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  • Always Time For A Rhyme
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  • Category: Family & Kids

    Hasn’t Read The Risks On The Web

    | Greenville, SC, USA | Family & Kids, Pets & Animals

    (Some friends and I volunteer for a local charity event at the zoo. We are in superhero costumes since the zoo is filled with daycare-age children that want to see their favorite superheroes. I am costumed as Spider-Man.)

    Mother: “Excuse me, Spider-Man? My son is a huge fan of yours!”

    (The mother points to a child covered in Spider-Man merchandise, from his hat to his shoes.)

    Me: “Well, hey. Always great to meet a fan! Does he want a picture?”

    Mother: “Well, actually, I was wondering if you could do me a favor.”

    Me: “Well, sure. What do you need?”

    Mother: “Well, my son really wants to go into the insect and arachnid enclosure, but I’m terrified of spiders. Would you be able to take him in there? He would trust you.”

    Me: “Ma’am, did you just ask me, a guy you don’t know, to take your child into a dark, enclosed room? You don’t even know what I look like under this mask.”

    (The mother gave me a deer-in-the-headlights look and then walked away. Surprisingly, she came back 10 minutes later and had her son get a picture with me!)

    Retired & Extremely Dangerous, Part 2

    | Birmingham, England, UK | Bad Behavior, Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Money, Top

    (My dad and I have just checked out at the supermarket. There are two elderly ladies pushing shopping carts in front of us. They are walking slowly towards the exit. Another customer is walking behind them with her son, who looks about 20. The son is obviously annoyed at the fact that he cannot get past the ladies walking so slowly. He speaks loud enough so that the whole shop can hear him.)

    Son: “God, these old people! Always getting in the way. They are useless. They should be locked up so they can’t get in normal people’s way.”

    (The son’s mum doesn’t say anything to him, but I can see that my dad is getting angry.)

    Son: “They don’t deserve pensions. Let them work until they drop! They probably retired when they were 45 and are leeching off the government.”

    (My dad taps the son on the shoulder.)

    Dad: “You’re making a scene and upsetting those ladies. Calm it down, would you?”

    Son: “They probably can’t even hear me. They’re all deaf anyway. Coffin dodgers! Why do you care if they even hear me?”

    Dad: “First, I’m 67 and have worked since I was 16 years old up until my retirement two weeks ago. Second, my parents taught me to respect my elders; something your mother obviously didn’t bother to do, considering I’m giving you the verbal battering she should be. And it’s not those women who should be locked up; it’s misinformed, loud idiots like you.”

    (By now the whole supermarket has stopped and is looking over at my dad.)

    Dad: “As for leeching off the government: I get a pension, the same as those ladies and thousands of other elderly people do and it’s just over the minimum wage. Sometimes I have to decide between heating my house and eating food! You wait until you get older and retire and see how it feels then to be treated like a second class citizen by obnoxious, mouthy trash!”

    (Throughout this whole thing the son has looked shocked. Finally his mother speaks up.)

    Mum: “You’re right, totally right. It shouldn’t take a stranger to tell my son his behaviour is terrible.” *to her son* “I am completely ashamed of you. You know nothing about hardship considering you are claiming unemployment money and living rent free in my house. Now apologise to those ladies and to this gentleman.”

    (The son says sorry, grudgingly, to all three.)

    Mum: “And you see all this food and those DVDs that you wanted and I paid for just now? Well, you won’t get one piece of it.”

    (The mum unloads all the food into the old ladies carts and gives the DVDs and a large piece of meat to my dad.)

    Mum: “I hope this goes some way to making you feel valued and appreciated.”

    (They walk out and the supermarket is silent for a moment. Then one of the old ladies starts to applaud and so does the rest of the customers and staff. The next time my dad went in to get his shopping they gave him £100 worth of coupons, and now all the staff know him.)

    Related:
    Retired & Extremely Dangerous

    Ah, Grandmothers, Part 3

    | Piscataway, NJ, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Family & Kids

    (My aunt works at a popular doughnut shop chain near my grandmother’s house. One evening, my older sister and her boyfriend, my little brother, and I decide to head there after an afternoon at a fair, while waiting for my mom to pick us up. A short while afterward, a couple of tough-guy type young men walk in, making rude comments, being loud, and generally making a nuisance of themselves. The leader of the group approaches the counter where my aunt is working.)

    Customer #1: “Yo, b****, gimme your number.”

    Aunt: “I don’t think so. Is there anything you’d like to order?”

    Customer #1: “How ’bout a piece of that a**?”

    Aunt: “Sorry, not on the menu. Now order something or please leave.You’re holding up the line.”

    Customer #2: “B****, we’ll leave when we wanna leave.”

    Customer #3: “Yeah, who’s gonna stop us, little old you?”

    Aunt: “No, little old [Manager]. Now, please, place your order or get out.”

    (The customer orders two cases of donuts, and throws his money to the ground.)

    Customer #1: “See what you did? Pick it up and hand it back to me!”

    Aunt: “Um, it’s on your side of the counter.”

    (The customer picks up his money and walks over behind the counter and throws it down again.)

    Customer #1: “Now pick it up, b****!”

    Aunt: “No. As a matter of fact, leave. I’m refusing service.”

    Customer #1: “Why, because I’m black?!”

