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    Category: Underaged

    Everyone at one time has tried to sneak into a movie or bought a drink they’re too young for. However; when stupid customers make this attempt the results can be both hilarious and pitying. And this is before alcohol has destroyed their brain cell(s)!

    Top Shelf Morals, Bottom Shelf Attitude

    | Medford, MA, USA | Awesome Customers, Rude & Risque, Underaged

    (I am stocking magazines at a bookstore when two young boys reach high up on the shelves and grab adult magazines. They hunch over and open the magazines to gawk at the photos.)

    Me: “Excuse me, are you guys 18 or over?”

    Boy #1: “Why, what’s it to you?”

    Me: “It’s my job, actually. If you’re not 18, you can’t even touch those. Would you put that magazine back, please?”

    Boy #2: “I’m 18.”

    (Boy #2 is obviously about 12 or 13 from his height and appearance.)

    Me: “Really? What year were you born?”

    Boy #2: “None of your business!”

    Me: “Okay, both of you put those magazines back, right now.”

    Boy #1: “I’m 18, too.”

    (Just then, a young mother carrying a baby and a diaper bag approaches the counter a few feet away.)

    Young Mother: *to cashier* “Can I ask you for a certain book?”

    Cashier: “Sure, what are you looking for?”

    Young Mother: “It’s called ‘How to Raise a Moral Child‘.”

    (Boy #1 and Boy #2 burst out laughing, catching the attention of the young mother, who looks over disapprovingly. The boys laugh and turn away from her, now facing me.)

    Me: *arms crossed, leaning in* “How about now?”

    (They stop laughing abruptly, put the magazines back on the nearest shelf, and slink out.)

    I’ve Got That Drinking Feeling

    | Brisbane, QLD, Australia | At The Checkout, Awesome Workers, Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink, Underaged, Wild & Unruly

    (I’m standing in line at the counter, when an obviously drunk and under-aged boy wanders in. The cashier behind the counter is onto him like a shot.)

    Cashier: “Excuse me there, champ. Have you got some ID on you?”

    Drunk teen: “No, I don’t. Why?”

    Cashier: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave my shop then, champ. Right now, please.”

    Drunk teen: “What, just because I have no ID?”

    Cashier: “Among other things, yes. You can’t prove you’re 18, and you’re clearly drunk, which means you’re not legally allowed to be in this store. Please don’t be difficult; just leave.”

    (The drunk teen makes his way to the exit peacefully, but once past the front door decides to act up.)

    Drunk teen: “Well, f*** you! F*** you and get f***ed! I’ll f***ing be here if I want to f***ing be here!” *flips both middle fingers at the cashier*

    (The cashier, who is far taller and broader than he appears while he’s behind the counter, moves into the doorway to prevent the teen re-entering.)

    Cashier: *very calmly* “No, you won’t. Now you’re becoming both an annoyance and a disturbance. You’d better get out of here quick smart, before something happens that you’ll regret later.”

    Drunk teen: “F*** you! I’m gonna bash you man! I’m gonna beat your face!”

    Cashier: *cracks up laughing* “Champ, I doubt you could even beat yourself off at this point.” *takes a step outside the shop* “Please though, take a swing. Give me the excuse.”

    (At this point it apparently dawns on the teen that’s he’s in way over his head and his attempt at intimidation has failed miserably. The cashier seems quite willing to make an example of him.)

    Drunk teen: “Uh… uh… I’m… I’m gonna hurt you man!”

    Cashier: *icily, dangerously calm* “No. You’re going to apologise to the customers for annoying them, you’re going to apologise to me for annoying me, and then you’re going to leave, very quickly, before I put my size 14s so far up your arse your kids are born with tread-marks on their faces, so help me God.”

    (The drunk teen starts to stammer out something, but is interrupted.)

    Cashier: *in a very convincing and menacing Bale-Batman voice* “Get the f*** out of here. Now!”

    (The teen flees at his top speed, bumping into and tripping over everything in his path. We all give the cashier a huge round of applause, and an elderly couple high-fived him!)

    They Have Trouble Written All Over Them

    | GA, USA | Family & Kids, Underaged

    (I own a tattoo parlor in a small section of the downtown area. I won’t tattoo anyone who is drunk, or even if I suspect they have been drinking. This takes place the day after I turned away someone who didn’t even look old enough to get a tattoo, let alone drink. They return with what appears to be a parent.)

    Young customer: “That’s the b**** who wouldn’t give me a tattoo last night!”

    Older customer: “Is that true?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Older customer: “Well, why the h*** not?”

    Me: “First, she had no ID. Secondly, she was drunk.”

