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    Category: Food & Drink

    Stupid Customers, like the rest of us have to eat and drink. Sadly like the rest of us, they sometimes eat with the rest of us. For every waiter, server, drive-thru operator, coffee shop barista, and restaurant manager who has had to deal with fake allergies, vegetarians who don’t know the meaning of the word and idiots who have yet to understand the concept of clearly listed ingredients, we salute you!

    The (Percolating) Patience Of A Saint

    | Colorado, USA | Food & Drink, Top

    (I manage a well-known chain coffee location. We had a minor price increase on some items about a month before.)

    Me: “Good morning, sir. What can I get you today?”

    Customer: “Medium coffee.”

    Me: “Sure, that will be $2.17.”

    Customer: “Two…WHAT?!”

    Me: “$2.17?”

    Customer: “When did that start? It was two dollars even!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We had a minor price increase about a month ago.”

    (At this point, the customer has paid and received his drink and is now holding up the line.)

    Customer: “I haven’t stopped drinking coffee in the last month! It’s been two dollars and that’s what it is! I don’t know where you get off charging me more all of the sudden, but that’s just crap!”

    Me: “Sir, our prices are set by corporate and we have no control, so I’m sorry if you don’t like the price. I can give you a refund if you don’t want the drink, but the lady behind—”

    Customer: “Don’t tell me what to do!! I want this coffee! Look, I’ve already put my face on the cup!”  

    (He then emphasizes the point by mashing his mouth into the lid.)

    Customer: “…and you have my money! Oh…and you’re ‘Sorry’? Do you know what that means in the dictionary?!”

    Me: “Yes, sir.”

    Customer: “No, you frickin’ don’t! It means you aren’t worth anything and that’s what I think of this place. It’s SORRY!”

    (During this final tirade, he is waving his cup around and it’s apparent that the woman behind him is afraid one of us will be splashed.)

    Me: “Sir, I apologize for your confusion. If you don’t like the prices, you don’t need to spend your money here. You have my apology, so please take your coffee and have a great day.”

    (He stares at me blankly for a moment and then wheels around and storms out. The woman who was behind him steps up to the counter. Surprisingly, she reaches out to shake my hand.)

    Next customer: “I don’t know how you stayed calm during that. He almost hit you with hot coffee! I just wanted to shake the hand of a saint before I got my latte!”

    Leave Out The Leaves And Leave

    | Chapel Hill, NC, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

    (I am serving a middle-aged woman and her partner. I can tell as soon as I take drink orders that this is going to be an interesting table. After altering and modifying her entrée in every way possible, the woman decides to order a side salad.)

    Customer: “…and I want a side salad, lettuce, cheese and onions only!”

    Me: “No problem, ma’am. I’ll go ahead and put your order in.”

    (A little while later, I bring out the salad and their entrees. The salad is comprised of mixed greens, shredded cheese, and onions. The woman takes one look at her salad and is clearly displeased.)

    Customer: “What is this?! These are leaves!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, what seems to be the problem with the salad?”

    Customer: “These are leaves! You gave me leaves! Leaves! I’m not a pig! Pigs eat leaves! I’m a human! I’m a country gal and when I order a salad with PLAIN LETTUCE, I don’t want no leaves!”

    (At this point, her partner seems extremely embarrassed, but doesn’t say anything.)

    Me: “I’m very sorry, ma’am. I can replace the salad for you if you’d like.”

    Customer: “No! It’s too late! You’ve ruined my night! Just go!”

    (I leave them to their dinners, unsure of how to remedy the “leaves” situation. When I check on them a little bit later, the woman is still very upset about the salad. I offer to get my manager and she accepts.)

    Manager: “Hello, ladies, what seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “Why are you smilin’?! Do you see me smilin’?! This isn’t a joke! And that waitress! She smiles too much, too! I’m just a country gal who wants some plain lettuce!”

    (In the end, the “leaves” get taken off her bill. At least she left a decent tip!)

    Idiot, Imbecile, Moron

    | Platteville, WI, USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words

    Customer: “Do you have any synonym?”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “SYNONYM!”

    Me: “Do you mean cinnamon?”

    Customer: “No! God! They should have an I.Q. test before hiring people!” *storms away*

    They’re A Fungus Among Us

    | Texas, USA | Food & Drink

    (I’m a cashier at a grocery store and a customer comes in to return an item.)

    Me: “Yes, ma’am how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Yes, I need to return these mushrooms.”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am, was there something wrong with them?”

    Customer: “Yes, they’re a fungus!”

    Me: “Oh, they have something growing on them?”

    Customer: “No! They are a fungus. I’m not eating any fungus!”

    One Does Not Simply Quaff Into Mordor

    | Wichita, KS, USA | Food & Drink

    (In the liquor store I work in, I notice an older man wondering around the store looking very confused. I ask if I can help him find anything.)

    Customer: “Do you have Rivendell?”

    Me:Rivendell?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for Rivendell.”

    Me: “Um, I don’t know if we have that here. Are you sure what you’re looking for is called ‘Rivendell?’”

    Customer: “Yes, Rivendell.”

    Me: *hesitantly* “Sir, I believe Rivendell is a city from The Lord Of The Rings.”

    Customer: “Oh.”

    (We pause and stare at each other for a moment. He pulls his phone out to call the person who sent him to the store. What was he looking for? Zinfandel.)

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    Right Next To The Pee Not And Cabinet

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