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    Category: Food & Drink

    Stupid Customers, like the rest of us have to eat and drink. Sadly like the rest of us, they sometimes eat with the rest of us. For every waiter, server, drive-thru operator, coffee shop barista, and restaurant manager who has had to deal with fake allergies, vegetarians who don’t know the meaning of the word and idiots who have yet to understand the concept of clearly listed ingredients, we salute you!

    Half A Brain And A Pound Foolish

    , | TN, USA | Food & Drink

    Me: “Would you like to try our new Texas Toast Bacon Cheese Thickburger?”
     
    Customer: “Nope. I want a… I’m not sure what it is called. But it has BBQ sauce, bacon, cheese and all that.”
     
    Me: “Okay, that is our Texas Toast Bacon Cheese Thickburger.”
     
    Customer: “Yeah, sure.”
     
    Me: “Okay, would you like to add fries and a drink for a combo?”
     
    Customer: “Nope, no combo.”
     
    Me: “Okay, would you like the quarter, third, or half pound for that?”
     
    Customer: “For what?”
     
    Me: “The size of the meat patty; you can get either the quarter, third, or half pound.”
     
    Customer: “I’m not stupid; I can read a sign. Is the half pound the biggest?”
     
    Me: “Yes, sir.”
     
    Customer: “So, the quarter-third is next size down?”
     
    Me: “No, sir. Those are two different sizes. The third is smaller than the half, but larger than the quarter. The quarter is smallest of all.”
     
    Customer: “Oh, okay. I will have the quarter-third.”

    (I contemplate for a moment, then ring him up for a third pound.)
     
    Me: “Okay, is that going to complete your order today?”
     
    Customer: “What about some fries and a coke?”

    Choosing A Flavor Should Be A Piece Of Cake

    | Dublin, Ireland | Food & Drink

    *Me: “What can I get you?”
     
    Customer: “What flavors do you have?”
     
    Me: “They’re right on front of you–twenty flavors. What would you like?”
     
    (About five minutes pass.)
     
    Customer: “Can I have the Strawberry Cheesecake, but can you remove the cheesecake?”
     
    Me: “Sir, I can’t remove the cheesecake. It’s mixed in.”
     
    Customer: “Well, I like strawberry, but not cheesecake.”
     
    Me: “May I recommend strawberry flavor?”
     
    Customer: “Oh, no. The strawberry cheesecake sounds nicer.”

    You (Could Have) Had Me At Hello

    | Freeland, PA, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

    (I’m an employee stocking the shelf at one end of an aisle. A customer enters at the far end by the milk and is coughing constantly.)

    Customer: *coughs*

    (I briefly glance over. She’s staring at the milk.)

    Customer: *coughs again*

    (There’s a long pause. She’s still staring at the milk.)

    Customer: *loud coughing*

    (I turn to see if she is covering her mouth, but instead see her charging down the aisle at me.)

    Customer: “What is wrong with you?! I’ve been coughing to get your attention down there for five minutes! ”

    Me: “Ma’am, I glanced over at you several times. You never looked at me.”

    Customer: “Oh, yes I did! What does a person have to do here, fall on the floor and have a seizure to get some milk?!”

    Se Habla Japañol

    , | Springfield, MO, USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words, Top

    (I am taking orders on both lanes at the fast food restaurant. I already have other customers at the second window as someone pulls up to the menu board.)

    Customer: “Hablas español?” (“Do you speak Spanish?”)

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I’ll be with you in just a minute.”

    Customer: “Hablas español?”

    (I say the only thing I know in Spanish.)

    Me: “Lo siento, pero no puedo hablar español. Solamente inglés o japonés.” (“I’m sorry, I don’t speak Spanish. Only English or Japanese.”)

    Customer: *in heavily accented English* “I SPEAK JAPANESE TOO!”

    Me: “Hontoo? Nihongo o hanasu?” (“Really? You speak Japanese?”)

    Customer: “Soo desu yo! Shichi-ban ga hoshii, nomimono wa Sprite desu!” (“Yes I do! I want a number 7 with Sprite!”)

    Me: “Nani mo ga hoshii?” (“Would you like anything else?”)

    Customer: “Chotto.” (“No thank you.”)

    Me: “Hai soo desu, shichi doru san juu sento onegaishimasu. Ni-ban me fune de gozaimasu.”

    (The other customers at the second window are still there with a flabbergasted look on their faces. I hand them their food.)

    Me: “Don’t ask, it’d take too long to explain. Have a nice night.”

    Other Customers: “Sayonara!”

    Gluing Up Appearances

    | North Carolina, USA | Food & Drink, Math & Science

    (This happened while I was working at an upscale restaurant in North Carolina. It’s during one of the worst droughts in history.)

    Me: “Alright, ma’am, here is your table. It’s right by the window as requested.”

    Customer: “Can we have another table?”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, I’d be glad to move you to another table, but this is the only one available near a window.”

    Customer: “Well, I just don’t want to look out at the dead tree.”

    Me: “Dead tree?”

    Customer: “Yes, you see that dead tree out there? Honestly, your groundskeeper should be doing a better job.”

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s because we are currently in a drought.”

    Customer: “So? He should at least water it.”

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s against the law to water lawns and trees right now.”

    Customer: “Well, he should at least go and glue some fake leaves to the tree!”

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