Category: Family & Kids

Taming The Feral Customers

| Bristol, England, UK | Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Pets & Animals, Top, Wild & Unruly

(I work in the Petting Corner are of the zoo, where twice a week we show the new arrivals and the young animals. Today, we have a young tiger cub who has not once attacked as he is quite tame. We have an experienced tiger handler, who is from another branch of our zoo. It’s mostly kids that come to pet the tiger, but some adults seem to love him too.)

Me: “…and here we have the young tiger cub, Jumanji, who comes here twice a week! Now, don’t be shy, he’s tame, and we have our experienced tiger handler Tom on hand! All of you who would like to pet him, please make a queue.”

(I turn to Tom, the tiger handler.)

Me: “Tom, can you hold him in your lap?”

(I move away to make preparations for the next part of Petting Corner. As I do this, a young man with his son pushes ahead, knocking over several young kids. A concerned mother speaks up.)

Mother: “Hey! How dare you! My son has been waiting in line and you barged in?!”

Man: “Shut the f*** up, you b****! Go on, son. Pet the tiger!”

Son: “Yay!” *starts jabbing the tiger in the ribs* “This tiger isn’t doing anything!”

Me: “Stop that! The tiger is getting angry! Don’t jab him!”

(At this point, I’m running to him to stop him, and Tom is trying to shield the tiger’s ribs from him. The tiger tries to scratch the brat, but nicks Tom slightly instead.)

Man: “This tiger isn’t tame at all! My son could have been scratched! I want compensation!”

Me: *angry* “You won’t get any! I demand you get out of this zoo, now!”

(I turn to the kids, trying to be calm as possible.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but the tiger will be back next week.”

Man: *screaming* “DON’T LISTEN! THE TIGER IS DANGEROUS!”

Mother: “Almost as dangerous as you!”

(Suddenly, the mother puts the man in a choke hold—yes, a choke hold—and pins him with the help of the other parents.)

Mother: “Call security!”

(Afterwards, the man was arrested and they were both banned for life. The people who helped got 12-month passes for their assistance!)

The Holy Twi-Light

| Norfolk, VA, USA | Family & Kids, Religion

(I am teaching a children’s Bible Study lesson on the sons of Isaac.)

Me: “So the first twin’s name was Esau, which means hairy. And his brother came out holding onto his heel, and his parents named him Jacob.”

Girl #1: “Like the werewolf in Twilight?”

Girl #2: “Why did they name him Jacob? Does it mean ‘holding heels’ or something?”

Me: “Uh… hold on.”

(I go to the back of the room to look in the Bible, and see if it mentions why they chose the name Jacob.)

Girl #1: “Jacob is like the name from Twilight!”

Me: “Please don’t mention that book around me.”

Girl #3: “Do you like Twilight, Miss [my name]?”

Me: “No, I do not!”

Girl #1: “Why not?”

(I open my mouth to answer, but…)

Boy: “Because it’s BAD!”

Yukon Not Steal It

| Strasbourg, France | Canada, Criminal/Illegal, Family & Kids, Language & Words, Tourists/Travel

(I’m Canadian, but I’m visiting my French cousin and helping him do some repairs on his cafe. While we’re working, a large family passes by, obviously lost. I’m wearing a shirt with a large Canadian flag on the back.)

Mother: “Excuse me! I’m sorry to bother you, but are you Canadian?”

Me: “Yes, I am.”

Mother: “Thank god! We’ve been lost for hours.”

(She shows me her map. Ultimately, I work out they’re trying to cross the border into Germany, but got lost trying to find out how to get there.)

Father: “Good thing the signs are all in French, or else we wouldn’t have managed to find our way around anywhere!”

Me: “Yeah, it sure makes things easier for Canadians, eh?”

(Suddenly, there’s a scuffle behind me. My cousin comes out dragging two of their sons behind him.)

Cousin: “They were trying to steal bottles of juice! I heard them planning it!”

Son #1: *to Son #2* “Well, how was I supposed to know they speak French here? They all sound so different!”

(Quebecois and French speakers do sound somewhat different, but angry mothers are universal!)

Related:
Yukon Call Them
Yukon See It On A Map, Part 3
Yukon Not Spend It
Yukon Not Believe This Juan

18 And Blunder, Part 2

| Bangor, ME, USA | Family & Kids, Rude & Risque, Top

(I work in a store that carries all kinds of DVDs, from G-rated all the way up to X and everything in-between. A boy, no older than 12, brings a soft-core pornography DVD up to my register.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t sell this to you.”

Boy: “Why not?!”

Me: “It’s inappropriate for someone of your age.”

Boy: “My mom said I could have it!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I still can’t sell it to you.”

(The boy storms out of the store.)

Co-worker: “Can you believe that?  Like his mom really said he could have that!”

Me: “I know. Either he’s lying, or his mom only said he could have it because she doesn’t know what it’s about.”

(Shortly thereafter the boy returns to the store with his mom. His mom stomps around the store, gets the DVD, and slams it down in front of me.)

Mom: “I can’t believe I had to get out of the car for this!  You should have just sold it to him! He told you that I said he could have it!”

Me: “I’m sorry for the inconvenience, but I can’t sell that video to anyone under the age of 18.”

Mom: “Why not? Discrimination?”

Me: “Not at all. It just contains things that most people feel is inappropriate for a child to see.”

(The mom picks up the DVD and examines it for the first time. She looks at the front and then starts reading the back. The more she reads, the wider her eyes get. All of a sudden she drops the DVD and starts spanking her son’s butt. She drags him out of the store by his arm.)

Boy: “But mom, you said I could have it!”

Mom: “I didn’t know what it was about! I’m so embarrassed! I can’t believe I almost bought you porn!”

Related:
18 And Blunder

Being The Bigger Man

| Edinburgh, Scotland, UK | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Top, Wild & Unruly

(I am standing in a line for a checkout at a supermarket, when I look over and see a family with two kids in another line. The kids are throwing stuff everywhere, tins, bottles, and jars. The cashier, a young girl, is frantically trying to calm them down. Note: I’m pretty big, about 6’3″ and broad, plus I have a black eye, cut nose and a cut across my lip from a sports match the day before.)

Cashier: *to kids* “Please stop throwing things. Someone’s going to get hurt.”

Father: “How dare you! You people just get off on telling other people what to do! You’re all just fascists, that’s what!”

Cashier: “Look, I’m not trying to tell you what to do, but your kids are going to end up hurting someone, and then it’ll be a big problem for all of us.”

Mother: “Are you threatening us?”

Cashier: *looking shocked and confused* “No! Not at all. I’m just saying that it would be best if you asked your children to stop before someone gets hurt.”

Father: “You’re still making threats! Either you stop with that right now or I swear to God I will give you a big problem! I’m going to make you sorry you were born, unless you shut the f*** up right now!”

(I catch the cashier’s eye, and she looks hopeless. I bend down, pick up a tin thrown by one of the kids and quietly move to just behind the parents.)

Me: “Excuse me.”

(They spin round. The father is not that tall, about 5’10”, so he’s pretty much looking me in the neck. I point at my black eye and battered face.)

Me: “One of your kids just hit me in the face. Is this a problem I should take up with you personally, or should I just call the police?”

(I’m looming over him now, very much invading his personal space.)

Father: “Oh, God, I’m sorry! I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

Me: “I would recommend you apologise to the nice lady who’s been putting up with you for the last 10 minutes without calling the police. It seems she’s had far more to deal with than me!”

Page 114/178First...112113114115116...Last