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  • Category: Family & Kids

    Seen One, You’ve Seen A Mall

    | Washington, DC, USA | Extra Stupid, Family & Kids, History, Theme Of The Month

    (I live near DC, so I am used to hearing tourists and tour groups ask very stupid questions. A group of out-of-state high-school kids are walking near me between two museums.)

    Teenage Girl: “So… where are we right now, anyway?”

    Teenage Boy: “In DC.”

    Teenage Girl: “No, I mean, like, where in DC are we?”

    Teenage Boy: “Oh, we’re on the National Mall.”

    Teenage Girl: “Nuh-uh!”

    Teenage Boy: “Yeah we are. Look at your map, right here.”

    Teenage Girl: “No way! Are you SERIOUS?”

    Teenage Boy: “Yeeeah…”

    Teenage Girl: “That doesn’t make ANY sense!”

    Teenage Boy: *silence*

    Teenage Girl: “So, wait… you mean the National Mall isn’t, like, you know… an actual MALL?”

    Teenage Boy: “Nope, but all the grass is 20% off!”

    Acting Childish

    | NY, USA | Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Health & Body, Theme Of The Month, Top

    (It’s my first day working at a restaurant in town. I am a dishwasher, and am told to bring cups to the front because the waitresses are too busy. I pick up a tub filled with glasses, and open the kitchen door, which is right by the bathroom.)

    Small Child: “I’M COMING MOM!”

    (Suddenly I feel something small ram me in the middle of my back, and I topple to the floor, still holding the tub.)

    Small Child: “OH MY GOD, MY LEG!”

    Childs Parent: “OH MY GOD, WHAT DID YOU DO? YOU DELIBERATELY TRIED TO HURT MY SON! YOU MONSTER! I’LL HAVE YOU FIRED!”

    (The child and his parent seek out the owner. They go into a rant about how I tried to kill the small child, while I have finished limping back to the kitchen. Eventually, the owner comes into the kitchen and pulls me aside, barely able to keep a straight face.)

    Owner: “Look kid, I know it’s your first day, but you can’t go around trying to kill small children. I know they are a pain in the a**, but we usually go for crippling moves, not killing ones.”

    (The owner grins and walks away, before stopping for a moment and turning around.)

    Owner: “Oh, and [waitress] says you didn’t drop a single glass. Keep that up and you might stick around for a while.”

    Back To The Future

    | FL, USA | Bizarre, Family & Kids, Theme Of The Month

    (I work in a store based around ‘The Old West,’ where the salespeople wear clothing reminiscent of the era. Halfway through the shift, a boy and girl around eight years old run into the store and up to me.)

    Boy: *urgently* “What year is it?”

    Me: “What?”

    Girl: “What year is it??”

    (I wonder for a moment if this is a trick question, and if I’m supposed to answer according to ‘The Old West’ theme.)

    Me: “1826.”

    Boy: “Are you sure?”

    Me: *pulling out my old style pocket watch* “Pretty sure. Last time I checked it was 1826.”

    Boy: *distraught, to the girl* “It didn’t work!”

    Me: “Why? What answer were you expecting?”

    Girl: “Somewhere in the 4000s!”

    (They run out of the store and don’t come back.)

    Lunch Lady Is No Lady

    | MI, USA | Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests, Family & Kids, Theme Of The Month, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I am helping a customer who, with her six-year-old son, pick out stain for her deck. I am the only person in the paint department. Another customer comes up to my desk. I call for backup.)

    Me: *to Customer #2* “It should only be a few minutes wait.”

    (After about 30 more seconds, Customer #2 storms down the aisle to where I am still working with Customer #1.)

    Customer #2: *to Customer #1* “This isn’t personal shopper day! Other people need help; you need to get your s*** and leave!” *to me* “Get your a** on the phone and get someone over here to serve me, b****!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, he was with another customer. I’m sure he’ll be here soon.”

    Customer #2: *goes back to the desk to wait* “B****!”

    Me: *to Customer #1* “I’m sorry about that—”

    Customer #1′s Young Son: “It’s okay lady! She is my lunch lady, and she is mean to EVERYONE! Don’t listen to her; you’re doing great helping mommy!”

    The Bald And The Beautiful

    | Roseville, MI, USA | Bad Behavior, Family & Kids, Health & Body, Theme Of The Month, Top

    (I’m stocking food in one of the grocery aisles. At the opposite end of the aisle are two teenage boys and a pair of bald women customers. One of the customers has dark brown patches on her scalp and is wearing sunglasses. The other has clear skin, is wearing a nice dress and extravagant earrings. I’m a male with alopecia, so seeing young, balding people doesn’t really mystify me. The two teenage boys start to point and laugh at them.)

    Teenage Boy #1: “Man, these two d***’s think they look so good! Bald b**** trying to look girly; she’d look hot if she didn’t have a nasty man head!”

    Teenage Boy #2: “Look at the nasty spots on her head!”

    Teenage Boy #1: “Nasty spotty b**** with her nasty lesbian friend!”

    (Horrified, I start to storm over to stop this, when the customer with patchy skin whips around, mere inches from the teenage boy’s faces and speaks through gritted teeth.)

    Customer #1: “I have f****** cancer! Metastatic breast cancer. I probably don’t have very long to f****** live. These ‘nasty spots’ are lesions. My best friend shaved her head to support me. She’s the best support system you could f****** ask for, and if you two have a support system in making fun of two women whose lives you don’t even know, then I’m sorry for you. So, I’ll thank you to hold off on these comments in the future, just in case the people you’re berating are either dying or about to lose someone they love.”

    (The color leaves the boys faces, and they hang their heads low, while the women walk down the aisle toward me. Customer #2 turns back to them.)

    Customer #2: “Oh, and even if we were bald lesbians, you still had better keep your d*** mouths shut!”

    (As they walk past me, I tip my hat off to them to reveal my smooth, shiny head. The women high five me, and walk to the next aisle arm in arm.)

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