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    Category: Family & Kids

    It All Ends Swimmingly

    | USA | Family & Kids, Language & Words

    (I teach swim lessons to kids, aged 4-12. Many of the children have lisps or other slight speech impediments, and this particular child is very rambunctious and is pushing himself off the wall of the pool and moving quickly through the water.)

    Child: “I pee’d you!”

    Me: “Wait, what?”

    Child: “I PEE’D YOU!”

    Me: *fearing the worst* “What do you mean by you ‘pee’d’ me?”

    Child: “Look, I’ll do it again!”

    (He pushes off the wall and moves quickly through the water again.)

    Me: “Oh, you mean you torpedoed me!”

    Child: “Yeah! What did you think I meant?”

    Iron Chef

    | QC, Canada | Family & Kids, Geeks Rule

    (I’m working in a bookstore, storing cooking books. On top of the pile is Gwyneth Paltrow’s recipe book. A boy of around 10 walks by and stops next to me.)

    Boy: “Mom, look! Pepper Potts wrote a cookbook!”

    (Being a comics fan, he totally made my day!)

    A Good Idea On Paper

    | State College, PA, USA | Awesome Customers, Awesome Workers, Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Money

    (I have the opening shift at a well-known steak chain. It’s a weekday and typically pretty slow to start off. I get my first table: an older man and his grandson. I leave to get their drink orders, and come back to see the boy wearing origami boots on his fingers made out of $1 bills.)

    Me: “That’s some pretty fly kicks you got there. Did you make them yourself?”

    Boy: “My pap just made them for me! We’re learning about origami in art class, and he showed me how to make shoes so I can impress my teacher.”

    Man: “Don’t expect her to just hand out dollar bills so you can show everyone.” *chuckles*

    Boy: “Pap, show me another!”

    Man: “That’s the only one I know.”

    Me: “That’s a pretty neat trick! I need to learn how to do that when I give people their change. Hey, I know how to make a paper frog; want me to show you? It hops and everything. We used to race note card frogs in middle school.”

    (The boy gets wide-eyed and nods his head yes.)

    Man: “A frog you say? Let’s see it!”

    (The man pulls out another dollar from his wallet. I fashion it into a frog. It hops just enough to make the boy get really excited.)

    Boy: “No way! How did you do that?”

    (They are still my only table at this point, so I take the time to sit down, and teach the boy how to do that, who thinks it’s the coolest thing. They finish up their meals, pay their check, and leave the restaurant. I notice they tip me very well on their card. However, when I get back to clean up their table, there are 10 little boots sitting by the man’s plate made from various dollar bills along with a note.)

    Note: “We thought you needed some fly kicks, so here’s one for each finger.”

    (I unravel the bills to discover an additional $36. It was a great start to my shift!)

    Forever Unatoned

    | Richmond, VA, USA | Bad Behavior, Criminal/Illegal, Family & Kids, Themed Giveaway, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (Being close to a bad part of town, we’d often get unruly kids with nothing better to do than to hang out in our store. It is usually the same group of kids, and they always happen to break something during every visit. After breaking a football game display (by cleverly playing football with it), we issue a permanent ban. The following takes place within a year. The next day…)

    10-year-old Gang Leader: “Why won’t you let us in?”

    Manager: “You keep breaking our stuff.”

    10-year-old Gang Leader: “F*** you! I’ll break what I want!”

    Manager: “And that’s why we banned you. Leave. Now.”

    (A week later…)

    10-year-old Gang Leader: “Let us in! We’ll be good!”

    Manager: “Not happening.”

    10-year-old Gang Leader: “Fine, this place sucks! We’ll go to the other store, then you’ll be happy!”

    Manager: “Will you buy something from there?”

    10-year-old Gang Leader: “No.”

    Manager: “Then I don’t care where you go.”

    (A month later…)

    10-year-old Gang Leader: “Hey man, it’s been a month. We’ve learned our lesson. Let us in or we’ll tell our parents!”

    Manager: “We have enough video surveillance saved of you guys to press charges. You really want to let your parents know about this?”

    (They leave silently. A few months later…)

    10-year-old Gang Leader: “Hey, I’m not sure if you heard, but the manager unbanned us!”

    Me: *calling their bluff* “He’s in the back, let me check.”

    (He actually had the day off. The gang runs away. Finally, a year goes by, and we haven’t seen or heard from the kids at all. When they show up, my manager is about to kick them out, when I interject.)

    Me: “Listen, I think these kids got the message that we’re serious. They haven’t bothered asking to be let in for a whole year, and here they are, politely asking to be let back in. Let’s give them a second chance!”

    Manager: “Fine, but they’re your responsibility.”

    Me: *to the kids* “Alright guys, it’s been a whole year, and I’d like to think you learned your lesson. I convinced the manager to let you in, but do anything bad again, and it’s back to being banned. Deal?”

    10-year-old Gang Leader: “Deal.” *he then drops his pants and flashes a group of adults*

    Me: “BANNED FOREVER, AGAIN!”

    Making A Loud A-pee-l

    | Portland, OR, USA | Bad Behavior, Family & Kids, Health & Body, Wild & Unruly

    (We are a tiny restaurant that just so happens to be at the end of a large parade route. So, we often get lot of requests for a public restroom, which we do not have. One day, a customer comes running in holding his young daughter.)

    Customer: “Quick! Which way to your restroom?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but our restroom is for customers only.”

    Customer: “You son of a b****! My daughter needs to go now!”

    (At this point, his daughter becomes scared and starts peeing herself.)

    Customer: *to me* “LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID!”

    (The customer runs out, leaving a wet trail behind for me to mop up.)


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