July Theme Of The Month: Great Timing!

Category: Family & Kids

They Have Trouble Written All Over Them

| GA, USA | Family & Kids, Underaged

(I own a tattoo parlor in a small section of the downtown area. I won’t tattoo anyone who is drunk, or even if I suspect they have been drinking. This takes place the day after I turned away someone who didn’t even look old enough to get a tattoo, let alone drink. They return with what appears to be a parent.)

Young customer: “That’s the b**** who wouldn’t give me a tattoo last night!”

Older customer: “Is that true?”

Me: “Yes.”

Older customer: “Well, why the h*** not?”

Me: “First, she had no ID. Secondly, she was drunk.”

Older customer: “So what? There is no excuse for you not giving her a tattoo. Haven’t you heard that the customer is always right?!”

Me: “We don’t tattoo drunk people. Also, if you have no ID, I can’t tattoo you.”

Older customer: “That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard!”

Me: “Well, I don’t know what to tell you then.”

Young customer: “Here’s my ID now, d***!” *throws the ID at me*

Me: Uh huh, so you’re sixteen, and you are who to this person exactly?”

Older customer: “Her father!”

Me: “Right. Well, I’m just going to go ahead and call the police.”

Older customer: “Do that! I’ll have you arrested!”

Me: “For what, exactly? Refusing to give your drunk underage daughter a tattoo? You do realize that her drinking is against the law, don’t you? If someone is getting arrested today, it won’t be me.”

Older customer: “I’ll teach you! I’ll kick your a**!”

(The older customer attempts to hit me, but I’ve been around long enough that I know how to defend myself. I quickly react in defense, knocking him onto his rear end, much to his shock.)

Me: “This will go one of two ways. You can get the h*** out of my parlor, or I can throw you out of it. And if I ever see either one of you around here again, the police will be the least of your worries. Am I clear?”

(The older customer grabs the younger one by the arm, and bolts. I haven’t seen them in the area since.)

And The Children Shall (Eat) Lead

| Scotland, UK | Family & Kids, Health & Body, Top

(We stock painted mediaeval knight figurines. However, they have removable weapons and are painted with lead paint, so they’re all kept on a high shelf out of the reach of children. Just to be safe, there are signs next to the figures stating that they are not safe for children. One day, I see a small boy gnawing on a William Wallace figure’s head, so I rush over and snatch it off him.)

Mother: “How dare you! That was very rude!”

Me: “I’m very sorry, ma’am. It’s just that this is not a toy, and is painted with lead paint. It’s not safe for him to be playing with, and definitely not safe to chew.”

Mother: “What?! It shouldn’t have been within his reach! What kind of death-trap store is this?!”

Me: “I’m so, so sorry, ma’am. Another customer must have moved it. I ought to have spotted it sooner. ”

(I’m feeling guilty, until the kid pipes up.)

Kid: “Mommy, I was quiet! You said I could have it if I was quiet!”

Me: “Ma’am, you didn’t give this to your child, did you?”

Mother: “How was I supposed to know it was dangerous?”

Me: “Ma’am, there are distinct signs all around the figurines.” *I point to the four signs posted around the figures* “Also, they’re kept well out of the reach of children for exactly that reason.”

Mother: “I don’t have time to read f***ing signs! They shouldn’t have been in my reach either!”

Me: “I agree completely, ma’am.”

Let’s Hope He Doesn’t Still Jump On The Bed

| TN, USA | Family & Kids, Liars & Scammers

(I work in a call center doing reservations for a sizable hotel chain. Our system is set up to not only put in the number of adults but the number and age of children as well.)

Me: “Okay, so how many adults and children will be in the room?”

Caller: “Well, it depends what age you consider a child.”

Me: “Well, I can put them in as a child, and if they’re too old, my system will adjust them to an adult automatically.”

Caller: “Okay, then. Two adults and one child.”

Me: “And the age of the child, please?”

Caller: “43.”

Why The Long Face

| CA, USA | Family & Kids

(A customer approaches me at the cash desk.)

Customer: “You remind me of my daughter.”

Me: “Oh, thank you.”

Customer: “I call her Pony-Face!”

She Isn’t Playing Around

| MA, USA | At The Checkout, Family & Kids

(I’m ringing out an elderly customer while a coworker of mine greets new customers entering the building. I’m conversing with my customer when I hear a new customer’s daughter, about 6 years old, speaking loudly to my coworker.)

Little Girl: “No! No more toys! I have enough toys as it is! They’re all over my room and my living room!”

(She starts to list the various types of toys she has. The list goes on for quite some time.)

Little Girl: “…And that’s why I don’t need any more toys!”

My Customer: “Wow, you don’t hear that all that often!”

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