Category: Food & Drink

Stupid Customers, like the rest of us have to eat and drink. Sadly like the rest of us, they sometimes eat with the rest of us. For every waiter, server, drive-thru operator, coffee shop barista, and restaurant manager who has had to deal with fake allergies, vegetarians who don’t know the meaning of the word and idiots who have yet to understand the concept of clearly listed ingredients, we salute you!

Aisle Be There For You

| Marietta, GA, USA | Bizarre, Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

(My friend and I are grocery shopping. We have brought a shopping-list, but we still miss a couple of things.)

Friend: “Oh, darn! I forgot to get orange juice! You just wait here. Don’t move; I’ll be right back.”

(She hurries back to the refrigerated section. I wait for a while, and realize that she has left me at a bit of a bottleneck, blocking traffic. I know she’s going to take a while to chose an OJ, so I decide to go and get one of the other things we are missing. I head down the aisles, looking at the labels for trash bags. There’s an employee standing at the end of an aisle.)

Employee: “Hi, are you finding everything?”

Me: “I’m looking for trash bags. Where will I find those?”

Employee: “Oh, yeah, it’s right at the end of this aisle on the left.”

Me: “Thanks!”

Employee: “Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Me: “Actually, yes. So I’m helping my friend shop, and she told me to wait over there, but I’m going to get trash bags. In a little bit, she’s going to come around the corner and look lost, then annoyed, and then start searching aisles. Could you tell her where I went?”

Employee: “Uh… Yeah, sure.”

(A little bit later, my friend appears next to me with a look of confusion on her face.)

Me: “You found me!”

Friend: “Yeah… How did the employee know I was looking for you?”

Tinker, Tailor, Waiter, Spy

| Mendoza, Argentina | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink, Top, Tourists/Travel

(I am a US citizen. I don’t look like a native Argentine. I’m with a group of my friends. I have a face that is often mistaken for a worker wherever I am—even in the USA. I grab a menu so I can decipher it while we are waiting for a waiter. A customer grabs me by my lapels.)

Customer: *in Spanish* “We’ve been waiting for 40 minutes and no one has come. Why? We’re hungry and livid!”

Me: *thinking quickly* “I’m sorry, ma’am. We got a sudden lunch rush. Half of our wait staff called off because of sickness, and those who are here are working as hard as we can.”

Customer: “It’s not enough! You better take our order, NOW!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, you’re next on my list. I’ll take care of you right now. Let me go get my stuff; I’ll be right back.”

(She shoves me away, and into another table. I stand up, apologize, and rejoin my friends.)

Friend: *in English* “What was that all about?”

Me: “That lady has been waiting for a while and she’s angry about it.”

Friend: “So… she… thinks you’re a waiter?”

Me: “Yep, and she’s going to be waiting a while longer.”

Periodically Stupid

| Australia | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Math & Science, Technology

(I work in the kitchen department of a department store.)

Customer: “Excuse me, I have a complaint about your microwave-safe bowls.”

Me: “What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “Well, I was cooking my lunch, when all of a sudden I see sparks inside the microwave. I quickly stopped it, took it out and the side of my microwave was burnt. This is disgusting; these are meant to be MICROWAVE SAFE. These are a hazard.”

Me: “Well, sir, many customers have purchased the same microwave-safe bowls as this and have not had any problems. It may have been a problem with the microwave, or maybe you had a bit of metal on the inside which caused the sparks? Did you perhaps accidentally leave a metal spoon or fork in the bowl?”

Customer: “There was no metal.”

Me: “Okay, what did you use to cover the food?”

Customer: “Aluminum foil.”

Me: “That would be the problem. Like having any other metal in the microwave, aluminum foil can cause sparks and possibly be a fire hazard. You need to use plastic, such as cling wrap.”

Customer: “But aluminum foil isn’t metal.”

Me: “Yes it is, Aluminum is metal.”

Customer: “Don’t be stupid; aluminum foil can’t be metal. It’s soft, so it is a plastic. Metals are hard.”

Man, What A Woman

| MI, USA | Awesome Customers, Food & Drink, Top

(I’m female, but due to my height, my short hair cut, and our gender neutral uniforms, I’m often mistaken as male.)

Customer: “Excuse me, sir?”

Me: *turns around* “Yes, sir?”

Customer: *blinks* “Oh, I’m sorry! I thought you were a man! Well, I mean, it’s not that you look masculine. Not that you look weak either! You’re very beautiful. I just saw short hair and a ball cap. Not that girls can’t wear ball caps! Or have short hair! I like short hair on women. It’s very nice! I mean, ah, your hair is. Some women can’t pull it off. I like your eyes!”

(The customer turns red and I am trying not to laugh.)

Me: “Thank you very much, sir. Can I slice you some lunch meat?”

Customer: “Yes. And then just toss it in the hole I tried to dig myself out of, would you?”

Me: “Not a problem. We cater to stranger requests.”

(As the customer is leaving, he gives me a very large smile.)

Customer: “You know something? You really ARE quite beautiful. Have a nice day!”

(I did have a nice day, and all because of him!)

Chalk Is His Kryptonite

| FL, USA | Food & Drink, Geeks Rule, Top

Customer: “I also want a pound of Swiss cheese, but I don’t want it sliced.”

Me: “So you’d just like a one-pound block of cheese?”

Customer: “Exactly. Can you do that?”

Me: “I sure can.”

(I take the cheese over to the sandwich station to get a large knife, measure approximately where I think one pound would be, and cut off a block. I put it on the scale, and much to my satisfaction, the weight of the block I cut is 1.005 pounds.)

Me: “Well hey, that was pretty good!”

(The customer looks at the scales.)

Customer: “Oh, my God! How did you do that?!”

Me: “Lots of practice?”

Customer: “No, no, that wouldn’t do it. You must have some kind of supernatural cheese power!”

Me: “Well, I was born on a dying cheese planet, and sent to Earth in a cheese rocket by my parents. Exposure to Earth’s yellow sun gives me cheese powers.”

Customer: “Whoa. Honey, come here! You’ve got to see this!”

(The customer’s wife comes over and listens to the story.)

Customer’s Wife: “Holy s***. Can you do that again?”

(I look over at my manager, who rolls her eyes and gives me a ‘go ahead’ wave. I cut another block off the Swiss cheese and weigh it. It comes up to 0.995 pounds.)

Customer’s Wife: “Jesus Christ!”

(She grabs the arm of another passing customer.)

Customer’s Wife: “You’ve got to see this! This guy is Cheese Man!”

Me: “Ma’am, please don’t give away my secret identity. The cheese villains of the world would hunt me down.”

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