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  • This Round He Lost (In Translation), Part 4
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    Category: Food & Drink

    Stupid Customers, like the rest of us have to eat and drink. Sadly like the rest of us, they sometimes eat with the rest of us. For every waiter, server, drive-thru operator, coffee shop barista, and restaurant manager who has had to deal with fake allergy’s, vegetarians who don’t know the meaning of the word and idiots who have yet to understand the concept of clearly listed ingredients, we salute you!

    In Real Hot Sauce Now

    | London, UK | Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink, Top

    (I walk in and stand in a line. I’ve been there for all of five seconds before a man runs in, elbows his way to the front of the queue and slams a burger in front of the cashier. She is a young teenager.)

    Customer: "You f***ing b****! How many f***ing times do I have to tell you no f***ing sauce?!"

    Cashier: *smiling all the way through the exchange* "I’m sorry sir, what seems to be the problem?"

    Customer: "You f***ing up my burger! I want a refund now!"

    Cashier: "Certainly, sir! Do you remember what time you came in at?"

    Customer: "How am I supposed to f***ing know? You’re the one who took the d*** order!"

    Cashier: "I’ll have a look, sir, if you give me one moment."

    (She taps her screen, all the while being yelled abuse at by the customer. All the other customers have since cleared out, except for me. I motion to the cashier that I’ve called the police.)

    Cashier: "Hm…oh, is this your order?” *rattles off a few items*

    Customer: "Yes, that’s my d*** order! Now give me my f***ing refund!"

    Cashier: "Certainly, sir, let me just authorise that for you."

    (She taps on her screen some more and swipes a card a few times.)

    Customer: "F***ing hurry up, you b****! My f***ing dinner’s getting cold!"

    Cashier: "My apologies sir, give me one moment. Would you like me to give you a fresh order?"

    Customer: "You’d better, you b****!”

    Cashier: *hands customer his refunded money* "Okay, it’ll be three minutes to cook your order so if you’d like to sit down-"

    (At this point the man throws the money he’s just been given at the cashier and screams abuse at her. She picks up the change and counts it.)

    Cashier: "Your change comes up to £3.71, which is just enough for another meal. Which one would you like?"

    Customer: "Would you just hurry up and give me my d*** food! Are you f***ing simple or something?”

    Cashier: "No, just distracting you ’till the police get here."

    (Two uniformed police officers walk in and take the man away, who is still cursing. The manager walks out of a side room which he has been hiding in–he’s about thirty and male–and offers her a promotion on the spot. She promptly tells him that she’d rather die than be spineless like him and quits. She then pockets the change, grabs most of the food on display and leaves, but not before thanking me and sharing half the food with me.)

    Fair Trade Waylaid

    | United Kingdom | Food & Drink

    Customer: “Excuse me, where is the tea?”

    Me: “Right this way.”

    Customer: “Do you have any tea that isn’t fair trade?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Do you have any tea that isn’t fair trade? It’s more expensive!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I think you are missing the point.”

    Customer: “It’s more expensive! That isn’t very fair to me!”

    Take It Away, Uncle Sam

    | New Zealand | Food & Drink, Language & Words, Tourists/Travel

    (Fast food places are often referred to as takeaway stores in New Zealand.)

    Me: “Hello and welcome to [fast food]. May I take your order?”

    Customer: “So, what is a tar… key… ah… way…?”

    Me: “Um, takeaways. As in food you can take away.”

    Customer: “Oh, is it a Maori word?”

    Me: “No sir. It’s an English word. May I ask, are you from out of New Zealand?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’m from America, but you’re lying about takeaways being an English word. I’ve been to Canada and they don’t use it there!”

    Sinfully Delicious

    | Savannah, GA, USA | Food & Drink, Religion

    (This bakery is a vintage style, family owned bakery with custom names for each product.)

    Customer: "As a man of the cloth, I know this is a weird order. But could I get a Hazel Feelgood and a Drunk Blondie?"

    One Scamwich, Coming Right Up, Part 2

    | Ontario, Canada | Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers

    (I’m supervising on a Sunday afternoon, our slowest day of the week. We’ve only been open a couple hours and have only made maybe 4 or 5 sandwiches. A customer calls in with a complaint.)

    Caller: “Excuse me, I ordered a sandwich from you this morning and it is just terrible! You toasted it too much and it just fell apart when I bit into it!”

    Me: “Well that’s odd, sir. If a sandwich was toasted too long it would normally burn long before it would dry out like that. What did you order?”

    Caller: “Chicken.”

    Me: “I can’t find your order in the system. Could you tell me what time you were here?”

    Caller: “This morning sometime.”

    Me: “We weren’t open this morning, sir. We open at noon on Sundays.”

    Caller: “Well, maybe it was after noon then.”

    Me: “Okay, well I’ve been here all day and I don’t recall serving a chicken sandwich to a gentleman today.”

    Caller: “It was my wife who came in.”

    Me: “I’m looking through today’s orders on the computer, and I haven’t served any chicken sandwich today. Are you sure you came to this location?”

    Caller: “Yes. And it was last night. I talked to the manager and he said you’d give me a free sandwich today.”

    Me: “I was the manager last night too, sir.”

    Caller: “You’re not going to give me a free sandwich, are you?”

    Me: “No, sir. I’m not.”

    Caller: “Okay, then.” *hangs up*

    Related:
    One Scamwich, Coming Right Up


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