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  • November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

    Category: Family & Kids

    Love Is Not Easily Provoked

    | Westchester, NY, USA | Bigotry, Family & Kids, Top

    (I’m gay. My boyfriend has come in to pick me up after work.)

    My Boyfriend: “Hey baby, ready to go?”

    Mother: “How dare you flaunt that in front of my child! Who do you think you are? How dare you!”

    Her Daughter: “But mommy! They’re in love!”

    They Have Trouble Written All Over Them

    | GA, USA | Family & Kids, Underaged

    (I own a tattoo parlor in a small section of the downtown area. I won’t tattoo anyone who is drunk, or even if I suspect they have been drinking. This takes place the day after I turned away someone who didn’t even look old enough to get a tattoo, let alone drink. They return with what appears to be a parent.)

    Young customer: “That’s the b**** who wouldn’t give me a tattoo last night!”

    Older customer: “Is that true?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Older customer: “Well, why the h*** not?”

    Me: “First, she had no ID. Secondly, she was drunk.”

    Older customer: “So what? There is no excuse for you not giving her a tattoo. Haven’t you heard that the customer is always right?!”

    Me: “We don’t tattoo drunk people. Also, if you have no ID, I can’t tattoo you.”

    Older customer: “That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard!”

    Me: “Well, I don’t know what to tell you then.”

    Young customer: “Here’s my ID now, d***!” *throws the ID at me*

    Me: Uh huh, so you’re sixteen, and you are who to this person exactly?”

    Older customer: “Her father!”

    Me: “Right. Well, I’m just going to go ahead and call the police.”

    Older customer: “Do that! I’ll have you arrested!”

    Me: “For what, exactly? Refusing to give your drunk underage daughter a tattoo? You do realize that her drinking is against the law, don’t you? If someone is getting arrested today, it won’t be me.”

    Older customer: “I’ll teach you! I’ll kick your a**!”

    (The older customer attempts to hit me, but I’ve been around long enough that I know how to defend myself. I quickly react in defense, knocking him onto his rear end, much to his shock.)

    Me: “This will go one of two ways. You can get the h*** out of my parlor, or I can throw you out of it. And if I ever see either one of you around here again, the police will be the least of your worries. Am I clear?”

    (The older customer grabs the younger one by the arm, and bolts. I haven’t seen them in the area since.)

    And The Children Shall (Eat) Lead

    | Scotland, UK | Family & Kids, Health & Body, Top

    (We stock painted mediaeval knight figurines. However, they have removable weapons and are painted with lead paint, so they’re all kept on a high shelf out of the reach of children. Just to be safe, there are signs next to the figures stating that they are not safe for children. One day, I see a small boy gnawing on a William Wallace figure’s head, so I rush over and snatch it off him.)

    Mother: “How dare you! That was very rude!”

    Me: “I’m very sorry, ma’am. It’s just that this is not a toy, and is painted with lead paint. It’s not safe for him to be playing with, and definitely not safe to chew.”

    Mother: “What?! It shouldn’t have been within his reach! What kind of death-trap store is this?!”

    Me: “I’m so, so sorry, ma’am. Another customer must have moved it. I ought to have spotted it sooner. ”

    (I’m feeling guilty, until the kid pipes up.)

    Kid: “Mommy, I was quiet! You said I could have it if I was quiet!”

    Me: “Ma’am, you didn’t give this to your child, did you?”

    Mother: “How was I supposed to know it was dangerous?”

    Me: “Ma’am, there are distinct signs all around the figurines.” *I point to the four signs posted around the figures* “Also, they’re kept well out of the reach of children for exactly that reason.”

    Mother: “I don’t have time to read f***ing signs! They shouldn’t have been in my reach either!”

    Me: “I agree completely, ma’am.”

    Let’s Hope He Doesn’t Still Jump On The Bed

    | TN, USA | Family & Kids, Liars & Scammers

    (I work in a call center doing reservations for a sizable hotel chain. Our system is set up to not only put in the number of adults but the number and age of children as well.)

    Me: “Okay, so how many adults and children will be in the room?”

    Caller: “Well, it depends what age you consider a child.”

    Me: “Well, I can put them in as a child, and if they’re too old, my system will adjust them to an adult automatically.”

    Caller: “Okay, then. Two adults and one child.”

    Me: “And the age of the child, please?”

    Caller: “43.”

    Why The Long Face

    | CA, USA | Family & Kids

    (A customer approaches me at the cash desk.)

    Customer: “You remind me of my daughter.”

    Me: “Oh, thank you.”

    Customer: “I call her Pony-Face!”