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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • Category: Food & Drink

    Stupid Customers, like the rest of us have to eat and drink. Sadly like the rest of us, they sometimes eat with the rest of us. For every waiter, server, drive-thru operator, coffee shop barista, and restaurant manager who has had to deal with fake allergies, vegetarians who don’t know the meaning of the word and idiots who have yet to understand the concept of clearly listed ingredients, we salute you!

    Waste Lots, Want Not

    | Sydney, Australia | Food & Drink

    (This conversation takes place about 10 minutes before closing time.)

    Customer: “Why are half the bowls empty? I paid my money; I want them to be full!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am but there are some salads that can’t be kept overnight for health reasons so we discard them at the end of service. As we close in 10 minutes, we run them as low as possible to reduce wastage.”

    Customer: “That’s not good enough.”

    Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way, ma’am. If you could let me know which salads in particular you would like to try, I can replace them for you.”

    Customer: “No. I want you to fill everything. I should be able to pick which ones I want to eat.”

    Me: “Just to be clear, you want me to completely fill half the bar so you can have a few servings, even though it’s all going to be thrown out in 10 minutes?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: *speechless*

    Voracity Is The Mother Of Intervention

    | Ontario, Canada | Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Top

    (This occurs when I’m bringing desserts and coffee to a table with two customers—one middle-aged woman and one elderly woman.)

    Me: “Here you go. Is there anything else I can get for you ladies?”

    Middle-aged Customer: “An extra fork, please.”

    Me: “I’ll get you one right away.”

    (After I return with her fork…)

    Elderly Customer: “Excuse me, but my coffee is far too strong.”

    Middle-aged Customer: “…and old. I tried some, and it’s clearly been sitting for a long time.”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry about the strength, although I actually made that coffee after you ordered it. I can make you another less strong one if you’d like.”

    Elderly Customer: “Yes, please.”

    (I leave, make her a new coffee at half-strength and come back to return it, at which point they’ve eaten all of their dessert.)

    Me: “Here you go.”

    Middle-aged Customer: “Excuse me, but the mango cheesecake was far too sweet.”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry about that. The cheesecake is something they make in the kitchen, but I’ll certainly let them know for you.”

    Middle-aged Customer: “Could I maybe get a discount on it, or have it for free because of that?”

    Me: “Um… I can ask the chef for you, but I don’t think he’ll say yes, since you finished the whole thing.”

    Middle-aged Customer: “Well, I didn’t mention this earlier, but my dinner was also too salty.”

    Me: “Again, I can let them know, and ask about a discount, but you ate the whole thing, so I doubt I’ll be allowed to reduce the price for you.”

    Middle-aged Customer: “The scallops in it were mushy, too!”

    Me: “Well, they were breaded scallops and the dish you ordered was very saucy. It’s unfortunately unavoidable that they’d get somewhat soft from the sauce. Again, I can talk to the kitchen for you, but I doubt there’ll be any result.”

    Middle-aged Customer: “Hmm…” *to the elderly customer* “Did we order any appetizers?”

    Elderly Customer: “The appetizer was delicious, you said so yourself. Now stop trying to get freebies and let the poor girl go do her job. There’s other people at other tables that you’re keeping her from helping by holding her here with all your complaints.”

    Middle-aged Customer: “Fine! That’s everything. Just bring us the bill.”

    (As I leave to go to the kitchen and deliver her complaints, I hear the elderly customer berating the middle-aged one.)

    Elderly Customer: “Shame on you, a grown woman! I didn’t raise you to be a greedyguts!”

    Related:
    Necessity Is The Mother Of Intervention

    One Bloody Scary On The Shocks

    | Sydney, Australia | Bizarre, Food & Drink, Health & Body

    (I am working at the bar on a particularly busy night and I don’t realise that I have cut one of my fingers. As I hand a customer his drink, I notice a bit of blood on the glass.)

    Me: “Oh my god, I’m so sorry! I must have cut myself. Let me remake that for you!”

    Customer: “Don’t worry, it’s fine.”

    Me: “No, I cut myself and there’s a bit of blood on that glass. Please, let me give you a new one.”

    (Before I can take the glass back, the customer picks it up.)

    Customer: “I like it this way. Don’t worry!”

    Me: “But—”

    (The customer turns the glass around and drinks from the side with my blood.)

    Customer: *grinning* “Mmmm, delicious! Thanks!”

    Me: *horrified*

    Cool, Cream, And Corrected

    | Maine, USA | Bigotry, Food & Drink, Top

    (At the coffee shop where I work, my coworker, Coworker #1, is from South America. He has a very thick accent, but his English comprehension and speech is otherwise perfect. A customer comes through drive-thru and orders two extra large coffees with a whopping eight servings of cold cream. A few moments later, he comes back to complain.)

    Customer: “I have a problem!”

    Coworker #1: “What’s the issue, sir?”

    Customer: “My coffee is stone cold!”

    Coworker #1: “Okay, I’ll remake that for you. It was eight creams, right?”

    Customer: “Yes, and I’d like them to be actually warm this time.”

    Coworker #1: *remakes both coffees* “Here you are. Have a good day!”

    (The man leaves, but comes back a few minutes later. He’s still fuming. Another coworker of mine helps him.)

    Customer: “This is unacceptable!”

    Coworker #2: “Hi, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “You can remake my coffee again, and this time I’d like it to not be so godd*** cold!”

    Coworker #2: “Okay…” *turns to my South American coworker* “Could you remake this again? I need to finish cleaning the flavor shot station.”

    Coworker #1: “Of course!”

    Customer: “NO! No, he’s not touching them!”

    (At this point, the manager hears the noise and comes out.)

    Manager: “Okay, what’s the problem?”

    Customer: “I’m so sick of your employees!”

    Manager: “What’s the problem?”

    Customer: “That f***ing foreigner of yours keeps f***ing up my coffees! You either need to make him learn f***ing English or send him back to wherever the f*** he came from! I want hot coffee, NOT hot coffee that’s STONE COLD!”

    Manager: “Okay, firstly don’t swear at me. Secondly, he speaks and understands English perfectly so don’t say he can’t understand you. I will remake your coffees this time if it humors you. What was in them?”

    Customer: “Eight creams!”

    Manager: *pauses for a moment* “Seriously?”

    Customer: “YES!”

    Manager: “You do realize that adding EIGHT cold creams to a coffee will cool them off, right?”

    Customer: “What?”

    Manager: “If you add that much cream—which is chilled—to a coffee, it will cool it off. It’s not my employees’ fault. Now, have a nice day and please leave my store!”

    Dog As I Say, Not As I Dog

    | North Carolina, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

    (Note: our hot dogs come with chili and coleslaw on them, and customers frequently ask for them without one or the other.)

    Customer: “I’ll have a hot dog with cheddar cheese and no meat.”

    Me: “Sure. Do you still want the coleslaw?”

    Customer: “Yes, and be sure to toast the bun.”

    (I put her order in, and return a short time later with a hot dog in a toasted bun with cheese and coleslaw.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, I asked for no meat. This has meat on it.”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you meant you didn’t want the chili. Could you explain to me what it is you’d like?”

    Customer: “Well, I said no meat! Take the hot dog out!”

    Me: “Okay, so just to be clear: you want a toasted hot dog bun with cheese and coleslaw… but no hot dog?”

    Customer: “Yes! Is that so hard?”

    Me: “I’m so sorry for the misunderstanding. Would you like me to bring you a grilled cheese sandwich with coleslaw in it? It would be less expensive.”

    Customer: “I specifically asked for a hot dog. A grilled cheese is not a hot dog!”

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