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    Category: Food & Drink

    Stupid Customers, like the rest of us have to eat and drink. Sadly like the rest of us, they sometimes eat with the rest of us. For every waiter, server, drive-thru operator, coffee shop barista, and restaurant manager who has had to deal with fake allergies, vegetarians who don’t know the meaning of the word and idiots who have yet to understand the concept of clearly listed ingredients, we salute you!

    The Cake Is Not A Lie

    | TX, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (I’m making a banana split, when a woman frantically rushes over to me, waving her hands up and down.)

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, is everything all right?”

    Customer: “Yes, yes, I just have a question.”

    Me: “Okay, what is your question?”

    Customer: “These cakes in this case over here, the mint one… does it have cake in it?”

    Me: “…Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Does this cake have cake in it?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, the cakes contain cake.”

    He’s Obviously Just Wingin’ It

    | Georgia, USA | Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers

    (I serve a customer some food, specifically wings and fries. He approaches me with his meal; two of the wings are badly hidden in the fries.)

    Customer: “Hey man, you didn’t give me two wings. Cook them again!”

    Me:” I’m sure that I gave you the order just like you asked.”

    Customer: “Yo man, I told you! I have two f***ing wings missin’! How the f*** do you know that I be gettin’ all my wings?!”

    Me: “I also cook the food, sir.”

    Customer: “THAT DON’T MEAN NUTTIN!”

    Me: “I count before, during, and after food preparation. I guarantee you, you got what you ordered.”

    Customer: “NO I DIDN’T!”

    Me: “Okay, then please explain why there are chicken bones in the fries, and why you have hot sauce on your lips.”

    Customer: *flips me the bird and storms out of the store*

    Milk It For All Its Work

    | Toronto, ON, Canada | Bizarre, Food & Drink, Top

    (A regular walks into the shop, makes his usual order, and pays for it. But instead of waiting at the bar, he pulls out an empty litre plastic bottle. He then pulls out a little funnel and fills the bottle to the brim with our coffee shop’s milk and stands at the bar looking smug until his drink arrives.)

    Coworker: “That’s a lot of milk you’ve got there.”

    Customer: “I know… I have to make ends meet somehow, with the prices that you charge. That’s like five bucks worth of milk in there.”

    Coworker: “Well, sir, the other customers might want some, too.”

    Customer: “I’m setting an example. How much do these cost to make? Milk, coffee, energy, wages. Less than I just paid for it. So, according to Marx’s theory of materialist dialectics, you’re extracting surplus value from me, the consumer. I’m just getting back some of what you owe me, and all the other customers should too.”

    (At this point, everyone is looking at us, and the manager comes over to intervene.)

    Manager: “Sir, our margins are pretty tight and that…” *points at the milk* “…is WAY more than the surplus value. Anyway, I haven’t done the calculation but I’d say most of the surplus value you contribute goes to homeless people and the ones who come in here and make themselves cinnamon milk to drink. You pay according to your ability, and they get according to their need. Yeah?”

    Customer: *goes quiet and walks out, leaving his milk on the bar*

    Manager: “Don’t try and school me on Marxist theory, a**hole.”

    Wilt By Association

    | Manchester, UK | Awesome Customers, Food & Drink, Top

    (I’m the only barman on shift and have just told a rather rowdy customer that he’ll have to leave if he doesn’t calm down. However, he starts to mouth off at me instead. A MASSIVE guy who I’ve never met before turns around to watch him.)

    Customer: *to the massive guy* “What the f*** you gonna do? I’ll f***ing take you, I’ll beat the f***ing s*** out of you!”

    Massive Guy: “Hah! No you f***ing won’t. This guy…” *indicates me* “…can chokeslam me, so I’d love to see what he can do to YOU.”

    (The rowdy customer looks up at him, and then looks back at me in surprise.)

    Customer: “Uh… yeah, right. He’s a f***ing twig. He couldn’t do s*** to anyone!”

    (I shrug and start to walk round the bar.)

    Me: “Okay, if you’re so sure, let’s go outside, shall we?”

    (At this, the rowdy customer deflates and backs towards the door.)

    Customer: “Uh… nevermind… I’ll… I’ll take your word for it!” *turns tail and runs*

    Me: *to the massive guy* “Thanks for the help there.”

    Massive Guy: “Don’t worry about it. I hate seeing people try to bully barstaff. You shouldn’t disrespect the guy who gives you beer.”

    (His drinks were free for the rest of the night!)

    Customers Set A Really Low (Yogurt) Bar

    | Ontario, Canada | Food & Drink

    (I’m taking my kids to a frozen yogurt bar for the first time. Since the teller is helping another customer, I take a quick look at the signs for instructions, which are very clear and obvious. As we’re picking what we want, the teller comes over to see how we’re doing.)

    Teller: “Hi! How are you doing? Do you need any help?”

    Me: “No, thanks, I think we’ve got it figured out.”

    Teller: “Oh, you’ve been in before?”

    Me: “Nope, this is our first time, but the directions are really straight-forward…” *laughing* “…and I read the directions. I know that doesn’t always happen.”

    Teller: “No, that’s pretty unusual, actually. Really, really unusual.”

    Me: “Yeah, I used to work with the public. Members of the general public are idiots.”

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