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  • Retract The Tract
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  • July Theme Of The Month: Great Timing!

    Category: Food & Drink

    Stupid Customers, like the rest of us have to eat and drink. Sadly like the rest of us, they sometimes eat with the rest of us. For every waiter, server, drive-thru operator, coffee shop barista, and restaurant manager who has had to deal with fake allergies, vegetarians who don’t know the meaning of the word and idiots who have yet to understand the concept of clearly listed ingredients, we salute you!

    Border-ing On Love For Donut Holes

    | Detroit, MI, USA | Awesome Customers, Awesome Workers, Food & Drink, Geography

    (This is back when I am a student. I live in Ann Arbor, Michigan. My roommates and I frequently like to drive through Detroit to the nearest border crossing into Windsor, Ontario, Canada. It is less than an hour’s drive. A quite famous Canadian coffee-shop chain, known for its donuts and donut-hole-like small pastries, has not yet expanded its operations into the US.)

    Roommate #1: “You know what I want? [Donut holes].”

    Me: “Ooh, [Donut holes]! You know I’m always up for [Donut holes]!”

    Roommate #2: “[Donut holes] do sound good. We could go; it’s not that far. Hey, [Roommate #3], you want to come with to get [Donut holes]?”

    Roommate #3: “To get … [Donut holes]? You mean, like to Canada?”

    (This brief attempt at being the voice of reason falls through, and all three roommates and I pile into my car for the drive, about 40 minutes at 1 am. We get to the guard booth.)

    Border Guard: “National origin?”

    Me: “We’re all Americans.”

    Border Guard: “Where do you live?”

    Me: “All of us live in Ann Arbor.”

    Border Guard: “Destination?”

    Me: “Windsor.”

    Border Guard: “Length of visit?”

    Me: “Um, I’m not sure. Half an hour, something like that? Less than an hour for sure.”

    Border Guard: *raising his eyebrows* “Purpose of visit?”

    Me: “We really need some [Donut holes]!”

    (He laughs at that and waves us through. We obtain our lovely little balls of goodness and head back home, which of course entails another stop.)

    Border Guard: “National origin?”

    Me: “We’re all Americans.”

    Border Guard: “Where have you been in Canada?”

    Me: “Just into Windsor.”

    Border Guard: “How long were you in Canada?”

    Me: “About 45 minutes? Something like that.”

    Border Guard: “Uh huh. And the purpose of your visit?”

    Me: *with my very best deadpan wide-eyed serious look* “We really, really needed some [Donut holes]!”

    (Behind and beside me, my roommates beamed and held up our boxes of [Donut holes], which are pretty distinctive. And then we have our pièce de résistance…)

    Me: *holding up another box* “Look, we brought you guys a 20-pack!”

    (This would never happen today, of course; too much trouble to do this on a whim, and the guards probably wouldn’t be allowed to accept it, either. I hope the world’s gotten safer, because it’s sure gotten less fun.)

    Refilled With Lies

    | OK, USA | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers

    (I work in a diner-style restaurant. I wait on a couple mid-afternoon, during the slower part of the day, when there’s not much staff on. Everything seems normal, and since it isn’t busy, it is easy to keep a close eye on their needs, refill drinks, bring the food right out, and so on. I have side-work to do, but it is all things to be done in the front, like straightening up the area where we dish up soup and salad. This is right in front of the pass-through to the kitchen, so I am basically in sight the whole time. I have asked them a couple of times if everything is all right, and have been assured that it was. When they come to the register to pay, the manager on duty is manning the register.)

    Manager: “Afternoon, folks. Was everything all right with your meal?”

    Customer: “No! Our waitress was horrible. She was always in the back, and we didn’t get refills on our drinks, and our food sat in the window for about 15 minutes before she finally came out and brought it to us!”

    Manager: “I’m sorry to hear that; that doesn’t sound like her. Let me just verify that with the cook, and I’ll be happy to comp that for you.”

    Manager: *to cook* “Hey, [Cook], I gotta cheeseburger with fries and an open-face beef with mash. These guys say [My Name] let it sit in the window and dry out. How long was the order up here?”

    Cook: *with a snort* “How about… zero seconds? She was straightening the salad station when I said she was up, and I put the plates right in her hands. They literally didn’t even touch the window.”

    Manager: *to customers* “Folks, my cook says they didn’t sit at all, much less 15 minutes, so I’m not going to be able to comp these for you after all. That’ll be [amount], please.”

    Customer: “Are you going to take his word over mine?”

    Manager: “Yes, I am!”

    Customer: “Are you calling me a liar?”

    Manager: “Well, since I caught you in a lie about this, and I can see from here that your glasses on the table are still half full, so either you didn’t need a refill or you did get one when you said you didn’t. I suppose that would also be a yes. Yes, I am.”

    (The customer fumes, but tosses a $20 down, and gets his change.)

    Customer: “I can’t believe this place. We are NEVER coming here again!”

    Manager: “Promises, promises.”

    Mugged Of Coffee Common Sense

    | Adelaide, SA, Australia | At The Checkout, Food & Drink, Funny Names

    Me: “Good morning, sir, what can I get for you?”

    Customer: “A mugachino, thanks.”

    (I ring it up as a large cappuccino as we’ve figured out that’s what most customers who order a ‘mugachino’ want. After a few minutes I take the coffee to him.)

    Me: “Here you go, one large cappuccino.”

    Customer: “I didn’t order a cupachino! I ordered a mugachino! Where is my coffee?!”

    Me: “A mugachino refers to a cappuccino in the largest cup available, sir… That is a large cappuccino.”

    Customer: “I want a mugachino. Now go get me my d*** coffee!”

    Me: “Of course, sir, sorry about the mix up. I’ll get that right away.”

    (I walk around the corner to the coffee machine, sprinkle a bit more chocolate on top to make it look different and return with the same coffee.)

    Me: “Here you go, sir. One mugachino. I must have mixed your order up with another customer.”

    Customer: “About time… How hard was that? Gosh, I am never coming back here!”

    Cappuccino-no

    , | SA, Australia | At The Checkout, Food & Drink

    (I’m waitressing when one of our baristas calls me over. She asks me to go to one of the tables and confirm that the elderly customer had ordered a long black and a cappuccino, as she had forgotten to write it down. The customer confirms this, and I take the order out to the customer and her husband who has now joined the table.)

    Me: “Okay, long black?”

    Customer: “Thank you.”

    Me: “And your cappuccino, sir.”

    Customer: “That was supposed to be a flat white!”

    Me: “I’m so sorry; I thought I confirmed with you that it was a cappuccino.”

    Customer: “Yes, but I forgot what my husband usually orders!”

    (The husband spoke up and half-heartedly told me a cappuccino will do. I apologised again and then walked off wondering what part I had to be sorry for!)

    A Big Gap In Their Knowledge

    | Brisbane, QLD, Australia | Food & Drink, Language & Words

    Me: “Hi—”

    Customer: *cuts in* “Hey, I see a couple outside eating this thing. I don’t know what’s the name of it.”

    Me: “Um… could you please describe it to me?”

    Customer: “I don’t know how to describe it, it’s a… it’s a big thing.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “I want it!”

    Me: “…”

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