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    Category: Food & Drink

    Stupid Customers, like the rest of us have to eat and drink. Sadly like the rest of us, they sometimes eat with the rest of us. For every waiter, server, drive-thru operator, coffee shop barista, and restaurant manager who has had to deal with fake allergies, vegetarians who don’t know the meaning of the word and idiots who have yet to understand the concept of clearly listed ingredients, we salute you!

    Red Grapes Or Wrath

    | Toronto, Canada | At The Checkout, Food & Drink

    (It is 9:30 pm on a Friday night. Note that the store closes at 10 pm.)

    Customer: “Hi, do you have any more red grapes? These ones look pretty rough.”

    Me: “No, sorry sir, but we’re all sold out of grapes.”

    Customer: “Oh, really? I think you’re lying. Get me some more grapes from the back.”

    Me: “Sir, I can assure you that if there were any more grapes, I’d have displayed them already.”

    Customer: “Bull! You just don’t want to bring me any so you can go home early!”

    Me: “No, we just don’t have any left. Our shipment comes in at 9:30 am tomorrow.”

    Customer: “What? No, it doesn’t. There aren’t any delivery trucks here at 9:30!”

    Me: “Sir, I’m not lying to you, so I’d appreciate if you stopped accusing me of doing so.”

    Customer: “Let me talk to your manager! I bet he has some grapes in the back!”

    Me: “Look, sir. My manager has gone home for the night. I am certain that there is no secret back room that only he has access too.”

    Customer: “Well, fine! This is the last time I shop here!”

    (He reluctantly buys a bag of green grapes instead and walks away.)

    Related:
    The Grapes Or Wrath

    Justice Is (Self) Served

    | Attleboro, MA, USA | Food & Drink, Movies & TV

    (This occurred approximately 4-5 years ago, but continues to be a favorite to tell the newbies. There are four concession stand workers and we are all on one side of the stand talking late one night.)

    Me: *returning from other side* “Hey guys, did we remove the salted pretzel from the display?”

    Coworker #1: “Not that I know of.”

    Coworker #2: “Yeah, that’s weird. Maybe the manager knows.”

    (She finds our manager.)

    Coworker #2: “Did you get rid of the pretzel display model?”

    Manager: “No.”

    Coworker #1: “You don’t think someone stole it do you?”

    Coworker #2: “No, that would be stupid!”

    (Then, we see a teen wandering the lobby looking a little bewildered, munching on a pretzel.)

    Me: “Um…did you get that pretzel from the case there?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “That is a display model only. It has been there for a year and a half. It’s also been treated with shellac.”

    (The customer takes a bite.)

    Customer: *muffled* “Tastes pretty good to me!”

    (The customer wanders off unsteadily and we all stare in utter shock.)

    Manager: “Keep an eye on him. He’s probably going to be violently sick.”

    Getting Pork(ed)

    | Massachusetts, USA | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

    Customer: “I would like a pound of vagina ham.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “A pound of vagina ham, please!”

    Me: “Don’t you mean Virginia ham?”

    Customer: “Virginia ham, vagina ham, whatever! Just give me a pound of it.”

    Me: “Anything else?”

    Customer: “Yeah, slice it real nice.”

    Wine & Spirits Of Camraderie

    | Kingston, ON, Canada | Food & Drink

    (It’s St. Patrick’s Day at my bar. I see a patron who has had too much to drink.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, miss, but I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

    Patron: “Can I just finish my beer?”

    Me: “I can’t let you do that.”

    Patron’s friend: “Why are you kicking her out? I’m drunker than she is!”

    Me: “Then you can leave, too!”

    Meathead In The Making

    | Orange County, CA, USA | Food & Drink

    (I am a server assistant at a popular 40′s style diner.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, there’s something wrong with my burger.”

    Me: “What is it?”

    Customer: “Well, it doesn’t have a bun.”

    Me: “Hmm, what did you order?”

    Customer: “The all-natural, low-carb burger.”

    Me: “Well, the bun is made of bread which is loaded with carbs. So, if you wanted a low-carb burger, there would be no bun.”

    Customer: “Oh…that makes sense now!”

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