    Older customer: “So what? There is no excuse for you not giving her a tattoo. Haven’t you heard that the customer is always right?!”

    Me: “We don’t tattoo drunk people. Also, if you have no ID, I can’t tattoo you.”

    Older customer: “That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard!”

    Me: “Well, I don’t know what to tell you then.”

    Young customer: “Here’s my ID now, d***!” *throws the ID at me*

    Me: Uh huh, so you’re sixteen, and you are who to this person exactly?”

    Older customer: “Her father!”

    Me: “Right. Well, I’m just going to go ahead and call the police.”

    Older customer: “Do that! I’ll have you arrested!”

    Me: “For what, exactly? Refusing to give your drunk underage daughter a tattoo? You do realize that her drinking is against the law, don’t you? If someone is getting arrested today, it won’t be me.”

    Older customer: “I’ll teach you! I’ll kick your a**!”

    (The older customer attempts to hit me, but I’ve been around long enough that I know how to defend myself. I quickly react in defense, knocking him onto his rear end, much to his shock.)

    Me: “This will go one of two ways. You can get the h*** out of my parlor, or I can throw you out of it. And if I ever see either one of you around here again, the police will be the least of your worries. Am I clear?”

    (The older customer grabs the younger one by the arm, and bolts. I haven’t seen them in the area since.)

    Their Purchasing Power Has Gone Up In Smoke

    | Emporia, KS, USA | Top, Underaged

    (I work in a convenience store across the street from a university. A car load of four kids pull up to the store.)

    Customer #1: “I want a pack of cigarettes.”

    Me: “Can I see your ID, please?”

    Customer #1: *angry* “I’m 18, I don’t need to show you my f***ing ID.”

    Me: “Sir, if you don’t obviously look old enough, I have to ask.”

    Customer #1: “I don’t have my ID!”

    Customer #2: “It’s okay, dude. I’ll buy them for you.”

    Me: “No, you won’t, sir. Since I know you are buying for him, and he doesn’t have ID, I can’t sell to you.”

    Customer #2: “Bulls***! Give me the f***ing smokes!”

    Me: “Sorry, no.”

    Customer #3: “Fine, I have my ID. I’ll buy for everyone.”

    Me: “Now I can’t sell to you, sir.”

    (An argument ensues at which point, I keep telling them that if I know that I am selling to someone who is buying for a person who doesn’t have his ID, I cannot by law sell them cigarettes. Finally all four leave, get into their car and move their car to the parking place on the side of the building. The fourth customer gets out, comes up to the counter and asks for four packs of cigarettes. Now, I know he is buying for his friends, but if he doesn’t admit this, I can sell him the smokes without any problems.)

    Me: “Are you buying for the customers that were just in here?”

    Customer #4: “Yes.”

    Me: “I can’t sell to you either. Have a good night.”

    (About an hour later, the police show up at the store. They inform me that they received an anonymous call claiming I was handing out baggies of white powder.)

    Being Ageless Gets Old

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada | Spouses & Partners, Top, Underaged

    (A customer comes to my till with a video game. This particular game is for ages 17 and up, but the customer looks no older than 14 or 15.)

    Me: “Sir, this game is rated M. Are you over 17 years of age?”

    Customer: *sighs* “Alright, hang on. I’ll be back in a minute.”

    (The customer leaves the store. Later, he comes back with an older woman, who I assume is his mother.)

    Woman: “Honey, which game is it that you wanted?”

    Customer: “This one.”

    (The customer comes back to my till once more, holding the game he was trying to purchase, with the older woman in tow.)

    Me: “Ma’am, just so you know, this game is rated M, so it’s normally meant for people ages 17 and up.”

    Woman: “Oh, that won’t be a problem.”

    Me: “Just to double-check with you, ma’am, this game’s contents can be pretty violent, so it may not be appropriate for your son.”

    Woman: *chuckles* “Oh, he’s not my son.”

    Me: “I apologize. But once again, it might not be appropriate for your…nephew? Little brother? Cousin?”

    Woman: “He’s none of those, silly! He’s my husband!”

    Me: “Whaaaaaaaa?”

    (The customer then pulls out his driver’s license, which I carefully examine. According to his date of birth, he’s 33 years old.)

    Me: “Okay, so you had ID. Why didn’t you just show me that?”

    Customer: “Look at how short and baby-faced I am! If I showed you my ID from the beginning, you would probably think it was fake!”

    Me: “Fair enough, you got me there. I mean no disrespect by this, but I did think you were about 14.”

    Customer: “Yeah, looking like this is both a blessing and a curse. I even quit drinking because it’s too much of a hassle to buy beer!”

    (The customer pays for his game and leaves, while his wife is tries to stifle her laughter.)


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