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    Category: Food & Drink

    Stupid Customers, like the rest of us have to eat and drink. Sadly like the rest of us, they sometimes eat with the rest of us. For every waiter, server, drive-thru operator, coffee shop barista, and restaurant manager who has had to deal with fake allergies, vegetarians who don’t know the meaning of the word and idiots who have yet to understand the concept of clearly listed ingredients, we salute you!

    The Freudian Drive-thru

    | Dallas, TX, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (This is an ice cream shop with a drive-thru.)

    Me: “Hi, what can I get for you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, two burgers with bacon.”

    Me: “Sir, we actually don’t have burgers…just ice cream.”

    (Upon hearing this, the customer looks up to see the burger chain next door.)

    Customer: “How did I end up in this line?!”

    Keep That Mustache To Yourself

    | Miramar Beach, FL, USA | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

    (I am a hostess at a rather upscale restaurant. A couple walks in and the man has a particularly impressive handlebar mustache. I usually chat with guests while I’m seating them.)

    Me: “So, [server] is your server tonight. She’ll be taking great care of you.”

    Customer: “Can [server] give us a good discount?”

    Me: *laughing* “I’m sure if you take it up with her she’ll consider it. You might want to twist that ‘stache in a debonair fashion to convince her.”

    Customer: “I can offer a mustache ride.”

    Me: “I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.”

    Girlfriend: “Thank you.”

    When Life Gives You Melons

    | Plattsburgh, NY, USA | Food & Drink

    (This conversation takes place as I approach a table where a woman is sitting with a menu across from her.)

    Me: “Hi, how’re you doing?”

    Customer: “We’ll take two water lemons. No, watermelons! No, wait, lemon waters!”

    Me: *struggling not to laugh* “Alright, ma’am, I’ll be right back with two lemon waters.”

    Obviously, He Needs Food For Thought

    | Connecticut, USA | Food & Drink, Health & Body

    (I work in a large, well-known used bookstore. We offer complimentary coffee and doughnuts to our patrons, but we do not have a cafe or serve any other food. The bookshelves are extremely obvious and numerous. A middle-aged man enters.)

    Customer: “I’ll have a medium hot dog to go.”

    Me: *laughing* “Sorry, sir! We’re fresh out of hot dogs!”

    Customer: *rolling his eyes and heaving a big sigh* “Okay, then what else do you have?”

    Me: “Um, we have coffee and doughnuts.”

    Customer: “That’s it? You don’t have any sandwiches or anything? What kind of a restaurant is this?”

    Me: “We’re a bookstore.”

    Customer: “A bookstore!? But I’m hungry!”

    Me: “Well, like I said, we do have coffee and doughnuts–”

    Customer: “Forget it! I’ll find another restaurant. This is ridiculous!”

    Related:Obviously, She Needs Food For Thought

    Donuts Or Donuts, There Is No Try

    | Manila, Philippines | Food & Drink, Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [store]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Five boxes, dozen donuts each, right now.”

    Me: “Okay, is there any specific–”

    (Suddenly, I hear a woman screaming in the background.)

    Woman: “Donuts! NOW!”

    (The caller gets back on the phone.)

    Caller: “Whatever flavors you have. Five dozen donuts A-S-A-motherf***ing-P!”

    Me: “Um, alright, that’ll be [price]. How much change should our deliveryman bring?”

    Caller: “I will give your delivery guy all the money I have in the house! Just get him here before my wife sits on me and hits me with the freakin’ remote control!”

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