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    Category: Criminal/Illegal

    Sunglass And Hit Station

    | USA | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal

    Me: “Hey there, what can I get you?”

    Woman: “Oh, I’ll have [Lottery Game] and two packs of [Cigarettes].”

    (As I get her items and ring them in, I notice her staring intently at some sunglasses that a regular had left behind.)

    Woman: “Those sunglasses are so cute. What’s the deal with them?”

    Me: “Oh, another customer left them behind. We’re keeping them up front in case she comes back today.”

    Woman: “What if she doesn’t come back?”

    Me: “Then it gets moved to the lost and found.”

    Woman: “What if she never comes back for them?”

    Me: “Uh, well, I think [Store Owner] either throws lost items away after a period of time or donates them.”

    Woman: “So they’re just gonna get thrown away?”

    Me: “Not necessarily. Most people who leave stuff behind come back for them, and this woman is in here all the time, so I’m sure—”

    Woman: “I want them.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Woman: “I want those sunglasses.”

    Me: “Well, I’m sorry, but I can’t give them to you. However, we have many styles of sunglasses on display just around the corner from the desk, so if you’d like—”

    Woman: “No. I want those ones.”

    Me: “Ma’am, they belong to someone else.”

    Woman: “Well, what if I said that they’re my sunglasses and I forgot them?”

    Me: “Okay, except we just had a conversation about how they’re NOT yours and how the person who DOES own them left them behind. So, no, you can’t have them.”

    Woman: “But I don’t understand why I can’t have them.”

    (This circular argument goes on for a while. Eventually my manager comes over because he’s noticed a three-item transaction has gone on for almost five minutes.)

    Manager: “Is there something wrong, ma’am?”

    Woman: “Yes, this little girl won’t give me my sunglasses.”

    Manager: *looks at me* “[My Name]?”

    Me: “Well, they’re not her sunglasses. [Regular] was here earlier and left them at register one.”

    Woman: “No, she wasn’t. She didn’t! They’re mine!”

    Me: “Ma’am, you just all but told me these aren’t your sunglasses and I saw

    [Regular] set them down on register one when she was here earlier.”

    Woman: *shrilly* “No! They’re mine!”

    (She suddenly lunges forward and throws herself across the counter, trying to reach the sunglasses. My manager pushes me behind him and snatches the woman’s arm.)

    Manager: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but you have to leave! You can’t assault the employees or steal from other customers.”

    Woman: “I’m not stealing! They’re mine! THEY’RE MINE!”

    (My manager had to forcibly remove her from the store. The true owner of the sunglasses came in the next morning and my manager regaled the story to her. She just laughed and told him to tell me she was sorry I had to go through that. All that fuss over a pair of $5 sunglasses!)

    Giving You A (Prison) Break

    | San Francisco, CA, USA | Awesome Customers, Bad Behavior, Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink

    Customer #1: “Thank God, this line is taking forever.”

    (There is no line at all, although the tables are mostly occupied.)

    Me: “Sorry about the wait, sir. May I take your order?”

    (The customer proceeds to rattle off a long, confusing, and often contradictory order, including such things as a meatless ham sandwich.)

    Me: “Sir, I’m a little confused by your order. Do you mean—”

    Customer #1: “—oh for God’s sake, I have to repeat myself now? Weren’t you paying attention the first time?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I don’t want to get anything wrong. You made a big order, and—”

    Customer #1: *sighs* “I’ll repeat myself, but just this once. I hate dealing with lazy ignorant dropouts like you.”

    (He repeats his order, but I understand it even less because I am trying not to cry. He finishes speaking and snaps his fingers at me.)

    Customer #1: “Hello?! Punch it in, you dumb b****. I haven’t got all day, and—”

    (Suddenly one of the other customers; a strongly-built man who has been quietly sitting at a nearby table, roars and leaps to his feet, flipping the table and spilling his coffee in the process.)

