(I work in a museum in Scotland, where I do activity sessions for young children. I am showing them some artifacts that were originally brought to Scotland by the Romans.)
Me: “These were brought to Scotland around 2000 years ago by an invading army. Who do you think this could’ve been?”
Me: “Well, it was a bit early for Hitler.”
Child: “Robert Burns!”
Customer: “Can I have an adult and two students for [film]?”
(The film is rated ‘15’, and the two children with her look like they might not be old enough.)
Me: “Can I just ask your dates of birth?”
First Child: “September 1995.”
Second child: “Umm…”
Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t sell you the tickets as your son can’t give me a date of birth to confirm he is 15.”
Customer: “Oh, for God’s sake! He was born in August 1995. They’re my children. I think I know how old they are! Now will you sell us the tickets!”
Me: “Wait, they’re both your children?”
Customer: *annoyed* “Yes!”
Me: “And they were only born a month apart?”
Me: “You have to be pregnant for nine months.”
Customer: “Yes! So?”
(The customer swears and walks off.)
Me: “Okay, your total is $123.42.”
Customer: “Did you remember to add my discount?”
Me: “What discount?”
Customer: “My five finger discount.”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Customer: “My five finger discount. My son comes in here all the time and says he gets a five finger discount.”
(A customer comes to my register with prenatal vitamins and a book on conception.)
Customer: "The tablets scanned at $32.50. They’re supposed to be $20!"
Me: "Oh, I’m sorry. I’ll just get someone to check the price. Won’t be a moment."
Me: "No, I’m sorry. $32.50 is the correct price."
Customer: "$32.50 is way too expensive! I don’t want to conceive that much!"
(I give activity sessions for young children at a small museum in Scotland. During one of the sessions, the children have to guess what a mystery object is – in this case, some tobacco leaves.)
Me: “So you’ve guessed it’s some leaves. Does anybody know what leaves these are? A clue is the smell.”
(The children look nonplussed, understandably.)
Me: “Well, it’s a good thing you don’t know what this is. You’re all a bit young to be allowed this. Any guesses?”