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    Category: Food & Drink

    Stupid Customers, like the rest of us have to eat and drink. Sadly like the rest of us, they sometimes eat with the rest of us. For every waiter, server, drive-thru operator, coffee shop barista, and restaurant manager who has had to deal with fake allergies, vegetarians who don’t know the meaning of the word and idiots who have yet to understand the concept of clearly listed ingredients, we salute you!

    Size Matters, Part 6

    | San Francisco, CA, USA | Food & Drink, Top

    (A lady and her daughter walk in.)

    Me: “Hi, how may I help you?”

    Daughter: “Can I have the waffle cone with a scoop of coconut ice cream?”

    Me: “Yeah, sure. Here you go.” *hands over ice cream*

    Customer: “What sizes do you have for snow cones?”

    Me: “I have a $2 cup and a $2.50 cup.” *shows her sizes*

    Customer: “Do you have a $1.50 cup?”

    Me: “No, I have $2 and $2.50.”

    Customer: “Okay, I’ll have one exactly like my daughter’s.”

    Me: “A $2 coconut waffle cone?”

    Customer: “No, I want it in a cup…and make it strawberry.”

    Me: “So, not exactly like hers.”

    Customer: “No, I guess not. Wait…never mind. I’ll have a small snow cone.”

    Me: “Okay, what flavor?”

    Customer: “I’ll have the strawberry.”

    Me: “Okay. There you go.” *hands over the small strawberry snow cone*

    Customer: “Oh, you made it small? When I said small, I meant big! I thought you would understand.”

    Me: “No. You said small, so I gave you small.”

    Customer: “Well, I wanted the large one, but it’s okay. It was your mistake.”

    Related:
    Size Matters, Part 5
    Size Matters, Part 4
    Size Matters, Part 3
    Size Matters, Part 2
    Size Matters

    Getting To The Meat Of The Issue

    , | New Orleans, LA, USA | Food & Drink

    Customer: “I would like to buy some top round meat. Are those good for grilling?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, not really. It’s part of the leg and they’re better to marinate first because it’s kind of a tough muscle.”

    Customer: “Oh, no I don’t want the muscle. Just give me the meat!”

    Vegetable Innuendos

    | Chico, CA, USA | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

    (I’m at the farmer’s market selling cucumbers when two little old ladies come up.)

    Little Old Lady #1: “Those are some nice cucumbers.”

    Little Old Lady #2, to #1: “I’ve got a nice bug cucumber back at home for you.”

    Little Old Lady #1, to me: “I’m sorry you had to hear that.”

    One Whopper Of A Mistake

    , | Massachusetts, USA | Food & Drink

    (A customer walks in and slams a bag down on the counter in front of me.)

    Me: “Yes, can I help you, sir?”

    Customer: “Yes! I drove all the way home and had to come all the way back here! That young lady right there said my mozzarella sticks were in this bag, but THEY’RE NOT!”

    (He points rather exaggeratedly at the girl in the drive thru. I look calmly down at the bag, then up at the customer.)

    Me: “Sir, this is McDonald’s. That’s a Burger King bag.”

    (He then looks down at the bag and slowly back up at me.)

    Customer: “Oh.” *picks up bag and runs out the door*

    This Side Uppity

    | Florida, USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words

    (I work in a fairly ritzy upper-end wine store. We get a lot of customers coming in with partial information about the wine they’re looking for, but we can usually help them find it. Sometimes, not so much.)

    Me: “Can I help you, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Yes, I bought a case of wine here last month, and I’d like another. I don’t remember the name, but I remember where in France it’s from.”

    (Our French wines are organized by the part of France that the wines are from, so this is very helpful.)

    Me: “Okay, perhaps you’ll recognize the bottle when we get to that section. Where’s it from?”

    Customer: “The ‘cote a ouvrir.’”

    Me: “Do you mean Côtes du Rhône, or Côtes du Ventoux, or one of the Côtes appellations in Burgundy, perhaps?”

    Customer: “I know d*** well I bought wine here last month, and the box said ‘cote a ouvrir!’”

    Me: “I’m sure it did, ma’am. That’s French for ‘open this side.’”

    Customer: “Yes! Where do you keep the French wines that say ‘cote a ouvrir?’”

    Me: *gestures to the section we’re in* “About two thirds of these will say that.”

    Customer: “So, it’s not very helpful?”

    Me: “Not as such, no.”


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