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    Category: Family & Kids

    The State Of The Union

    | Rome, GA, USA | Family & Kids

    (I work in a day spa that has several services, including massage. Two teenagers come in and ask about our couples massage.)

    Teenager #1: “Hi, can you tell us about the couples massage package?”

    Me: “Sure, it’s an hour massage with complimentary aromatherapy. It’s [price].”

    Teenager #2: “It’s for our parents’ anniversary, but I’m not sure they would want to spend an hour in a room together.”

    Me: “They are done in separate rooms.”

    Teenager #1: “Well, that sells it!”

    Pray The Gay To Stay

    | Melbourne, Australia | Family & Kids, Top

    (We run a number of programs to help parents of children with special needs, so they can access services. We occasionally also give out parenting advice.)

    Caller: “Can you tell me what makes someone gay?”

    Me: “Sorry, can you repeat that?”

    Caller: “Gay. What makes someone gay?”

    Me: “Ma’am, if your child is gay, nothing ‘made’ them gay. And being gay is certainly not a disability.”

    Caller: “Of course it’s not a disability! What kind of disgusting person thinks being gay is a disability?”

    Me: “Then why do you want to know what makes someone gay?”

    Caller: “I want to make my son gay. I would love to have a gay child. I’m very open minded!”

    Me: “Ma’am, you can’t make someone gay. If your son is straight, you can’t change that.”

    Caller: “Well, I see on the news all the time about how single parent families have gay kids. I am a single mother, but I still don’t think he’s gay.”

    Me: “Um–”

    Caller: “Should I show him pictures of gay men having sex?”

    Me: *stunned* “Um…I doubt that’s a good idea. You would just confuse him, and possibly scare him. Can I ask how old your son is?”

    Caller: “He’s three. I want him to be gay before he goes to school. So if gay porn would scare him, should I show him straight porn? I really really want a gay son.”

    Me: “Ma’am, you cannot show a 3 year old porn of any kind! You can’t control your son’s sexuality!”

    Caller: “You don’t understand. I’m very open minded! You must just be homophobic.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m gay!”

    Caller: “Then why won’t you help me? Don’t you want my son to be gay? He’d be such a good gay man!”

    It’s Funnier When The Parents Do It

    | Buffalo, NY, USA | Family & Kids

    (I work at a major gaming retailer. A customer walks in with her son and wants to trade games in for another game. I have a running joke I state to customers: when signing over games, I verify that they are their games and not games from some kids they beat up.)

    Me: “Alright, ma’am. Please sign on the pad stating these are your games, that you are voluntarily selling them to us, and that you didn’t beat up some kid and leave him in a snow drift somewhere.”

    (The customer’s 14 year old son cracks up laughing.)

    Customer: “How can you say that?! That is a rude and despicable thing to accuse me of!”

    Son: “Mom, he’s kidding!”

    (The customers behind her start laughing as well.)

    Customer: “Ah, okay. I’d like [game] in exchange, please.”

    Annoying Pneumonia

    | Maryland, USA | Family & Kids, Health & Body

    (I am a nurse sitting with a mother whose son passed out during school. I am asking her some questions while he is examined.)

    Me: “Has he complained of any discomfort or anything strange such as headaches, dizziness, nausea, fatigue, chest pains, muscle aches, difficulty breathing?”

    Mother: “Well, he was complaining that his chest hurt. He’s also been breathing heavily lately and coughing a lot.”

    Me: “When did this start?”

    Mother: “Oh, I don’t know…five or six days ago?”

    Me: “Your son has been complaining of chest pains and difficulty breathing for almost a week? Why didn’t you take him to the doctor?”

    Mother: “I thought he was just trying to get attention. You know kids–they always want attention!”

    Family Loosely Interpreted

    | Newburgh, IN, USA | Family & Kids

    (I work in the video game section of a large retail store. I overhear this couple talking about our selection of video games.)

    Woman: “Why do they sell Grand Theft Auto? This is supposed to be a family friendly store!”

    Husband: “They are family friendly. Some families just have teenagers that like to pretend to steal cars and punch people.”

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