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    Category: Food & Drink

    Stupid Customers, like the rest of us have to eat and drink. Sadly like the rest of us, they sometimes eat with the rest of us. For every waiter, server, drive-thru operator, coffee shop barista, and restaurant manager who has had to deal with fake allergies, vegetarians who don’t know the meaning of the word and idiots who have yet to understand the concept of clearly listed ingredients, we salute you!

    Go Easy On The Brain

    | AZ, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Funny Names

    (I am delivering to a customer who placed their order online. When I get to the door I begin reading off the ticket to make sure everything is correct and accounted for, as is standard procedure, when the customer interrupts me.)

    Customer: “And what kind of cheese did you put on it?”

    Me: “I believe we use mozzarella and parmesan.”

    Customer: “NO! That is NOT what I ordered! You were supposed to make it with Ezon cheese!” *pronouncing ‘ezon’ with a pretentious French accent*

    Me: “Um… Sorry, but I’ve never heard of this cheese, and as far as I know we don’t use it.”

    Customer: *in a condescending tone* “Well, of course you haven’t heard of it. Maybe if you weren’t so ignorant you’d have a real job instead of delivering pizzas. And apparently even that’s too hard for you because you don’t even know what kind of cheese you use. You’ll probably end up making a career out of getting pregnant for welfare checks.”

    Me: “Actually sir, I’m just doing this for extra cash while I’m in University. And since I also do inventory and prep work, I’m certain we don’t carry this type of cheese.”

    Customer: “Well, I clicked the button for it on your website! That’s what I asked for and that’s what I was supposed to get!”

    (Snatching the receipt out of my hands, then shoving it right up in my face.)

    Customer: “GOD, it’s right there on the receipt! SEE?! Eeeeee-zonnn cheeeeeese!”

    Me: *suddenly understanding and laughing* “No.”

    Customer: “No?! What do you mean NO?!”

    Me: “You clicked the button for ‘easy on the cheese.’”

    (The customer goes silent and looks at the receipt again, where it says ‘EZon cheese.’ Then without a word he hurriedly tosses some money at me, rips the pizza bag out of my hands and slams the door in my face. I pick up the money off the ground and quickly count it to find it is short. I ring the doorbell a few times before he throws it open, looking livid.)

    Customer: “NOW what do you want?!”

    Me: *holding up the wadded bills* “I can count properly too, and you still owe $2.37. I’m also going to need the bag back.”

    (The customer makes a very dramatic show of stomping his feet as he goes back to the kitchen, and shoves three more dollar bills at me. As I am turning to leave, he explodes again.)

    Customer: “What the h*** are you doing?!”

    Me: “Leaving.”

    Customer: “What about my change?! You think you’re getting a tip after what you put me through?! You still owe me fifty-seven cents!”

    Me: “No, a dollar minus thirty-seven is sixty-three. And we don’t carry anything smaller than a dollar bill. Have a nice day.”

    Customer: “I am NEVER giving you people my business EVER AGAIN! You can kiss my money goodbye!!!”

    Me: “Don’t worry, sir; you were going to be placed on the no-delivery list anyway.”

    Saved His Bacon

    | SC, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (I’m taking the food to an eight-top table, and everyone gets their food. One customer has ordered a breakfast sandwich on a bagel. The way that we make the sandwiches is by wrapping the meat and cheese in the eggs. It’s basically a folded omelet placed on a bagel. I can tell that the man is a little confused looking at his food, so I wait for him to ask the question.)

    Customer: “I ordered bacon. Where is the bacon?”

    Me: “The bacon is wrapped up in the eggs, and you will find it as soon as you bite into it.”

    (I then go on to ask if there is anything else I can do for the table. For the most part, everyone is fine, and I only have to get a couple of drink refills. However, before I am able to turn around to leave, he asks again:)

    Customer: “Where is my bacon? I ordered bacon on my sandwich?!”

    Me: *looking at him in the eye* “Sir, it is wrapped up inside the eggs. I promise it is there.”

    (I make a quick exit to get the refills and then come back. When I return, I notice that he still has not touched his food, and I am beginning to feel a little annoyed. Unsurprisingly, the first thing he says when I walk in the room is:)

    Customer: “I ordered bacon on my sandwich, and there is no bacon on my sandwich.”

    (Once again I let him know that the bacon is in fact on the sandwich, and that he can’t see it because it is wrapped up in the eggs. Other people at the table begin to ask me random questions about the restaurant and the area, but in the background, all I can hear is him asking for his bacon. I finally turn to the man, and in a rather harsh voice say:)

    Me: “Sir, the bacon is wrapped up in the eggs. Could you please either take a bite of your sandwich or cut it in half to verify that the bacon is there before I leave?”

    (The table was completely quiet and was staring at me. He took a bite of the sandwich, and found that there was, in fact, bacon in the eggs!)

    That Pizza Was All Greek To Me

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

    Customer: “Hi, my pizza was just delivered and it was entirely incorrect. I just gave it back to the driver and he gave my money back. But I’d like to get my correct pizza.”

    Me: “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. Well it looks here like you ordered the Greek pizza—”

    Customer: “Yeah, but the one I got had tomatoes and black olives, and green peppers, I think…”

    Me: “And red sauce and onions and feta cheese?”

    Customer: “Yeah!”

    Me: “Yeah, that’s the Greek pizza. You got exactly what you ordered.”

    Customer: “What? Well my friend just ordered from you last week and he said he got the Greek, but it was different. It had gyro meat on it and it got served with tzatziki sauce.”

    Me: “Oh, your friend must have ordered our Santorini pizza. I can go ahead and change your order here and send you the right one. It costs the same price.”

    Customer: “Uh… that’s it? I don’t get a discount or anything?”

    Me: “Well… no. I mean… it’s your friend’s fault that he told you the wrong pizza. But you got exactly what you told us you wanted. We don’t give discounts for people who neglect to read our menu before ordering.”

    Customer: “Oh. Okay. That’s fair, I guess.”

    It’s No Use Lying Over Spilt Milk

    | ON, Canada | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (I work at a big name coffee chain. This conversation is taking place over headsets; I’m in the back unpacking stock.)

    Coworker: “Is it possible to be allergic to milk fat?”

    Me: “I don’t know, maybe? Some pretty weird allergies run in my family.”

    Coworker: “This customer just asked for a drink made nonfat because she’s allergic to milk fat.”

    Me: “Well, if she says there’s an allergy, assume she’s telling the truth.”

    Coworker: “And she wants whipped cream on it.”

    Me: “…”

    She Likes Piña Coladas, And Getting Sugar To The Brain

    | Bar | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

    (I recently started bartending and learning to mix cocktails. One night a customer was unhappy with her piña colada.)

    Customer: “This tastes horrible!”

    Me: “I’m very sorry about that. Would it be okay if I tried the drink, to figure out what I messed up?”

    (I try the drink and it tastes normal.)

    Me: “Sorry, but I can’t taste the problem. I could try and make you another one, but it’ll probably taste the same. Maybe another cocktail?”

    Customer: “No, I want a piña colada. What have you been putting into this?”

    Me: “The usual. Ice, coconut syrup, cream, white rum, pineapple juice—”

    Customer: “Why in the world would you put white rum in that?”

    Me: “Because that’s the recipe? At least the one we are using here.”

    Customer: “No, there’s no white rum in a piña colada. There’s piña colada in piña colada!”

    (At that point I realise she’s probably used to store-bought pre-mixed drinks. I tell her that my boss will sort it out, and after talking to him, we make a drink with half the alcohol and double the syrup. Apparently that hit the spot.)

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