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    Category: Family & Kids

    Crouching Tiger, Hidden Powers

    | Queens, NYC, NY, USA | Awesome Customers, Awesome Workers, Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I’m half-Chinese, but with my sunglasses on, people usually can’t tell. I’m fluent in Mandarin. One day I get a text from my friend, a grade-school teacher.)

    Friend: “You speak Chinese, right?”

    Me: “Yeah, why?”

    Friend: “Come down to [intersection] around noon and explain what the f*** is going on.”

    (At my lunch break I head down there. On one side of the street is a crowd of school kids, while on the other side an elderly Chinese man with an ice cream cart.)

    Kid #1: “I’m gonna do it.”

    Kid #2: “No way.”

    Kid #1: “Yeah way. I’m fast enough!”

    Kid #2: “You’re not Chinese.”

    Kid #1: “So?”

    Kid #2: “Only [Chinese name] can do it.”

    Kid #1: “I’m gonna do it.”

    (Kid #1 dashes across the street, yanks back the cover of the cart, and grabs a handful of ice cream. He takes off, but the vendor catches him, pinning both arms behind his back.)

    Vendor: “Ah, three bars? Your total is $9.28.”

    Kid #1: “Lemme go!”

    (The vendor removes some money from the kid’s pocket with his free hand.)

    Vendor: “Cash paid is $20.”

    Kid #1: “Yeah, yeah, I know the drill.”

    (While still holding the struggling kid, the vendor deposits the $20 in his till and takes out change.)

    Vendor: “Your change is $10.72.”

    (The vendor puts the change and ice creams in a bag and hands them to the kid, who takes off.)

    Vendor: “Have a nice day!”

    Kid #2: “Told you.”

    Kid #1: “Fine! Okay, [Chinese name], you do it!”

    (A short Chinese boy steps forward. His clothes are patched and despite the weather, he’s not wearing a coat.)

    Chinese Kid: “Let us meditate… on the way of the wind.”

    (He strikes a ridiculous pose and exhales loudly. The other kids jump back.)

    Chinese Kid: “…on the way of the snake…”

    (New pose, hissing loudly. The others back away even more.)

    Chinese Kid: “…on the way of the hawk.”

    (He flaps his arms and jumps in a circle. The kids are a good twenty feet away now.)

    Chinese Kid: “The meditation is done.”

    (He runs up to the ice cream vendor and grabs a handful of bars. The vendor strikes him with an exaggerated karate chop which the kid easily blocks.)

    Chinese kid: *flees, speaking Chinese* “Thank you, Mr. [Name]!”

    Vendor: *shakes his fist angrily, also in Chinese* “Sorry, we are out of lime today!”

    (The Chinese kid kicks towards the vendor from across the street.)

    Chinese kid: “My mother says she hopes your leg feels better!”

    Vendor: *red-faced with rage* “It does! Tell her thank you for the tea!”

    (The kids are enthralled. As they eat the ice cream, I approach the vendor.)

    Me: *in Chinese* “What just happened?”

    Vendor: “Oh… you understood. That little boy is a new immigrant, and all the other children mocked him because he is small and weak. He told them Chinese people have special powers, and they beat him up and told him to prove it. But I overheard and whispered to him to rob me. Now we have a deal.”

    Me: “How wonderful!” *pointing behind him* “Hey, can you tell what that is?”

    (As he turns around, I drop some money on the cart and grab a bar of ice cream, fleeing.)

    Vendor: “You forgot your change!”

    Me: *shakes my fist* “It’s a tip!”

    Kids: “Whoa! How did you do that?”

    (I slip off my sunglasses. The Chinese kid bows to me and I bow back.)

    Kid #2: “Told you they have special powers. Never bully a Chinese kid, man. Never!”

    The Karate Kid: Christmas Special

    | Kent, England, UK | Bad Behavior, Family & Kids, Holidays, Themed Giveaway, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (Is a few days before Christmas, and people are after their last few gifts. I’m stacking shelves when I see a confrontation between a man who is tall and obviously goes to the gym and a boy who is about nine years old.)

    Man: “Give me that toy! You’re only going to steal it!”

    Boy: “No, I got here first. You should have been more prepared.”

    Man: “Shut up you brat. I’m your elder. You should respect me. Just give me the toy or I’ll educate you!”

    (Note that the toy in question is big, enough so that the boy has to hold it with both hands. The man and the boy start struggling over it.)

    Man: “F***ing let go!”

    Boy: “NO!”

    (The man raises his fist and I quickly jump up to stop him. However, before I can, the boy kicks the man’s hand out the way and then kicks his legs out from under him, sending him crashing to the ground—all while still holding on to the toy.)

    Boy: “I’ll let you know what my sister thinks of the toy!”

    (The man quickly runs off, humiliated. It turns out the boy and I have the same karate instructor, and he was one grade behind me.)

    Pray She Doesn’t Order The Number Two

    | ON, Canada | Bad Behavior, Bizarre, Family & Kids, Health & Body

    (A woman and her two kids come in looking for the washrooms. An employee tells her that they are outside and around the corner, near the drive-through. She leaves to go find them.)

    Coworker: *to me* “Oh my God! Come see this!”

    Me: “Yeah?”

    (I walk over to the drive-through window and poke my head out. There, in the middle of the drive-through, is the woman holding one of her kids up horizontally as the child urinates on the drive-through in front of me while holding up several vehicles. She looks up and sees me, looks me straight in the eye the entire time, and finishes without a word.)

    Me: *to my coworkers* “I’m going for break.”

    Music Is Ageless

    | Toronto, ON, Canada | Family & Kids, School

    (I am a 21-year-old receptionist at a music school. One evening, there is a student waiting for his lesson in the reception area.)

    Me: “Hi there. How old are you?”

    Student: “8 years old. How old are you?”

    Me: *smiles* “How old do you think I am?”

    Student: “I dunno. You look really old.”

    *silence*

    Student: “Yeah, you look like you’re like, 17 or something.”

    Kids Will Send Any Parent To The Funny Pharm

    | Sacramento, CA, USA | Bad Behavior, Family & Kids, Health & Body

    (I am taking a refill order over the phone.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [pharmacy]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I need to refill a couple of prescriptions. This one I have the number for.”

    (She proceeds to give me the number, and while I am running the prescription through her insurance I hear some kids playing in the background.)

    Me: “Okay, so that one went through just fine. What is the next one?”

    Customer: “I don’t have the number, but can you look it up for me? It’s my birth control.”

    (I look in the customer’s file and sure enough it’s there. But while I am running it, the playing in the background has turned into a serious screaming and fighting match.)

    Customer: *embarrassed* “And this is why I am refilling the birth control. Can’t you tell?”


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