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  • Category: Family & Kids

    A Roll Rehearsal Before Bowel Reversal

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Health & Body, Hotels & Lodging

    (I’m working the front desk and checking in a guest.)

    Me: “…and here are your room keys. Your room is located on the third floor and will be on the right hand side of the elevator. If there’s absolutely anything you need just press zero on your phone and I’ll be sure to assist you. Enjoy your stay.”

    Guest: “Can I ask you for something now?”

    Me: “Of course, sir. Anything you need would be my pleasure to serve.”

    Guest: “Can I get five rolls of toilet paper?”

    Me: “The rooms come standard with two rolls. Would you like an additional three rolls to total the room out to five rolls, or would you like five additional rolls to total seven rolls?”

    Guest: “I would like the five additional rolls, please.”

    Me: “I can do that for you, but unfortunately there is a $1 fee per excess roll. Between you and me, if you wait until the morning, the housekeepers will change out your toilet paper anyway and you won’t have to pay for it.”

    Guest: “I need the five rolls tonight. I only bought this room because if I’m going to destroy a bathroom after my mother-in-law’s cooking, it ain’t gonna be my job to clean it up…”

    Sage Age Advice

    | USA | At The Checkout, Family & Kids, Health & Body

    (I’m head cashier in a craft store, and do all the returns. I have a couple come in with several bags and are rummaging through receipts. I start working through their transactions and find items that aren’t from my company and items without receipts.)

    Me: “I am sorry, ma’am, but I cannot process a return for these items.”

    Wife: “You should give me the money for these items anyway, because I have had a hard life! I have to take care of my mother and my four siblings!”

    Me: “I can understand that, but—”

    Wife: “What do you know about taking care of the elderly?”

    Me: “Since I was 12 I cared for my father with cancer, who died when I was 18. Then my uncle was diagnosed also with cancer. He passed away two days ago. Between that I have another uncle diagnosed and living with me. Previously, my grandmother who had Alzheimer’s also lived with me and passed last summer. I’m also taking care of my mother who has severe arthritis. I have 5 siblings and 20 cousins, but everyone is dropped on me with no care or help.”

    Wife: “I’m so sorry; I guess you do know what it’s like. Does it get better?”

    Me: “No, but bubble wrap helps.”

    This Customer Is Not From Concentrate

    , | UK | Extra Stupid, Family & Kids, Food & Drink

    (We have three flavours of slushy in our slushy machine: raspberry, cherry and orange. Raspberry is blue, cherry is pink and orange is obviously orange. Customers usually refer to the slushy they want by the colors.)

    Customer: “What flavour is the orange slushy?”

    Me: “Orange flavoured.”

    Customer: “I know what the color is, I want to know the FLAVOUR.”

    Me: “It’s orange flavoured, ma’am, just like the fruit.”

    (The customer suddenly starts screaming at me.)

    Woman: “WHAT IS THE FLAVOUR! I CAN SEE THE COLOR OF THE D*** THING! WHAT FLAVOUR IS IT?!”

    (The customer’s daughter chimes in.)

    Customer’s Daughter: “Mum! It’s like orange juice! Chill out!”

    Woman: “Orange juice? Jeez, why couldn’t she just tell me that?! Two of those, please!”

    (The customer is perfectly pleasant with me for the rest of the transaction, and wanders off with her slushy happily!)

    The Ten Doctors Versus The Ten Commandments, Part 2

    | Seattle, WA, USA | Family & Kids, Geeks Rule, Religion

    (I am queuing for my meal at a diner. I am a huge ‘Doctor Who’ fan. I am looking at an annual from the old series (1963 – 1989) when the customer behind me in the queue looks over at me.)

    Customer: “Hey! Why are you reading that bulls***?”

    Me: “It’s not bulls***.”

    Customer: “It is! That thing’s evil! It lies about how the universe was made! It says the universe has more than humans!”

    Me: *annoyed* “Look, if you want to be b****y, then push off.”

    (I see the customer leave, and I get my meal, thinking nothing more about it. Then the customer gets the seating next to me. I’m about to get away when she comes near, but she gestures to stop.)

    Customer: “Listen, I’m sorry I was like that. It’s just that I’ve had a bad history with the show.”

    Me: “What happened?”

    Customer: “How old are you?”

    Me: “20.”

    Customer: “When I was a few years younger than you, I watched that show like anything. I absolutely loved it. But my parents are members of [really religious group], and said it was against our belief. I kept telling them I didn’t care what they said; I liked the show and I know this sounds silly, but I loved The Doctor. He actually did look good then. But my mom threw the television out the window and shouted at me. So I get memories whenever I see it.”

    Me: “I am SO sorry! Listen, I’m really sorry I did that. If you want, I can give you the annual. You’ve missed out a LOT.”

    Customer: “I don’t know about anything that happened in the last 30 years on the show. My parents even told me I was being a stupid lovesick girl. Well, they’re in the old people home now, so I don’t care.”

    (I proceed to tell her most of what I know, and give her an address for a shop of old show memorabilia. I’m just happy someone can overcome their problems.)

    Related:
    The Ten Doctors Versus The Ten Commandments

    A Birthday Surprise

    | Provo, UT, USA | Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Food & Drink

    (I am serving a young couple, and it is the woman’s 29th birthday. One of our hosts, a large Polynesian man, loves to sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to people by himself.)

    Me: “Would you like a group of us to sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to you, or do you want that guy to sing to you?”

    Customer: “It’s okay; I’d rather not have anyone sing to me. By the way, has that table paid for their meal yet?”

    (The customer points at a table nearby, where a couple with their two young children are seated.)

    Me: “No, they haven’t.”

    Customer: “Okay, give this to them. Don’t tell them it’s from me.”

    (The customer hands me a $100 bill.)

    Me: “Wow, really? That’s really generous of you, and on your birthday!”

    Woman: “Yeah, I like to do something nice for someone on my birthday as a way to give back to the universe for all the crap I’ve done.”

    (We ended up giving her and her boyfriend free dessert. Her incredible generosity inspired me to try to do something like that on my birthday from now on. Sometimes humans are okay!)

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