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    Category: Food & Drink

    Stupid Customers, like the rest of us have to eat and drink. Sadly like the rest of us, they sometimes eat with the rest of us. For every waiter, server, drive-thru operator, coffee shop barista, and restaurant manager who has had to deal with fake allergies, vegetarians who don’t know the meaning of the word and idiots who have yet to understand the concept of clearly listed ingredients, we salute you!

    Made From Soylent Green

    | Perth, WA, Australia | Food & Drink, Language & Words

    Me: “What salad would you like?”

    Customer: “Lettuce, cucumber, capsicum, Filipino–”

    Me: *laughing* “Did you mean jalapeño?”

    Forbidden Fruits (& Veggies)

    | Washington, USA | Family & Kids, Food & Drink

    (A middle-aged woman, her mother, and her three year old walk into my sandwich shop.)

    Mother: *to child* “What do you want today?”

    Child: “A samminch!”

    Mother: “Okay, what kind?”

    Child: “A samminch!”

    Mother: “Do you want turkey?”

    Child: “NO!”

    Mother: “Do you want ham?”

    Child: “NO!”

    Mother: “I AIN’T RAISIN’ NO VEGETARIAN!”

    Fresher Than You’ll Ever Be

    | Massena, NY, USA | Food & Drink

    (I have worked at this concession stand for four years and this particular customer has been coming at least once a week since I started. Some variation of this same argument occurs every week.)

    Regular Customer: “Is that coffee fresh?”

    Me: “Relatively. I haven’t been open that long. You want some?”

    Regular Customer: “No. It needs to be fresh!”

    Me: “Ma’am, it is fresh. I just opened fifteen minutes ago.”

    Regular Customer: “No! I can only drink fresh coffee!”

    Me: “It is fresh coffee!”

    (The customer stands there and glares at me without saying a word for about a minute.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I am not making a new pot of coffee. This one is still fresh and over half-full.”

    Regular Customer: “Yeah, well, it’s not fresh! No one’s going to buy it!”

    Me: “Someone just did!”

    Regular Customer: “Well, no one else will because you’re trying to sell them old coffee! I need fresh coffee!” *storms off*

    Other Regular Customer: “You’d think she’d have learned just to bring her own d*** coffee by now.”

    Don’t Have A Latte Faith In Self-Espression

    | Virginia, USA | Food & Drink, Top

    (A customer comes in around 5:00 and orders a triple shot of espresso. I start to make it for him as he watches me the whole time.)

    Me: *handing him cup* “Here you go sir, your triple shot of espresso!”

    Customer: “This is a triple shot of espresso?” *looks down at cup*

    Me: “Yes, sir, it’s three shots of espresso.”

    Customer: “Oh, so what do I put in it?”

    Me: *slightly confused as to what he is asking* “That depends entirely on your preference, sir. We have creamers, milk, sugar, and add ins on the table behind you.”

    Customer: “So, I should put that stuff in?”

    Me: “Only if you want to.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay.”

    (He proceeds to go to table and add everything on the table to the triple shot. Several minutes later, the customer comes in with the drink which is filled to the brim with milk/cream.)

    Customer: “You served me earlier and this isn’t a triple shot.”

    Me: “I remember you, sir, and it is. I handed you the triple shot.”

    Customer: “Yes, but I don’t want cream or milk in it. I need you to make it again.”

    Me: “Uh, sir, I’ll have to charge you again for the additional triple shot.”

    Customer: “I don’t think you understand. This drink is wrong! I don’t want milk in it!”

    Me: “I do understand, sir, but you put in the milk yourself.”

    Customer: “You said to put in the milk!”

    Me: “No, sir, I said it was down to your preference. How about you explain to me what you want in the triple espresso and I’ll give you a 10% discount?”

    Customer: “Fine, I want espresso and a little sugar.”

    Me: “All right, sir.”

    (I charge him and begin to make the drink again. This time just adding a little simple syrup, hand him drink.)

    Me: “Here’s your triple espresso!”

    Customer: *looks at drink, then to drink counter* “So, should I put milk in?”

    Me: “Do you want milk?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Then, no.”

    There’s A Nut, But It’s Not In The Food

    | Leeds, UK | Food & Drink

    (We’re serving a table of 30. In each set of dishes, there’s one labelled “no nuts”. The first starter labelled no nuts is a prawn cocktail, so I don’t bother specifying one as no nuts.)

    Patron: “I ordered my prawn cocktail with no nuts. Are you sure there’s no nuts in this?”

    Me: “Positive, madam. The prawn cocktail is made without any nuts at all.”

    Patron: “I don’t believe you. Go and get it remade, and make sure there’s no nuts in it!”

    (I walk back into the kitchen and go to the chef.)

    Chef: “Is something wrong with that one?”

    Me: “No, she just wants one that doesn’t have any nuts in.”

    Chef: “But there’s no nuts in the Prawn Cocktail anyway.”

    (Not wanting to waste a perfectly good dish, I take the same cocktail back out to the customer, albeit with some extra cayenne sprinkled on top to differentiate it. Not surprisingly, she’s delighted.)

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