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    Category: Food & Drink

    Stupid Customers, like the rest of us have to eat and drink. Sadly like the rest of us, they sometimes eat with the rest of us. For every waiter, server, drive-thru operator, coffee shop barista, and restaurant manager who has had to deal with fake allergies, vegetarians who don’t know the meaning of the word and idiots who have yet to understand the concept of clearly listed ingredients, we salute you!

    Some Concepts, Like Squid, Are Slippery

    | Ontario, Canada | Food & Drink

    Customer: “I’d like your grilled calamari salad, please. Also, I’d like to substitute the calamari for squid.”

    Me: “Sir, calamari is Italian for squid.”

    Customer: “No, no, I know the difference. Squid have tentacles, so I want that instead.”

    Me: “Certainly, sir.”

    (I end up having the kitchen make the salad as usual, much to the customer’s satisfaction.)

    Me: “Here is your grilled squid salad, sir!”

    Customer: “See, that wasn’t too hard! Thank you!”

    Private, Privater, Privatest

    | Morehead, KY, USA | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

    (While waiting tables one afternoon, a group of 4 older gentlemen, aged about 65-70, seats themselves in my section. In the middle of their meal, one of them beckons me over.)

    Customer: “Did you know that 2 out of every 3 people sing in the shower? The other third touch themselves. Anyway, do you know what they sing?”

    Me: “Uh, well, no. What do they–”

    Customer: “I didn’t think you would. You can go.”

    When Pigs Pork, You Get Pig

    | UK | Food & Drink

    (I am working the customer services counter. A customer walks up and throws down a packet of pigs liver.)

    Customer: “I want a packet of pork liver, but I can only find pigs’ liver. Why don’t you stock it?!”

    Me: “Pigs’ liver is pork liver. Pork comes from a pig. It is the same thing. I can take you to our butcher to explain this if you want.”

    Customer: “You think I was born yesterday? They are not the same thing. And, even if they are, I want it to say pork liver.”

    Me: “Pigs and pork are the same.”

    Customer: “They are not!” *throws the liver at me and storms out the door*

    User Error, User Fate

    , | Kansas, USA | Food & Drink

    (I am working a very busy drive-thru. A 20-something year old woman has requested a very complicated ice cream order: a small milkshake, made with vanilla ice cream with caramel, hot fudge, peanuts, and snickers on top, unblended, in a medium cup. It takes me a minute to figure out how to enter this in the computer. By the time the woman has paid, her ice cream has been made correctly, but in the normal small cup.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, it looks like this has already been made in the small cup. Is that okay?”

    Customer: “No, I specifically asked for a medium so it won’t spill.”

    Me: “Well, I can put a lid on it. Will that work?”

    Customer: “No, I have to eat it now. Can you just dump it into a medium cup?”

    Me: “I can scrape it into a bigger cup, but the toppings won’t be on top anymore.”

    Customer: “Why not?”

    (Searching for something to satisfy her, I find a cup sleeve that adds extra room to the top and fit it into her ice cream cup.)

    Customer: “Will it spill?”

    Me: “Well, it’s a removable sleeve. But if you keep it in there, the ice cream won’t spill.”

    Customer: “But I have to eat it right now. Are you sure it won’t spill?”

    Me: “If you spill it, ma’am, it will spill.”

    This Isn’t Team Jacob

    | NJ, USA | Food & Drink

    (In our ice cream shop, we have a deal where kids can get an ice cream cone with free sprinkles if they wear their team uniform. This is written on a big sign on the window. A family buys ice cream, and I charge them for sprinkles.)

    Customer: “Hey! You! Come over here!”

    Me: “Is there a problem, sir?”

    Customer: “Read this sign to me.”

    Me: “Get an ice cream cone with free sprinkles–”

    Customer: “Exactly! Free sprinkles! You charged me for these. Can’t you read?”

    Me: “Get an ice cream cone with free sprinkles if you wear your team uniform.”

    Customer: “Oh, well this is my team uniform!”

    (He’s wearing a black t-shirt and jeans.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but that’s not going to work.”

    Customer: “Well, I’m never coming back here again!”

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