels.”

    Me: “Do…do you mean pretzel bites?”

    Customer: “Yeah, the bagel bites, or the pretzel nuggets. With salt.”

    Me: “So you want a big ol’ bag of bagel-y biggle bits, huh?”

    Customer: *offended* “Excuse you?”

    Me: “Small, medium, or large pretzel nubbins, ma’am?”

    Picky Penny Pinching Plant Pilfering Patrons Provide Poor Perks

    | Ohio, USA | Food & Drink, Money

    (A couple walks in, takes a look at the buffet, and then signals me over.)

    Me: “What can I do for you?”

    Customer: “So, we’re vegetarian. What can we eat?”

    (I point out which dishes are vegetarian and explain a little bit about the food.)

    Customer: “Okay, thanks, but we aren’t going to be eating any meat. Can you please take the chicken dishes away? We don’t want them.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but this is a buffet open to everyone. Other customers will eat the chicken dishes.”

    Customer: “Well, can you just move them aside for me then? I don’t want to look at them. We won’t be needing them.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I can’t change the order of the buffet. If you look, you’ll notice that the chicken and vegetarian are completely separate from each other. It would be hard to get them confused.”

    Customer: “Okay, fine! Also, we don’t eat that much, so you should only charge us for one buffet.”

    (They both proceed to get at least 5 plates each. Normally I would have charged them for two people, but my workplace is pretty lenient. I don’t want to cause any more trouble, so I only charge them for one buffet when the wife comes up to pay.)

    Me: “That will be $8.50, please.”

    Customer: “What?! But I told you to only charge us for one buffet! We didn’t eat that much!”

    Me: “We charge $7.99 per person plus tax. I only charged you for one.”

    Customer: *happily* “Oh, okay!”

    (She hands me 25 cents.)

    Customer: “Here you go, dear! I know how you servers don’t like being tipped on a credit card! This way, you won’t get taxed! Thanks so much!”

    English And Polish And French, Oh My

    | Krakow, Poland | Food & Drink, Language & Words

    (Our bakery in question sells the best cupcakes, muffins and American coffee in town. It attracts a lot of English-speaking clients. Therefore, all the staff speaks excellent English. I am standing in line behind an elegant woman in her mid 30s.)

    Cashier, in Polish: “Good morning, ma’am. What can I get you?”

    Customer, in French: “I’d like a coffee with milk, please.”

    Cashier, switching to English: “Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am. I don’t speak French.”

    Customer, in French: *appalled* “What?! I don’t understand! You’re talking to me in English!”

    (She turns to other customers in line.)

    Customer, in French: “She’s talking to me in English!”

    Me, to the cashier: “I know French. Maybe I could help?”

    Me, to the customer, in French: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Maybe I could translate for you? What would you–”

    Customer, in French: “She’s talking to me in English!”

    Me: “Yes, she is. She doesn’t speak French. Don’t worry, I can translate for you.”

    Customer: “But we’re in Poland! And she’s talking to me in English! Isn’t that illegal?!”

    Have Mouth, Will Shovel

    , | Kannapolis, NC, USA | Food & Drink

    Me: “What can I get you today?”

    Customer: “I’ll have the grinder.”

    Me: “Okay, what would you like on it?”

    Customer: “Whatever is on a grinder.”

    Me: “Ma’am, a grinder is just another name for a sandwich–just like hoagie or sub. I need to know what you would like on it.”

    Customer: “How should I know what’s on a grinder? The old place had a grinder. I ordered a grinder, and they gave me a grinder!”

    Me: “So, you don’t know what kind of meat or cheese you would like?”

    Customer: “Whatever is on a grinder! They made a grinder, and they put the right stuff on it! How would I know what I eat?!”

    George Foreman Would Not Be Happy

    | Jacksonville, FL, USA | Food & Drink

    Me: “Good afternoon. What can I get for you?”

    Resident: “I will have a grilled cheese without the bread.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. Our grilled cheese only comes on bread.”

    Resident: “Well, I don’t like bread. Your menu says I can have a grilled cheese, and I want it without bread!”

    Me: “Okay, I will be right back with that.”

    (I walk into the kitchen, and tell the cook the request. She puts two slices of cheese on a plate, and microwaves it. I then take it out to the resident.)

    Me: “Here you go.”

    Resident: “What is this? This isn’t a grilled cheese. Where are the grill marks?”

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