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    Category: Family & Kids

    Ill-Temper Your Expectations

    | Houston, TX, USA | Bizarre, Family & Kids

    (My mother needs a new cellphone plan, and I agree to tag along with her. Please note that my mom is in her mid 60s, five feet tall, and incredibly sweet and polite, especially to strangers.)

    Sales Rep: “Hi! How can I help you today?”

    Mom: “Hello! It seems I need to update my cell phone plan, if that’s not too much trouble.”

    Sales Rep: “Of course not. I’d be happy to assist you with that. *looks up my mom’s account* “Ah, okay, it looks like we no longer offer your original plan, so let’s go over your new options…”

    (Without warning, my mother mutates into a Nightmare Customer from Hades.)

    Mom: “I DON’T WANT A NEW PLAN! I LIKED THE OLD PLAN! WHY DON’T YOU OFFER IT ANYMORE?! THIS IS HORRIBLE SERVICE!”

    Sales Rep: *visibly startled* “I’m… I’m sorry, ma’am, but if you’ll take a look at our current plans, I’m sure we’ll find you a great deal on something that…”

    Mom: “Why are you doing this to me? Your company obviously doesn’t care about its customers! Fix this situation immediately, or I’m taking my business elsewhere!”

    (At this point, everyone in the store is staring at us, and the sales rep looks like she may start crying.)

    Me: “Mother, what is wrong with you?! Why are you acting like this?”

    Mom: *suddenly herself again* “Oh dear, nothing’s wrong at all! But if a store has a policy you don’t like, what you do is get really mean with the salespeople and take out your aggression on them. Then the salespeople call their corporate headquarters to inform the CEO that a customer is unhappy, and the policy gets changed!”

    (She smiles brightly. The store is silent as both customers and employees attempt to process her logic.)

    Me: *to the sales rep* “We’ll take this plan right here, and I’ll explain everything else to her in the car…”

    Lions And Tigers And Big Box Stores, Oh My

    | North Georgia Mountains, USA | Family & Kids, Pets & Animals, School

    (I’m a tour guide for a private college in the North Georgia mountains in a town of 9,000 people. It’s not the biggest city, but it’s the biggest within about 50 miles. A married couple from Atlanta comes to visit the college.)

    Man: *nervously* “How do people typically adjust to living in the middle of nowhere?” 

    Me: “I actually think it’s peaceful here in the mountains, and I’ve never heard anyone say they miss the traffic.”

    (At this point, the couple sees a small green spider on the roof of the golf cart and literally jumps out of the stopped vehicle.)

    Me: “Aw, he won’t hurt y’all.”

    (The man hesitates three times before finally squishing the spider with his handkerchief. He cautiously climbs back in.)

    Woman: “Do you have any… mountain lions here?”

    Me: *in an exaggerated southern drawl* “Ain’t seen many mountain lions ’round these parts, far as I reckon.”

    Man: “What about bears?”

    Woman: “Panthers?”

    Me: “I’m pretty sure the most we have up here is foxes and coyotes.”

    (The woman gasps like she might have a heart attack while the man’s eyes get very wide. I do my best to assure them that these animals are harmless to humans and that they will likely never see on on campus, and continue with the tour.)

    Woman: “How far is civilization from here?”

    Me: “Well, the city is the county seat, and there’s lots to do and see downtown, and plenty of options for shopping and dining.” 

    Man: “Is there a Walmart anywhere near here?”

    Me: “About a 10 minute drive.”

    Couple: *in unison* “HALLELUJAH! CIVILIZATION!”

    Holy Smoky Mountains, Batman

    | St. Louis, MO, USA | Family & Kids

    (I’m working the register of a small toy store when a family walks in with a two-year-old boy in a stroller and his older brother (who’s about eight) walking alongside it. They walk past our new “Dark Knight Rises” merchandise.)

    2-year-old Brother: *holds his arms out* “I WANNA BE BATMAN! I WANNA BE BATMAN!”

    Me: *smiling* “We all want to be Batman.”

    8-year-old Brother: “Batman’s real where I come from!”

    Me: “Oh, are you from Gotham City?”

    8-year-old Brother: “No, Tennessee!”

    All That Glitters Is Not Old

    | Florida, USA | Family & Kids, Top

    (I’m working at a face painting booth at a local park. A gentleman in his 60s comes up with two small girls. They decide to get painted and hop into the chairs.)

    Me: “Sir, the designs they chose both come with optional glitter and lipstick. Is that okay?”

    Gentleman: “Absolutely, go all out! Glitter, lips, the works. Maybe this’ll teach Grandma not to leave the kids alone with Pop-Pop!”

    Burning Ears But No Drowning Fears

    | Lexington, KY, USA | Family & Kids

    (A little girl starts to drown in the kiddie section of the pool and the lifeguard jumps in to save her. The mother of the child pays no attention while she’s sunbathing.)

    Lifeguard: *calmly* “Ma’am, your daughter was just drowning.”

    Mother: “Ugh, I told my other children to keep an eye out for her. Fine, give her to me!”

    Lifeguard: “Just try to be a little more careful, okay?”

    (Incredibly, the mother proceeds to yell at the little girl for drowning and then yells at her other small children for not watching her. The lifeguard sits back down in her chair. A random person who has seen everything walks by.)

    Random Person: “What happened? Is she okay?”

    Lifeguard: “Yeah, the mom just wasn’t paying attention.”

    Mother: *on the other side of the pool* “DON’T SAY I WASN’T PAYING ATTENTION!”

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