    Aunt: “No, because you’re acting like an imperious a**hole, and you have been since you walked in. Now leave, or I’m calling the police.”

    (As luck would have it, a police officer stops inside the shop.)

    Me: “Wow, that was fast.”

    Customer #1: “Officer, this racist b**** was trying to kick me and my homies out. We ain’t even done nothin’!”

    Officer: “Really? Because what I saw was you throwing your money at this woman twice, in addition to walking behind the counter, which isn’t allowed for non-employees.”

    (The customer and his buddies start throwing a fit, yelling expletives, flipping everybody off, and generally acting unruly. Then they head outside and start throwing boxes around; the leader even takes off his shirt and tries goading everyone into a fight.)

    Customer #1: “COME ON, I’LL SHOW Y’ALL! I’LL BEAT Y’ALLS A**ES SO HARD! COME ON!”

    (He has another argument with the officer, but thankfully leaves with his buddies. However, he comes back a few minutes later accompanied not by his friends, but his grandmother.)

    Customer’s Grandmother: “So I understand y’all have a problem servin’ my grandbaby?”

    Customer: “Yeah, yeah, they were callin’ me all kinds of s***, and the girl over there was saying we were on food stamps!”

    Customer’s Grandmother: “…[Customer's Name], stand outside and wait while I talk to the officer here.”

    (The customer steps outside and my aunt explains everything that happened. After hearing it, the grandmother is incensed and walks outside.)

    Customer’s Grandmother: “YOU LITTLE PUNK-A**! GET YO’ A** IN THE CAR NOW! You dragged me outta my home for THIS?!”

    (As they drive off, my mom finally pulls in.)

    Mom: “So, what’d I miss?”

    Related:
    Ah, Grandmothers, Part 2
    Ah, Grandmothers
    Ah, Mothers
    Ah, Fathers
    Ah, Fathers, Part 2

    Daddy Doesn’t Brat An Eyelid

    | Southampton, England, UK | Bad Behavior, Family & Kids

    (While working at the cafe, I am wearing a cream-coloured top done up at the front with a ribbon. A father and daughter (who only looks to be around seven) sit next to the table I am cleaning.)

    Daughter: “Daddy! I want to be like her! So skinny!”

    (I’m a size 12, and the top is definitely showing what little curves I have.)

    Father: “Uh-huh…”

    Daughter: “But I hate that top! Such a horrid colour! Miss, why are you working with such a horrible top on?”

    Me: “Well, uh… I rather like this top. It keeps me cool in the warm weather.”

    (At this point, I go to take some plates in. When I come back to wipe the table down, the daughter has a ketchup bottle in her hand.)

    Daughter: “You know, I was thinking: that top would look better in red, miss. Let me change it for you!”

    Me: “I’d rather you didn’t!”

    (The daughter gets up with the ketchup in her hand, and eyes my top threateningly as I pull away from the table as quickly as I can.)

    Daughter: “But daddy ALWAYS lets me do what I want! You have to do so, too!”

    Me: “Erh… sir, please tell your daughter to calm down.”

    Father: “Don’t you DARE tell me how to raise my daughter. Some slutty waitress like you… I bet you have kids with no father in sight!”

    (Thankfully, my manager intervened at that point and escorted the father and daughter out!)

    The Engendered Confusion, Part 2

    | St. Paul, MN, USA | Bigotry, Family & Kids, Wild & Unruly

    (I’m in my hometown, babysitting my three-month-old nephew while my brother gets some much-needed sleep. I live on campus nearby, but because I look much younger than I am people tend to assume I’m still in high school. I’m picking up some groceries with my nephew when an older woman grabs my arm.)

    Older Woman: “You ought be be ashamed of yourself! How dare you!”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Older Woman: “Parading your little b*****d around like it’s no big deal to get pregnant and drop out!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I didn’t drop out. I—”

    Older Woman: “Don’t you lie to me, you stupid b****! I’ll have you thrown out of the store!”

    (My nephew begins to cry.)

    Older Woman: “See, look at what an incompetent mother you are! You’re just letting him cry without—”

    Me: “Listen, lady: I don’t know what your problem is, but making my nephew cry because you’re screaming at me is not okay. Even if he was my kid, do you really think it’s okay to yell at a stranger because they may or may not have made a choice you disagree with?”

    (As I say this, I can see the store manager, a close family friend, approach to see what the fuss is about.)

    Older Woman: “I can’t believe you! I’m going to get the manager and he’s going to teach you about respecting your elders, and maybe he’ll teach you to keep your legs closed!”

    Manager: “Don’t bother. You…” *points at her* “…get out of my store, NOW.”

    Older Woman: “I am a paying customer! You cannot—”

    Manager: “I can and I will, and unless you want the police to get involved, you’ll leave now.”

    Older Woman: “This little b****—”

    Manager: “—first of all, is a GUY, and second of all, is on the honor roll at [University], and third, is my son’s best friend and grandson’s babysitter.”

    (At this, the older woman turns red and leaves without buying anything. My nephew stops crying almost immediately.)

    Me: “Thanks, Mr. [Name].”

    Manager: “No problem, kiddo.” *grins* “It was kinda fun getting to yell at her. I’ve just got one question.”

    Me: “Yeah?”

    Manager: “Did she seriously think you were a teenage mother?”

    Me: *shrugs* “Some people…”

    Related:
    The Engendered Confusion

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