Category: Food & Drink

Stupid Customers, like the rest of us have to eat and drink. Sadly like the rest of us, they sometimes eat with the rest of us. For every waiter, server, drive-thru operator, coffee shop barista, and restaurant manager who has had to deal with fake allergies, vegetarians who don’t know the meaning of the word and idiots who have yet to understand the concept of clearly listed ingredients, we salute you!

Dining Sin

| USA | Bad Behavior, Bigotry, Food & Drink, Top

(I’m a waitress, seating a woman next to a pair of young men holding hands across the table. They are talking quietly to each other, very obviously on a date. One of the men is drastically shorter than the other, making him appear much younger.)

Female Customer: “Well, isn’t that sweet, taking your little brother out? How old is he, 10?”

(Customer #1 blushes and bites his lip.)

Customer #2: “He’s 19, and he’s my boyfriend.”

(I’m about to walk away, when the woman gasps and shrieks at me in outrage.)

Female Customer: “HOW DARE YOU ALLOW THESE HEATHENS TO ACT LIKE THIS IN PUBLIC! YOU TWO SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES, YOU F*****S!”

(Both men visibly flinch. The smaller starts pulling his hand away, blinking back tears. The taller catches it and gives him a reassuring smile. Being bisexual myself, I’ve learned how to deal with this.)

Me: “Look at that couple over there.”

(I point to a girl and boy, on the other side of the restaurant. They are about the same age, doing the exact same thing the other couple just was.)

Me: “What do you think of them?”

Female Customer: “Well, they’re cute!”

(I point to the gay couple.)

Me: “And if one of them was a girl?”

(The female customer stammers furiously. She stands up, almost knocking the table over, and starts stomping away.)

Female Customer: “I’m never coming here again! I’ll have you reported for allowing these f*****s to sin here!”

(Luckily for me, my boss laughs in her face. He bans her from the restaurant, and calls other branches to warn them about her. The two men are incredibly sweet, and make sure to give me a twenty dollar tip. They’ve been regulars ever since!)

Don’t Be Tardis With His Order

| AR, USA | Food & Drink, Geeks Rule

(I am filling boxes for to-go orders. An order comes back without a name, so my boss gives me permission to write ‘Dr. Who’ on the box.)

Boss: “We’ve got a to-go!”

Me: “Sorry guys, I don’t have enough information on these grilled cheese sandwiches. And there’s not a name or phone number.”

Boss: “Oh, shoot.”

Me: “Should we wait until they get here?”

Boss: “We’ll just give them cheddar. If they don’t want them, we’ll make them new ones.”

(I write up the boxes with ‘Dr. Who’ and make the order. I see a young man picking up the no-name order. The following week…)

Waitress: “We’ve got an order from Doctor Who!”

Me: “Wait, really?”

Waitress: “Yep. He told me on the phone that he liked what we did with the boxes.”

(I check the ticket. It’s the same thing the young man ordered last week, with ‘Dr. Who’ written in the name spot. Looks like one of our regulars has a new nickname!)

I Should Be So Ducky

| IL, USA | Awesome Customers, Food & Drink, Money

Me: “Hi, welcome to [fast food place]! How can I help you?”

Elderly Customer: “Yes. I’ll have a small hamburger, a small fry, and a small coffee, for here, please.”

Me: “Certainly. Would you like cream and sugar with your coffee?”

Elderly Customer: “Of course. Two cream, and two sugar, please.”

Me: “Your total is $[total].”

(The Elderly Customer hands me more than enough to cover the meal.)

Elderly Customer: “Keep the change.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We’re not allowed to take tips.”

Elderly Customer: “Really? What’s this world coming to! Customers should be allowed to tip for good service.”

Me: “I’m really sorry about that, sir. Here’s your food. Is there anything else that you would like?”

Elderly Customer: “No, thanks.”†

(He takes his food off to the lobby. A short while later, he’s back at my register.)

Me: “Did you need a refill on your coffee, sir?”

Elderly Customer: “Yes, please.”

(I refill his coffee. When I return with his cup, he takes it, smiles at me, and leaves the store. Sitting on the counter where he was standing, is a small balloon duck. The duck has a note.)

Note: “This isn’t a tip; he’s a gift. I hope that he brings a smile to your face.”

The A(dobo) Team

| Lompoc, CA, USA | Bad Behavior, Family & Kids, Food & Drink, One-Liners

(I’m a chef at a Filipino restaurant. My boyfriend, his friend, and my sister, are also on duty with me. A customer in his late 20s comes in.)

Me: “Hello, sir! How are you today?”

Customer: “Hey, babe. Are you free tonight?”

Me: “Do you have something you want to order?”

(The customer gets angry.)

Customer: “Look, I just asked you if you had any plans tonight! Yes or no?!”

Me:“Sir, I have a boyfriend. If you don’t want to order anything, please leave.”

Man: “Ha! What are you gonna do? Huh! Your little boyfriend ain’t gonna do anything to me!”

Me: “Hannibal! B.A.! Face!”

(My boyfriend, his friend, and my sister start walking towards the man.)

Boyfriend: “B.A.? Will you please escort this man out of the premises?”

(My friend walks towards the customer, cracking his knuckles. The customer runs out of the restaurant.)

Boyfriend: “I love it when a plan comes together!”

Sister: “Shut up…”

Guessing Is A Whiskey Business

| UK | Awesome Customers, Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

(An elderly customer comes in. I’ve never seen him before in nearly two years of working there.)

Customer: “I’d like a bottle of whiskey, please.”

Me: “Okay, which one would you like?”

Customer: “Well, I don’t know…”

(I step to the side so he has a better view of the whiskey, but he just continues to stare at me. A few seconds pass…)

Me: “Have you decided?”

(The customer becomes irate.)

Customer: “No, I haven’t decided! I was waiting for you to tell me!”

Me: “Pardon?”

Customer: “I was waiting for you to tell me what I want.”

(I start listing the brands and prices for each bottle.)

Customer: “No! I don’t care about any of that! Just tell me what I want!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I’m not sure what size bottle you’re after, or brand, or even how much money you have on you.”

Customer: “USELESS! You lot are supposed to be here to help. I don’t know why I bothered coming here! Every time I come here, you lot never help me! You’re all USELESS!”

(He storms out the shop. I begin to serve the next customer.)

Customer #2: “Well, that was weird! Anyway, I’d like some wine please.”

Me: “Okay, would you like any wine in particular?”

Customer #2: “I don’t know, red wine? Can’t you just tell me what I want?! You’re so useless! WHY WON’T YOU JUST READ MY MIND AND TELL ME WHAT I WANT?! DO I EVEN LIKE RED WINE?!”

(He pretends to storm out the shop. That guy never fails to cheer us up!)

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