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  • This Round He Lost (In Translation), Part 4
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    Category: Food & Drink

    Stupid Customers, like the rest of us have to eat and drink. Sadly like the rest of us, they sometimes eat with the rest of us. For every waiter, server, drive-thru operator, coffee shop barista, and restaurant manager who has had to deal with fake allergy’s, vegetarians who don’t know the meaning of the word and idiots who have yet to understand the concept of clearly listed ingredients, we salute you!

    Can I Have Some Nuts With That

    | Annapolis Valley, NS, Canada | Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Funny Names

    (The customer spends several minutes staring at a selection of fudge, trying to decide which one she wants. Her daughter is standing in line with her.)

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like a piece of caramel chocolate squirrel.”

    Me: “Um…”

    Daughter: “Mooommm!”

    Customer: “What?”

    Daughter: “It’s chocolate caramel swirl! I don’t think we want a chocolate caramel squirrel.”

    The Land Of The Free From Thought

    | London | Food & Drink, Tourists/Travel

    (I work in a cafe popular with tourists. During one afternoon I see an American man lighting a cigarette. We have a smoking ban in the UK that bans smoking in all public places.)

    Me: “Excuse me sir, but I’m afraid you’ll have to smoke that cigarette outside.”

    Customer: “Why?”

    (I explain the smoking ban to him.)

    Customer: “That’s bulls***! That’s a breach of the First Amendment!”

    Me: “Sir, I have no idea what that is, though I think it’s something to do with free speech.”

    Customer: *shocked* “How can you not know the First Amendment? It’s the law!”

    Me: “It’s your law, judging by your accent. We have a completely different set of laws.”

    Customer: “England has its own laws?”

    Magic Marker

    | Victoria, BC, Canada | Food & Drink

    Customer: “Excuse me, I want a piece of this cheese but the only one you have expires tomorrow.”

    Me: “Sorry, it looks like we’re sold out of that kind. Our truck comes in tomorrow though.”

    Customer: *holding out the piece of cheese* “Well just put more days on it then!”

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Customer: “Just put more days on this piece!”

    Me: “You want me to print a new label with a different expiration date?”

    Customer: “Yeah!”

    Me: “Ma’am, no matter what the label says, the cheese is going to expire tomorrow.”

    Customer: “That’s just stupid!”

    Loathe Of Bread

    | Sydney, Australia | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

    (I work at a bakery that cuts bread with a machine.)

    Me: “Okay, sir, would you like me to cut your bread for you?”

    Customer: “How?”

    Me: “This machine here will cut it.”

    Customer: “You use a machine rather then cutting it by hand?!”

    Me: “Yes sir, it is quicker and gets the job done well.”

    Customer: *at this point he is getting furious* “This is outrageous! You use a machine to do a mans job! You are putting people out of their jobs! You are ruining the natural process of man and the cutting of bread.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, I didn’t realize. Would you like me to cut your bread by hand?”

    Customer: “No, use the machine! I’m in a big rush to get to my sister’s place. It’s her birthday, you know.”

    Turn The Tables

    | Baltimore, MD, USA | Food & Drink, Money

    (We have a coupon for a free entrée. A new waitress comes up and asks me a question.)

    Co-Worker: “How do I handle two coupons?”

    Me: “What?”

    Co-Worker: “My table of three by the window. They got the entrées and waters. They want to use two coupons.”

    Me: “They can’t use two coupons. It says ‘one per group’. Tell her to save it for next week.”

    Co-Worker: “She says they are two groups. So they want to use two coupons.”

    Me: “They can’t use two coupons because it’s only one check.”

    (She leaves, but comes back a few minutes later.)

    Co-Worker: “She says she wants separate checks.”

    Me: “Tell her she can’t have separate checks just because she wants to use two coupons.”

    (She leaves, but comes back a few minutes later.)

    Co-Worker: “They want to talk to a manager.”

    (A third co-worker and I argue over what to do, as the manager isn’t here tonight. Reluctantly, I go out to the table, posing as the manager. I tell them the same thing that the waitress told them.)

    Me: “Ma’am our policy is that coupons can only be used one per group. You are all obviously one group, as you are sitting at the same table.”

    (Irately, the woman grabs the table; which happens to be two separate tables placed together, and moves them about six inches apart.)

    Customer: “There. Now we are two separate tables.”

    Me: *trying to remain courteous* “I’ll see what I can do.”

    (I go back, separate the checks, apply the discounts, and take both checks to the table.)

    Me: “I can take that when you are ready.”

    (She fishes in her purse, and hands me her credit card.)

    Customer: “Use my card to pay for both!”


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