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    Category: Food & Drink

    Stupid Customers, like the rest of us have to eat and drink. Sadly like the rest of us, they sometimes eat with the rest of us. For every waiter, server, drive-thru operator, coffee shop barista, and restaurant manager who has had to deal with fake allergies, vegetarians who don’t know the meaning of the word and idiots who have yet to understand the concept of clearly listed ingredients, we salute you!

    This Side Uppity

    | Florida, USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words

    (I work in a fairly ritzy upper-end wine store. We get a lot of customers coming in with partial information about the wine they’re looking for, but we can usually help them find it. Sometimes, not so much.)

    Me: “Can I help you, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Yes, I bought a case of wine here last month, and I’d like another. I don’t remember the name, but I remember where in France it’s from.”

    (Our French wines are organized by the part of France that the wines are from, so this is very helpful.)

    Me: “Okay, perhaps you’ll recognize the bottle when we get to that section. Where’s it from?”

    Customer: “The ‘cote a ouvrir.’”

    Me: “Do you mean Côtes du Rhône, or Côtes du Ventoux, or one of the Côtes appellations in Burgundy, perhaps?”

    Customer: “I know d*** well I bought wine here last month, and the box said ‘cote a ouvrir!’”

    Me: “I’m sure it did, ma’am. That’s French for ‘open this side.’”

    Customer: “Yes! Where do you keep the French wines that say ‘cote a ouvrir?’”

    Me: *gestures to the section we’re in* “About two thirds of these will say that.”

    Customer: “So, it’s not very helpful?”

    Me: “Not as such, no.”

    Fresh Popcorn, Stale Mind

    | Iowa, USA | Food & Drink

    (We clean the popcorn machines at the movie theater I work at every night. We leave any extra popcorn in the first machine we cleaned, and pop fresh popcorn the next morning. A customer walks up to register as I’m emptying the kettle.)

    Customer: “Can I get a small popcorn?”

    Me: “Sure.”

    (I turn to the machine with fresh popcorn to get her order when she stops me.)

    Customer: “I don’t want the stale popcorn. I want the fresh stuff from today.”

    Me: “Ma’am this popcorn was just popped; you watched me empty the
    kettle.”

    Customer: “Don’t lie to me. I know you’re just lazy and don’t want to walk the five extra feet to get me fresh popcorn.”

    (I walk over to the machine with the old stale popcorn, fill her bag, and ring her up.)

    Me: “Is there anything else I can get for you today, ma’am?”

    Customer: *takes a bite of her day-old popcorn* “See, now, this is fresh popcorn! You’re lucky I’m not going to talk to your manager for lying to me and trying not to do your job.”

    No Good Need Goes Unpunished

    | Oregon, USA | Food & Drink, Top

    (A customer comes into our coffee shop and stares forlornly at the gum on display. She often comes into the shop to get some ice to chew on, but nothing else. Feeling sorry for her, I decide to help her out.)

    Me: “Here, let me get that for you.”

    (I reach into my tip jar and pay for the gum with my own money.)

    Customer: *takes the gum* “So…where’s my change?!”

    Me: *speechless*

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    We Can See Through Your Whine

    | Margarita, Venezuela | Food & Drink, Top

    Me: “Evening! Welcome to [restaurant]. How can I serve you?”

    Customer: “I’m sorry, I don’t see the Californian wine in the menu.”

    Me: “That’s because we don’t have it, miss.”

    Customer: “And why is that, exactly? I am a wine lover. The Californian wine is the very best and I only drink the very best.”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, because the Californian wine has a very low demand in this country, it is extremely hard to find. We have Chilean and Argentinian wine, if you like.”

    Customer: “All right. I guess i’ll have to adjust to your low standards. Give me a bottle of the Chilean.”

    Me: “All right, miss. Would you have Cabernet, Malbec, or Carmenerè?”

    Customer: “I don’t want any of that! I just want red wine! Is it so hard to understand that?

    Me: “All right, ma’am, I’ll bring you the Cabernet then.”

    Customer: “I said I don’t want that? I only want red wine! Please get me the manager!”

    Takes One To Joe One

    | Montreal, QC, Canada | Food & Drink

    (I’m a cashier at a coffee chain. Our location is popular so the line is usually long. I overhear the following conversation between two customers.)

    Customer #1: “Why is the line in this place always so long?! I’ll never understand it!”

    Customer #2: “Well, sir, do you like coffee?”

    Customer #1: “Of course! Why else would I be here?”

    Customer #2: “Well, could it be possible that there are other people who like coffee as well?”

    Customer #1: “Oh. Right.”

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