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    Category: Food & Drink

    Stupid Customers, like the rest of us have to eat and drink. Sadly like the rest of us, they sometimes eat with the rest of us. For every waiter, server, drive-thru operator, coffee shop barista, and restaurant manager who has had to deal with fake allergies, vegetarians who don’t know the meaning of the word and idiots who have yet to understand the concept of clearly listed ingredients, we salute you!

    Wine & Spirits Of Camraderie

    | Kingston, ON, Canada | Food & Drink

    (It’s St. Patrick’s Day at my bar. I see a patron who has had too much to drink.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, miss, but I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

    Patron: “Can I just finish my beer?”

    Me: “I can’t let you do that.”

    Patron’s friend: “Why are you kicking her out? I’m drunker than she is!”

    Me: “Then you can leave, too!”

    Meathead In The Making

    | Orange County, CA, USA | Food & Drink

    (I am a server assistant at a popular 40′s style diner.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, there’s something wrong with my burger.”

    Me: “What is it?”

    Customer: “Well, it doesn’t have a bun.”

    Me: “Hmm, what did you order?”

    Customer: “The all-natural, low-carb burger.”

    Me: “Well, the bun is made of bread which is loaded with carbs. So, if you wanted a low-carb burger, there would be no bun.”

    Customer: “Oh…that makes sense now!”

    Fresh Until Proven Spoiled

    | Sydney, Australia | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

    (A customer comes to the return desk the day after Christmas.)

    Customer: “This ham smells off. Smell it. I want a refund.”

    Me: “I’m sorry that it was off, sir. I’ll refund you now.”

    Customer: “Aren’t you going to smell it?”

    Me: “Um…it’s okay. I believe you.”

    Customer: “It smells terrible!”

    Me: “I’m sure it does, sir, but it’s not necessary for me to smell it. I’ll just give you the refund.”

    Customer: “How do you know I’m not lying if you won’t smell it?”

    Me: “Sir, I am not going to smell your ham.”

    Customer: “SMELL MY HAM!”

    Illegalize Stupidity

    | Kansas City, MO, USA | Food & Drink

    Guest #1: “What’s a Flaming Dr. Pepper?”

    Me: “It’s a shot of Amaretto topped with Bacardi 151 and set on fire. You drop it into half a beer and chug it. It tastes just like a Dr. Pepper.”

    Guest #1: “We’ll take two.”

    Me: “Sorry, since they’re on fire, we can’t serve them. It violates city fire code.”

    Guest #2: “C’mon, we want to try it.”

    (I explain that if they drink them at the bar in front of me I’ll allow it. I pour the half beers, the shot of Amaretto, and top it with the 151. I place all this in front of them and light the shots on fire.)

    Guest #1: “Now what?”

    Me: “Hold the beer in one hand and the shot in the other.”

    (They do so.)

    Me: “Now drop the shot.”

    Guest #1: “Drop the shot?”

    Me: “Drop the shot.”

    (Guest #2 drops the shot in the beer and begins to chug as instructed. Guest #1 misunderstands and drops the shot on the bar, spilling the now flaming shot all over the counter. The Bacardi, as well as the flames, spread. I put it out but it takes a few moments and it is a little frightening.)

    Me: “Now, do we know why they are illegal to serve?”

    Full Of Soda And Fury, Signifying Nothing

    | Wisconsin, USA | Food & Drink, Top

    (I work at a fast food restaurant in a food court in a mall. Our kid meals come in “to go” bags, regardless if the order is to go, or not. A mother comes up to my register and orders two kids meals bags to go.)

    Me: “Here is your order. Do you want any sauces or ketchup?”

    Customer: “I said I wanted this to go.”

    (I look down at her order a bit confused.)

    Me: “I’m sorry. Did you want a cup carrier for the drinks?”

    Customer: “No, stupid! I want to have a to go bag for my food.”

    Me: “But your food is in bags.”

    Customer: “Just give me a d*** bag.”

    (I give the mother two of our biggest bags which are the same size as the kids meal bags.)

    Customer: “I only need one!”

    (The customer shoves the two kids meals into the one bag and crams the drinks in as well. To top it off, she rolls the tops of the bag down, further crushing the drinks. Then, she shoves the entire mess into her large purse.)

    Customer: “See! Look how much of an idiot you are!”

    (She walks away in a huff, with her purse dripping soda behind her.)

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