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    Category: Family & Kids

    Very Old Lang Syne

    | United Kingdom | Family & Kids

    (I work in a museum in Scotland, where I do activity sessions for young children. I am showing them some artifacts that were originally brought to Scotland by the Romans.)

    Me: “These were brought to Scotland around 2000 years ago by an invading army. Who do you think this could’ve been?”

    Child: “Hitler!”

    Me: “Well, it was a bit early for Hitler.”

    Child: “Robert Burns!”

    A Not So Pregnant Pause For Thought

    | United Kingdom | Family & Kids, Money

    Customer: “Can I have an adult and two students for [film]?”

    (The film is rated ‘15’, and the two children with her look like they might not be old enough.)

    Me: “Can I just ask your dates of birth?”

    First Child: “September 1995.”

    Second child: “Umm…”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t sell you the tickets as your son can’t give me a date of birth to confirm he is 15.”

    Customer: “Oh, for God’s sake! He was born in August 1995. They’re my children. I think I know how old they are! Now will you sell us the tickets!”

    Me: “Wait, they’re both your children?”

    Customer: *annoyed* “Yes!”

    Me: “And they were only born a month apart?”

    Customer: “Yes!”

    Me: “You have to be pregnant for nine months.”

    Customer: “Yes! So?”

    Customer: *realises*

    (The customer swears and walks off.)

    Honesty Is Not Always The Best Policy

    | Batesville, AR, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Family & Kids, Top

    Me: “Okay, your total is $123.42.”

    Customer: “Did you remember to add my discount?”

    Me: “What discount?”

    Customer: “My five finger discount.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “My five finger discount. My son comes in here all the time and says he gets a five finger discount.”

    Will Never Get Past The Conceptual Stage

    | Melbourne, Australia | Family & Kids, Health & Body

    (A customer comes to my register with prenatal vitamins and a book on conception.)

    Customer: "The tablets scanned at $32.50. They’re supposed to be $20!"

    Me: "Oh, I’m sorry. I’ll just get someone to check the price. Won’t be a moment."

    *checks*

    Me: "No, I’m sorry. $32.50 is the correct price."

    Customer: "$32.50 is way too expensive! I don’t want to conceive that much!"

    Kids Love To Wise-Crack

    | United Kingdom | Family & Kids

    (I give activity sessions for young children at a small museum in Scotland. During one of the sessions, the children have to guess what a mystery object is – in this case, some tobacco leaves.)

    Me: “So you’ve guessed it’s some leaves. Does anybody know what leaves these are? A clue is the smell.”

    (The children look nonplussed, understandably.)

    Me: “Well, it’s a good thing you don’t know what this is. You’re all a bit young to be allowed this. Any guesses?”

    Child: “CRACK!”

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