November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

Category: Family & Kids

Mama Puts A Stammer In Your Swagger

| OH, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Rude & Risque, Top

(I’m up working the cash register on a slow day, when a teenage boy comes up. He looks to be about 14. He’s sagging his pants, trying to look tough.)

Customer: “Hey, baby.”

Me: “Hi there, sir. How can I help you today?”

Customer: *leans on the counter* “You can get me your number.”

(I’m 25, and engaged.)

Me: “Sorry, but that’s not going to happen. Can I help you with anything else?”

Customer: “Why the f*** not, you stupid b****?!”

Me: “One: That would be illegal. Two: I am happily engaged. And three: even if I ignore the first two, it’s against company policy.”

Customer: “You’re a f***ing b****! You should be happy I want a piece of your a**!”

(As the customer continues ranting and raving, a woman appears behind him. She reaches out and taps his shoulder twice.)

Customer: “What the f*** do you want—”

(He turns around. All the color drains from his face. He manages to squeak out some words.)

Customer: “Hi, mama.”

(She smacks him across the face.)

Customer’s Mom: “I did not raise you to be a self-entitled douche-bag! I did not raise you to think you are better than this poor girl!” *she grabs him by the ear, and shoves him against the counter, facing me* “Now, apologize!”

Customer: “But mom!”

Customer’s Mom: “Now!”

(He looks close to tears. He mumbles out how sorry he is, and how it wasn’t fair of him to treat me like a piece of meat. His mom, by his ear, pushes him towards the door.)

Customer’s Mom: “Go.”

(He walks out of the store, ready to cry. She turns to me, gives me a huge smile, apologizes again, and even buys me a gift card. Apparently there are some good parents still out there!)

Be Thankful For Little Squirts

| USA | Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Top, Wild & Unruly

Rude customer: “What do you mean you don’t have any? I order those clams every time!”

Waitress: “I’m really sorry, but we had a problem with the order and delivery and don’t have any today.”

Rude customer: “Well, that’s not good enough. Order it right now. Get them from someone else if you have to.”

Waitress: “Sir, clam dishes are aren’t available today. I’m sorry for the inconvenience. Perhaps if I may I suggest another dish?”

Rude customer: “I don’t care. Get me my clams now!”

Waitress: “As I’ve already explained—”

Rude customer: “I want my clams!” *bangs table*

(Suddenly, a stream of water squirts on him.)

Rude customer: “What the f*** was that?!”

(At a nearby table sits a little boy with a water gun.)

Little boy: “Naughty, naughty, naughty!”

What A Touching Thing To Say

| Cardiff, Wales, UK | Family & Kids, Technology

(I work in a toy shop, so I often end up having conversations with kids while their parents go through the tills.)

Me: *scans an expensive toy* “Wow, is this for you?”

Little Girl: “Yes! It’s my birthday! And I got an iPod Touch, too!”

Me: “Wow! I didn’t get an iPod until I was 22.”

Little Girl: “Maybe your mum doesn’t love you.”

Needs A Stern Conversation With Her Son

| Medford, MA, USA | Family & Kids, Rude & Risque

(It is 1993. I am working the register when an elderly woman comes up to the counter.)

Customer: “Do you have that book, Body Parts?”

Me: “Hmm, I don’t know that one by name, but let’s see if we can find it. Who’s the author?”

Customer: “I don’t know. It’s that new story, Body PartsBody Parts.”

Me: “Hmm, okay, just give me one second to look it up so we can find it on the shelves. All our fiction is alphabetical by author.”

(I look it up in our primitive computer, and find an old book.)

Me: “Well, I don’t have that book here, but I can order it for you. It would take one to two weeks.”

Customer: “Why don’t you have it? My son says it’s a bestseller! You should have a lot of them! He saw it here and I want to get it for him for his birthday!”

Me: “Actually, it’s a few years old and we haven’t had it in the store for some time now. When’s his birthday? Maybe I can get it in time.”

Customer: “No, he saw it here yesterday! Body Parts! It’s a bestseller.”

Me: *flash of recognition* “Wait, a bestseller, right? Are you looking for Private Parts by Howard Stern?”

Customer: “That’s what I said! Private Parts! Private Parts!”

(The woman is now yelling the correct name of the book. Other customers turn to look and giggle.)

Me: “Of course, Private Parts. Sorry, I must have heard you wrong. Right this way.”

(I bring her to the best sellers rack and hand her a copy of the book. The cover has a photo of the disk jockey Howard Stern, naked, but holding a cloth over his private parts.)

Me: “Is this the book?”

Customer: *squints through her glasses at the book* “Oh! This is disgusting! Ugh! My no-good son’s gonna get it!”

(She drops the book on the floor and walks out in a huff.)

Real Superheroes Are In The Running

| Kissimiee, FL, USA | Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Geeks Rule

(I am part of a charity group that dresses up like superheroes. We are attending a 5k run to benefit a children’s charity, cheering on over 1000 runners. The guys dressed as Superman and the Flash agreed to run the first fifth of the race.)

Batgirl cosplayer: “There’s Superman!”

Superman cosplayer: “Hey guys. Lost Flash back there… so, we’re near the finish line?”

Me: “There’s the finish line.”

Superman cosplayer: “Nice!”

Route supervisor: “First runner coming!”

(We all start cheering and clapping, like we are supposed to.)

Superman cosplayer: “Oh, thank god it’s him!”

Me: “Huh?”

Superman cosplayer: “When Flash and I were lining up, a bunch of the ‘professional’ runners shoved us out of the way so we wouldn’t slow down their start. One of the runners told them to back off.”

(We all cheer loudly as we see the heroic runner cross the finish line for a first place finish.)

Superman cosplayer: “And here come some more ‘pros’. Wait, what the…”

(Running with the ‘professionals’ is a boy who looks about eight. As the event is about kids, we cheer him instead. He beats half of them!)

Me: “You go kiddo! You beat the Flash!”

(Both the first place finisher and the little boy came back to thank us for cheering them on. It was awesome!)