• A Pain In The Nugget
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  • October Theme Of The Month: Halloween!

    Category: Food & Drink

    Stupid Customers, like the rest of us have to eat and drink. Sadly like the rest of us, they sometimes eat with the rest of us. For every waiter, server, drive-thru operator, coffee shop barista, and restaurant manager who has had to deal with fake allergies, vegetarians who don’t know the meaning of the word and idiots who have yet to understand the concept of clearly listed ingredients, we salute you!

    Putting The Loin In Tenderloin

    | Germany | Food & Drink, Theme Of The Month, Wild & Unruly

    (I am a female butcher. The butchery/preparation room is separated from the service area. I bring out a customer their meat, which is a whole beef tenderloin. It comes to almost 49€ per kilo. A moment later the sales girl comes into the preparation room.)

    Sales Girl: “Hey, you just sold the customer some tenderloin for over 100€, right?”

    Me: “Yes I did; is there a problem? He wanted the whole tenderloin.”

    Sales Girl: “He’s saying he never ordered anything. The store manager just grabbed him at the register, because he knew that customer bought something, but he didn’t pay for anything.”

    Me: “Oh, but I sold him the whole tenderloin, and it’s vacuum-packed.”

    (The store manager walks up to the counter, with the customer in question. One of the customer’s trouser legs is a bit more ‘filled’ than the other.)

    Customer: “She’s lying! I never bought anything!”

    Me: “Sir, I sold you a whole beef tenderloin. And… I think you hid it in your trousers.”

    (The customer denies, but the store manager threatens to call the police. The customer drops his pants in front of all employees and customers. He pulls out the whole tenderloin, still vacuum packed, and throws it into my face, then storms out. We get rid of the package pretty fast, and I get an icepack for my nose!)

    He Wants Coffee As Dense As He Is

    | NY, USA | Food & Drink, Math & Science

    Me: “Here is your coffee, sir.”

    Customer: “Oh, could you add more milk to that?”

    Me: “Sure.”

    (Since the coffee cup is already full, I walk over to the sink to pour a little out before adding more milk.)

    Customer: “Stop that! I didn’t say to pour any out!”

    Me: “Sir, the cup was full. In order to add more milk, I have to pour a little coffee out.”

    Customer: “You should obey what your customers tell you!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but sometimes I have to obey the laws of physics instead.”

    You Say Tomato, I Say Epinephrine

    | ON, Canada | Food & Drink, Health & Body

    (I am on a lunch date with my boyfriend, talking to a waitress.)

    Me: “I’d like no tomatoes on my sandwich please; I am allergic.”

    (This is a lie; it’s just to ensure they don’t end up on my sandwich.)

    Waitress: “Is your allergy mild, major, or severe?”

    Me: “Major.”

    Waitress: “Okay, and you wanted the fries with that? Would you like ketchup or cajun mayo for dipping?”

    Me: “Ketchup.”

    Waitress: “Of course. Our manager may stop by your table to discuss your allergy with you.”

    (The waitress leaves.)

    Me: *to my boyfriend* “Why would the manager talk to me?”

    Boyfriend: “You said you were allergic to tomatoes. But you ordered ketchup with your fries.”

    Me: “…Oh. S***!”

    (I walk up to the waitress, who has just finished talking on the phone.)

    Me: “Was that the manager you were just talking to?”

    Waitress: “Yes.”

    Me: “I’m really sorry; I’m not actually allergic to them. I just wanted to make sure they absolutely didn’t end up there; I despise raw tomato. But then I went and ordered ketchup with my fries, which was really stupid.”

    Waitress: *laughs* “I’ve seen stupider. Don’t worry about it; there won’t be any tomato on your sandwich.”

    You Say Potato, I Say Epinephrine

    Bottle, Bottle, On The Wall, Who Is The Dumbest Of Them All

    | Huddersfield, England, UK | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (A customer half staggers inside.)

    Customer: “Excuse me mate, where are ya’ beers?”

    (I indicate to the left of the till where our alcohol aisle is. I suspect that he might already be intoxicated. I tell him where the alcohol section is, but keep a close eye on him. The customer wanders slowly up the aisle, inspecting our cans and bottles of cheap alcohol. He makes it all the way to the end before stopping. There, he proceeds to stand, facing into the corner, as if he is taking a leak. I get out from behind the till and approach him.)

    Me: “Are you alright?”

    (The customer jumps, startled, and turns to face me. His eyes are bloodshot, yet he doesn’t smell of alcohol.)

    Customer: “Oh yeah! I’m glad you’re here. You see, I want to get these beers here.”

    (He points to some beers that he can see on the top shelf in the corner. He paws, like a cat at the glass separating him from the beers.)

    Customer: “I can’t get to ’em. So, I was wondering if you could just go in the back, go around, and get ’em for me?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. You want me to get… those beers?”

    Customer: “Yeah! That’s the ones. So, like, if you could just… go around and get them.”

    (I stare at him blankly for a couple of seconds, then decide to release the customer of his misery.)

    Me: “Mate… that’s a mirror.”

    Deliver Us From Bad Customers

    | CO, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

    (I am working the lunch shift at a sandwich shop that delivers. When I arrive, snow is starting to fall. After about an hour, the delivery drivers start to report that the roads are getting worse. The manager decides to stop delivery, but, as customers are still coming into the shop, he opts to keep the restaurant open. I answer a call.)

    Caller: “Are you guys still open?”

    Me: “Yes, for the time being.”

    Caller: “Thank goodness! Everybody is closing because of the snowstorm!”

    Me: “Yes, it’s starting to get pretty bad out there. In fact, we’re thinking about closing early ourselves.”

    Caller: “Well, I’m glad that you’re not closed yet! I’d like to place a delivery order.”

    Me: “Well, unfortunately, we’re not delivering right now. The storm has gotten so bad that we’re concerned for the safety of our drivers. However, as I said, we are still open. You can still place an order with me and come pick it up at the shop.”

    Caller: “Are you kidding me!? I’m not going out on these roads!”

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