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Category: Family & Kids

Pray The Gay To Stay

| Melbourne, Australia | Family & Kids, Top

(We run a number of programs to help parents of children with special needs, so they can access services. We occasionally also give out parenting advice.)

Caller: “Can you tell me what makes someone gay?”

Me: “Sorry, can you repeat that?”

Caller: “Gay. What makes someone gay?”

Me: “Ma’am, if your child is gay, nothing ‘made’ them gay. And being gay is certainly not a disability.”

Caller: “Of course it’s not a disability! What kind of disgusting person thinks being gay is a disability?”

Me: “Then why do you want to know what makes someone gay?”

Caller: “I want to make my son gay. I would love to have a gay child. I’m very open minded!”

Me: “Ma’am, you can’t make someone gay. If your son is straight, you can’t change that.”

Caller: “Well, I see on the news all the time about how single parent families have gay kids. I am a single mother, but I still don’t think he’s gay.”

Me: “Um–”

Caller: “Should I show him pictures of gay men having sex?”

Me: *stunned* “Um…I doubt that’s a good idea. You would just confuse him, and possibly scare him. Can I ask how old your son is?”

Caller: “He’s three. I want him to be gay before he goes to school. So if gay porn would scare him, should I show him straight porn? I really really want a gay son.”

Me: “Ma’am, you cannot show a 3 year old porn of any kind! You can’t control your son’s sexuality!”

Caller: “You don’t understand. I’m very open minded! You must just be homophobic.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m gay!”

Caller: “Then why won’t you help me? Don’t you want my son to be gay? He’d be such a good gay man!”

It’s Funnier When The Parents Do It

| Buffalo, NY, USA | Family & Kids

(I work at a major gaming retailer. A customer walks in with her son and wants to trade games in for another game. I have a running joke I state to customers: when signing over games, I verify that they are their games and not games from some kids they beat up.)

Me: “Alright, ma’am. Please sign on the pad stating these are your games, that you are voluntarily selling them to us, and that you didn’t beat up some kid and leave him in a snow drift somewhere.”

(The customer’s 14 year old son cracks up laughing.)

Customer: “How can you say that?! That is a rude and despicable thing to accuse me of!”

Son: “Mom, he’s kidding!”

(The customers behind her start laughing as well.)

Customer: “Ah, okay. I’d like [game] in exchange, please.”

Annoying Pneumonia

| Maryland, USA | Family & Kids, Health & Body

(I am a nurse sitting with a mother whose son passed out during school. I am asking her some questions while he is examined.)

Me: “Has he complained of any discomfort or anything strange such as headaches, dizziness, nausea, fatigue, chest pains, muscle aches, difficulty breathing?”

Mother: “Well, he was complaining that his chest hurt. He’s also been breathing heavily lately and coughing a lot.”

Me: “When did this start?”

Mother: “Oh, I don’t know…five or six days ago?”

Me: “Your son has been complaining of chest pains and difficulty breathing for almost a week? Why didn’t you take him to the doctor?”

Mother: “I thought he was just trying to get attention. You know kids–they always want attention!”

Family Loosely Interpreted

| Newburgh, IN, USA | Family & Kids

(I work in the video game section of a large retail store. I overhear this couple talking about our selection of video games.)

Woman: “Why do they sell Grand Theft Auto? This is supposed to be a family friendly store!”

Husband: “They are family friendly. Some families just have teenagers that like to pretend to steal cars and punch people.”

Through Ickiness And In Health

| East Lansing, MI, USA | Family & Kids

(I answer a lot of calls from parents concerned about the living arrangements in our dorm rooms.)

Parent: “So, what’s the deal with co-ed floors?”

Me: “Well, most of our floors are co-ed by wing, but a few are co-ed by suite, where one suite is all boys, and next door is all girls. Your student will never have to share a room or bathroom with the opposite gender.”

Parent: “Why would anyone want to do that?”

Me: “Well, some people find that living with the opposite gender is fun.”

Parent: “Yeah, but I mean, boys are icky!”

Me: *speechless*

Parent: “Don’t get me wrong. I’ve lived with my husband for 20 years, but…eww!”

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