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    Category: Criminal/Illegal

    Will Drive You To Despair

    | Tacoma, WA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid

    (As an airman I am ‘volunteered’ to help with managing traffic and marshaling cars to their parking spots. While the traffic of cars is stalled I noticed a woman talking on her phone while driving. This was a few months after it became illegal to talk on your phone while driving in Washington. I walk up to her car to ask her to get off her phone while she parked as we already had multiple collisions that day.)

    Woman: *finally off the phone* “My boyfriend just told me that I need photo ID to get into the air show!”

    Me: “Ma’am, you need photo ID to be allowed to drive.”

    Hard Of Earring

    | Basingstoke, England, UK | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal

    (I work in a high-end high street women’s clothing store. We also sell accessories. Like most UK stores, we do not accept returns on earrings for any reasons, bar them being defective. We’ve just entered the mid-season sale period, where a lot of our jewellery is now 70% off. A fair amount of customers are returning and rebuying items to get the discounted price.)

    Customer: “I want to return this set of earrings and rebuy them.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. Store policy says we’re not allowed to accept returns on any earrings, unless they’re defective. Even though you’re wanting to rebuy them, I cannot process the return.”

    Customer: “I WANT TO RETURN THEM!”

    Me: “I’m sorry; I’m not allowed to do that.”

    Customer: “Yes, you are! You’re just saying that because you don’t want to give me the sale price!”

    Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way, and I assure you we do allow returning and rebuying. We just can’t accept returns on earrings unless they defective in some way.”

    Customer: “I want to talk to someone else!”

    (I get my assistant manager, who comes over and relays what I’ve just told the customer.)

    Assistant Manager: “I’m sorry, we can’t accept the return on them unless they’re defective.”

    (The customer drops the earrings on the floor, then stomps on them. She picks them up and puts them on the counter.)

    Customer: “I want to return these. They’re defective.”

    Assistant Manager: “We don’t accept returns on items that have been damaged purposely by customers.”

    Customer: “You have no proof I broke them. It’s your words against mine, and the customer is ALWAYS right!”

    Assistant Manager: “This may be true in most circumstances. Here, we have CCTV showing you damaged them yourself. I’m sorry. We cannot accept returns on them. Is there anything else you’d like me to help with today?”

    Customer: “MY EARRINGS ARE BROKEN! What am I gonna do with broken earrings?!”

    Me: “Would you like me to dispose of them?”

    (The customer glared at my assistant manager and me, then stormed out.)

    Bagged Himself A Steal

    | Baltimore, MD, USA | Awesome Customers, Criminal/Illegal, Wild & Unruly

    (I work as a cart attendant at a popular retail store. It is a rather slow day and my coworker and I are getting ready to go get more carts when I hear our undercover security guard yelling.)

    Undercover Guard: “[Security Guard], stop this guy! He stole an iPod!”

    (The security guard heads the guy off at the front but the shoplifter pulls a knife.)

    Shoplifter: “Let me by or I’ll cut the s*** out of you!”

    (Due to company policy, the security guard has to let him pass due to safety reasons. The shoplifter tries to run out the entrance while a rather elderly looking man is entering. The elderly man then proceeds to clothesline the thief, jump on top of him, punch him in the face, and disarm him. The elderly man stands up.)

    Elderly Man: “I got him!”

    (All four of us are astonished at what has just happened. As the security guard hauls the shoplifter into the security office to await the police my fellow cart attendant and I start talking to the old man.)

    Coworker: “That was the coolest thing I’ve seen all year!”

    Me: “Yeah, where did you learn to do that!?”

    Elderly Man: “Oh, that was nothing! I learned how to do that from my DI in basic years ago!”

    (It turns out he was a Marine veteran who fought through WWII, the Korean War, and Vietnam! Needless to say the man was made an honorary employee and given the employee discount for life!)

    In Soviet Russia, Accent Speaks You

    | Bronx, NY, USA | Awesome Customers, Criminal/Illegal, Language & Words

    (The phone rings.)

    Cashier: “Hello, [Name] Pizza… Oh, f***, not again.”

    (She hangs up. A few customers come and go, and the phone rings again.)

    Cashier: “Hello, [Name] Piz— f*** this!”

    Customer: “Hey, lady, problem with the phone?”

    Cashier: “Some sicko keeps calling from a blocked number and making creepy comments.”

    Customer: “Hang on. I gotta go find my friend.”

    (He pays and leaves… and comes back with a 6’8″ NYPD cop.)

    Cop: *with a minor Russian accent* “I hear you’re having a problem with a caller?”

    Customer: “No, no. Do the accent! Make it f***in’ scary!”

    Cop: *in a deeper voice with a thick accent* “Excuse me. I hear you have problem with caller?”

    (The cashier explains. The cop orders a slice of pizza and he and his friend sit and chat for a few minutes. Then the phone rings.)

    Cashier: “It’s a blocked number!”

    Cop: *on the phone, with the accent* “Hello…. You are thinking my body is what? I am thinking your body probably very fragile. Very easy to— Oh, he hung up.”

    (They stare at the phone a few minutes.)

    Customer: “Problem solved?”

    Cashier: *to customer* “So… is your buddy there single?”

    Cop: *in accent* “Boris have many women. All are love him!”

    Customer: “You’re married and your name isn’t Boris!”

    Cop: “Boris is name of accent. Has life of its own.”

    Vacation Crime

    | ME, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Criminal/Illegal, Liars & Scammers, Technology

    (I work for a computer repair shop which gets a lot of work orders from a big company because we’re nearby and are known for how fast we repair units. We also use receipts for orders that are being picked up by others.)

    Customer: “Hey, I’m here to pick up a computer for [Supervisor].”

    Me: “Do you have the repair receipt for their computer?”

    Customer: “No, just use my ID.” *shows me work ID*

    Me: “Unfortunately, sir, I’m not allowed to give you any computer without a receipt due to security reasons.”

    Customer: *suddenly very angry* “Look! I’m an executive at [Big Company]. I can pick up as many computer orders as I want! Just shut up and do your **** job and give me [Supervisor]‘s computer!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. But regardless of who you are, I cannot give you any computer without a receipt.”

    (The door jingle goes off, meaning another customer has come into the shop.)

    Customer: “That’s it! I’m gonna have your a** fired, you incompetent f***! I’ve never been treated so rudely!”

    Me: “Well, I hate to repeat myself but again, we’re not allo—”.”

    (At this point I notice a police officer and security guard from [Big Company] standing behind the man.)

    Customer: *practically yelling at this point* “What?! Not allowed to give me [Supervisor]‘s computer?! Well, I’ll –”

    Police Officer: “Mr. [Customer]. You’re under arrest for attempted robbery.”

    (The customer turns around to see the two men, and makes a break for the door only to be tackled in seconds and taken away by the police officer.)

    Security Guard: “Can you believe that guy? He quit and threatened to steal [Supervisor]‘s computer all because he didn’t get the vacation time he wanted.”

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