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    Category: Food & Drink

    Stupid Customers, like the rest of us have to eat and drink. Sadly like the rest of us, they sometimes eat with the rest of us. For every waiter, server, drive-thru operator, coffee shop barista, and restaurant manager who has had to deal with fake allergies, vegetarians who don’t know the meaning of the word and idiots who have yet to understand the concept of clearly listed ingredients, we salute you!

    That’s The Way The Cookie Grumbles

    | Chesapeake, VA, USA | Food & Drink

    (I work at a movie theater that sells a popular brand of cookies. On weekends, we often sell out faster than we can bake. On this day, we are sold out.)

    Customer: “Do you have any cookies prepared?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, but—”

    Customer: “Let me speak to your manager!”

    (The manager is in the area and overhears.)

    Manager: “What can I help you with?”

    Customer: “I was told you don’t have any cookies!”

    Manager: “None that are ready to eat, but there are some in the—”

    Customer: “You should keep them stocked! If I can keep my cookie oven stocked, so can you! I only come to the theater for the cookies!”

    Manager: “Ma’am, I swear on my honor as a man that we will have cookies ready the next time you come in.”

    Customer: “You better!”

    (After she leaves, he dubs the woman the Cookie Monster. Now, whenever we run out of cookies, it’s a running joke to say “Hurry and bake more before the Cookie Monster comes for us!”)

    You Read My Mind

    | Lake Zurich, IL, USA | At The Checkout, Food & Drink

    (I’m working the concession stand at the local movie theater when two teenage girls approach.)

    Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”

    Customer #1: “Yes, I’d like a large.”

    Me: “A large what?”

    Customer #1: *glares angrily* “A large POP.”

    Me: *stares at her and smiles*

    Customer #1: *angrily* “What?!”

    Customer #2: “Tell him what kind of pop.”

    Customer #1: *laughs* “Oh my God, I’m so blonde!”

    Made From Soylent Green

    | Perth, WA, Australia | Food & Drink, Language & Words

    Me: “What salad would you like?”

    Customer: “Lettuce, cucumber, capsicum, Filipino–”

    Me: *laughing* “Did you mean jalapeño?”

    Forbidden Fruits (& Veggies)

    | Washington, USA | Family & Kids, Food & Drink

    (A middle-aged woman, her mother, and her three year old walk into my sandwich shop.)

    Mother: *to child* “What do you want today?”

    Child: “A samminch!”

    Mother: “Okay, what kind?”

    Child: “A samminch!”

    Mother: “Do you want turkey?”

    Child: “NO!”

    Mother: “Do you want ham?”

    Child: “NO!”

    Mother: “I AIN’T RAISIN’ NO VEGETARIAN!”

    Fresher Than You’ll Ever Be

    | Massena, NY, USA | Food & Drink

    (I have worked at this concession stand for four years and this particular customer has been coming at least once a week since I started. Some variation of this same argument occurs every week.)

    Regular Customer: “Is that coffee fresh?”

    Me: “Relatively. I haven’t been open that long. You want some?”

    Regular Customer: “No. It needs to be fresh!”

    Me: “Ma’am, it is fresh. I just opened fifteen minutes ago.”

    Regular Customer: “No! I can only drink fresh coffee!”

    Me: “It is fresh coffee!”

    (The customer stands there and glares at me without saying a word for about a minute.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I am not making a new pot of coffee. This one is still fresh and over half-full.”

    Regular Customer: “Yeah, well, it’s not fresh! No one’s going to buy it!”

    Me: “Someone just did!”

    Regular Customer: “Well, no one else will because you’re trying to sell them old coffee! I need fresh coffee!” *storms off*

    Other Regular Customer: “You’d think she’d have learned just to bring her own d*** coffee by now.”


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