(A customer comes to my register with prenatal vitamins and a book on conception.)
Customer: "The tablets scanned at $32.50. They’re supposed to be $20!"
Me: "Oh, I’m sorry. I’ll just get someone to check the price. Won’t be a moment."
Me: "No, I’m sorry. $32.50 is the correct price."
Customer: "$32.50 is way too expensive! I don’t want to conceive that much!"
(I give activity sessions for young children at a small museum in Scotland. During one of the sessions, the children have to guess what a mystery object is – in this case, some tobacco leaves.)
Me: “So you’ve guessed it’s some leaves. Does anybody know what leaves these are? A clue is the smell.”
(The children look nonplussed, understandably.)
Me: “Well, it’s a good thing you don’t know what this is. You’re all a bit young to be allowed this. Any guesses?”
Me: “Thank you for calling [hospital]. How may I help you?”
Caller: “Yeah. I had a baby at your hospital about a week ago, and when I was discharged I got a lot of papers and some samples. One of the papers says something about a PKU test.”
Me: “Yes, ma’am. How can I help you with that?”
Caller: “Well, it says on this paper that I need to bring my ‘new arrival’ to registration and they would help me get the PKU test done. I want you to know that I have looked all through the papers and stuff you gave me and I can’t find anything marked ‘new arrival’. What is this ‘new arrival’ I am supposed to bring with me when I come in?”
Me: “Ma’am, that would be your infant child…your new baby.”
Caller: “Oh my freaking God! If you mean ‘new baby’, then write ‘new baby’! Not everyone understands this hospital medical jargon!”
Sadly Wasn’t Born Yesterday
(A woman walks into the store with her young daughter. Her daughter looks feverish and is sniffling.)
Customer: “Oh look honey, they have candy bars. Go get yourself one while mommy shops for her things.”
(The little girl walks up to the counter and takes a candy bar.)
Me: “Are you feeling okay, little girl?”
Daughter: “My mommy says as long as she gets her tampons, I’ll feel better.”
(The girl suddenly vomits all over the candy bars and on the counter.)
Daughter: “QUICK MOMMY! GET YOUR TAMPONS!”
Me: “Thank you for contacting technical support. How can I help you?”
Customer: *whispering* “Can you shut my internet off for four hours?”
Me: “I could disable the port, but may I ask why?”
Customer: *whispering* “My son has been locked in his room since last night and he won’t come out or talk to me. He hasn’t eaten breakfast yet and it’s 3 pm.”
Me: “I suppose I could, however, you will need to call us to re-enable your connection.”
Customer: “Thank you! I don’t know what he’s doing in there on the computer. It’s been like this since we got your internet.”
Me: “Your connection has been disabled. Is there anything else I can do for you tonight?”
Customer: “No, thank you. I hope he comes out soon!”