Featured Story:
  • Always Time For A Rhyme
    (2,221 thumbs up)
  • Category: Food & Drink

    Stupid Customers, like the rest of us have to eat and drink. Sadly like the rest of us, they sometimes eat with the rest of us. For every waiter, server, drive-thru operator, coffee shop barista, and restaurant manager who has had to deal with fake allergies, vegetarians who don’t know the meaning of the word and idiots who have yet to understand the concept of clearly listed ingredients, we salute you!

    A Few Slices Short Of A Pie

    | Mississippi, USA | Food & Drink, Math & Science

    (I am taking an order over the phone. The caller has never ordered here before and isn’t familiar with the menu.)

    Caller: “How many slices are on your 12 inch?”

    Me: “8.”

    Caller: “What about your 18 inch?”

    Me: “8.”

    Caller: “I thought the 12 inch had 8 slices.”

    Me: “It does. They both have 8 slices.”

    Caller: “How is that possible? If they both have 8 slices, shouldn’t they be the same size?”

    Me: “No, miss. The slices are just different sizes. The number of slices doesn’t make the size of the pizza. They both have 8 slices, but the 18 inch has much bigger slices.”

    Caller: “Oh. Right. Can you cut it twice, to make the slices smaller?”

    Me: “Of course. We can double cut it for you.”

    Caller: “So, how many slices would that be? What, 12?”

    Me: “16.”

    Caller: “No. If you normally have 8 slices, and you cut them twice, it should be 12 pieces, not 16.”

    Me: “It’s 16, Miss. 8 times 2 is 16.”

    Caller: “Whatever…I don’t think so. You have wings?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Caller: “What sizes?”

    Me: “8, 12, 18, 24, and 50.”

    Caller: “Oh, alright. I’ll take a 10 piece.”

    Me: “We have an 8 piece and a 12 piece.”

    Caller: “No, I said a 10 piece.”

    Me: “I know…we don’t have a 10 piece, but we do have an 8 piece or a 12 piece.”

    Caller: “I’m pretty sure you have a 10 piece. My sister said she always gets a ten piece. Are you new? Maybe you should check the menu!”

    Me: “I’ve worked here for 3 years. We’ve never had a 10 piece and I’m looking at the menu on the computer right now. 8 or 12?”

    Caller: “Fine. 12!”

    She’s Also Forgetting Her Manners

    | Boston, MA, USA | Food & Drink

    (The concession stand at our theatre sells a few types of candy, soda, wine, and beer. It’s an upscale live performance theatre so it doesn’t have popcorn or many of the other options that movie theaters have. An elderly woman approaches the stand before the show.)

    Elderly Woman: “I want a hot dog and french fries!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t have hot dogs or french fries. All our snacks are displayed on the bar.”

    Elderly Woman: “You’re lying! I was here last month and you had hot dogs and french fries!”

    (Note: I have worked here for three years. In that time we never had hot dogs or french fries.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but it’s impossible for me to give you a hot dog and french fries. We simply don’t sell them. Would you like a candy instead?”

    Elderly Woman: “NO! I don’t want candy! I want a HOT DOG and FRENCH FRIES! Why don’t you understand me?”

    Me: “I do understand you, ma’am, but the only possible way for me to give you a hot dog and french fries would be to go to my home and make you some, and by that time you would have missed the show.”

    Elderly Woman: “I don’t care! I want a hot dog and french fries and it’s YOUR job to get them to me! If that’s what you have to do, then do it!”

    (At this point a woman in her 50s approaches the elderly woman.)

    Middle-aged Woman: “Mom, did you get what you want?”

    Elderly Woman: “NO! This little b**** won’t give me my hot dog and french fries!”

    Middle-aged Woman: “They don’t sell hot dogs or french fries here.”

    Elderly Woman: “Yes, they do! We were here last month, and they had them!”

    Middle-aged Woman: “We didn’t come here last month. We went to [famous baseball stadium a few blocks away]. THEY had hot dogs and french fries!”

    Hair Unapparent

    | Saskatchewan, Canada | Food & Drink, Top

    (I am delivering pizzas to a hotel room in the early evening. I am a guy in my mid-20s with exceptionally long hair. The customer’s name on the bill is “Katie”. After knocking on the door, I hear someone approach it, but they don’t open the door. Instead, I sense them looking through the peephole, which is followed by some loud whispering.)

    Voice #1: “Guys, it’s a chick!”

    Voice #2: “Are you sure?”

    Voice #1: “Yes!”

    Voice #3: “Dude! Is she hot?”

    Voice #1: “I can’t tell. What do I do?”

    Voice #3: “Dude, take off your shirt!”

    (For the next few moments I hear a lot of shuffling noises. Finally, the door opens, and what do I see? Three scrawny, dorky-looking, and shirtless teenage boys, completely bewildered to see that I am not, in fact, a girl.)

    Me: “Sorry to disappoint you. Now, which one of you is Katie?”

    Related:
    Hair Apparent

    At Least Meet Us Half-And-Half Way

    | Livingston, NJ, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Top

    (I’ve been called to our store’s cafe to deal with a customer demanding a free drink.)

    Me: “Hi, what seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “I got the wrong drink yesterday, so I told the barista that they need to give me a free drink to make up for it.”

    Me: “I’m sorry…you got the wrong drink yesterday?”

    Customer: “Yes! I come here every day to study and get the same drink! Yesterday, they gave me some disgusting sludge. I had to drink the whole thing! What are you going to do to make it right?!”

    Me: “You drank the whole thing, even though you thought it was disgusting and you were still in the store?”

    Customer: “That’s not the point! They gave me the wrong drink. You need to make it up to me.”

    Me: “Why didn’t you tell the barista that you were given the wrong drink yesterday? We would have happily gotten you the correct drink.”

    Customer: “I didn’t realize I had the wrong drink until I sat down. What was I supposed to do, get up and walk all the way over to the counter?!”

    You’re Just Shorting Yourself

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada | Food & Drink, Math & Science, Money, Top

    (On this day, we are selling cups of tall coffee for a quarter to celebrate our 25th anniversary in Canada.)

    Customer #1: “One short dark coffee.”

    Me: “Oh, today is your lucky day! A tall coffee is a quarter, so let me get you a bigger cup of coffee for less money!”

    Customer #1: “I want a short.”

    Me: “Well, a short is 8 oz at $1.74 after tax, but a tall is 12 oz at $0.28 after tax—today only.”

    Customer #1: “Don’t cheat me! I don’t want more coffee!”

    Me: “But it costs less…maybe I could charge you for a tall and just fill it half way?”

    Customer #1: “Stop your trickery and give me what I want. You are trying to rip me off!”

    Me: “Okay. One short coffee…that’s $1.74.”

    Customer #1: “Thank you. Was that so freaking hard?!”

    (The customer walks away, and the next customer approaches.)

    Customer #2: “So, let me get this straight: I can get like four coffees for the price of a short?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer #2: “Oh, that’s a great deal! I’ll get four!”

    (Hearing this, Customer #1 turns back to the counter, enraged.)

    Customer #1: “You’re giving him FOUR?! You’re playing favorites, you b****!”

    Me: *shocked*

    Customer #2: “How much do you hate your job right now?”

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