    Customer #2: “GOD-D*** IT! ONE DAY OUT OF PRISON, AND ALREADY I HAVE TO MURDER AN IDIOT IN A COFFEE STORE!”

    (The rude customer shrieks and flees from the store. I and the remaining customers stare at the man, who quietly picks up the table and comes over to the counter.)

    Customer #2: “I’ll pay for any damage. If you could show me where the mops are, I’ll take care of the mess too.”

    Me: “I-I-I, um…”

    Customer #2: “Don’t worry about it, sweetheart. There’s always gonna be an a** like that around.”

    Me: “Uh, you, um…”

    Customer #2: “Oh, the prison thing?” *laughs* “Never been in jail in my life. So, anyway, where’s that mop?”

    Drug Test: Scoring A Big Fat ‘D’

    | St. Louis, MO, USA | Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal, Rude & Risque

    (I am doing to pre-closing activities when a young man runs up, puts his hands on the checkout desk, and leans toward me in a panic.)

    Customer: *under his breath* “Where do you keep the penises?”

    Me: “I must have misheard you, sir. The what?”

    Customer: *still mumbling, looking around* “You know what I’m talking about. The penises.”

    Me: “I… know what those are. I’m not sure why you would think we’d carry them.”

    Customer: *getting agitated* “Not, like, real ones. You know, they come in… like… black, and white, and Asian.”

    Me: “Wait, you’re looking for a fake penis?”

    Customer: *relieved that he’s gotten through to me* “Yeah, like, so you can fill it with urine. From someone else. For a thing. Where are they?”

    Me: *now realizing this is one of our many ‘help me pass a drug test’ customers* “We don’t carry anything to help you pass a drug test, or perform any other illegal activity. I can’t sell you ANYTHING now. Store policy. Please leave.”

    Customer: “Who said anything about a drug test?”

    Me: “Sir, for what legitimate purpose could you be filling a fake penis with someone else’s urine?”

    (The customer struggled for a moment, looked around, and left.)

    Fits The Bill Of A Criminal

    | England, UK | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal, Holidays, Liars & Scammers, Money, Theme Of The Month

    (A couple of years back I worked as a Christmas temp at a major supermarket during a year off from university course. It is in the middle of a very busy shift.)

    Customer: *walks up to checkout with two very expensive electrical items*

    Me: “Hello, sir.” *scans items* “That will be £380 please.”

    Customer: *hands me a wad of £20 notes*

    Me: “Thank you very much.”

    (I start to count money out in front of him while also checking each note for authenticity.)

    Customer: *suddenly aggressive* “What are you doing?”

    Me: “I have to check that this is the correct amount of money and it is our policy to ensure that all notes are genuine. I do the same for all notes I get handed.”

    Customer: *grabs notes and starts to count them out in front of me quickly*

    Me: “Sir, I need to count the money myself so I can check each note.”

    Customer: “I am not a criminal!”

    Me: *getting suspicious* “I am not saying you are, sir. I am only doing my job as thoroughly as I can. Sometimes fake notes can be picked up by accident and the person who has them is not aware they are fake. But if I were to allow one into the till it could be passed to another customer and at that point the shop would have committed a criminal offence and could be held liable. I need to check the notes.”

    (I pick up the notes and start to check them again.)

    Customer: “I AM NOT A CRIMINAL!”

    (The manager comes over at the noise.)

    Me: “Please calm down, sir!”

    Manager: “[My Name], what is going on?!”

    Me: “This gentleman is not allowing me to check and count his money.”

    Manager: “Please calm down, sir, or we will have to call security.”

    Customer: *screaming at the top of his lungs* “I AM NOT A CRIMINAL! WHY ARE YOU TREATING ME LIKE THIS?! I WILL F****** SLIT YOUR THROAT, YOU F****** B****!”

    (Security came running over and the customer was restrained. When we checked his money all but £100 of it was fake. The police were called.)

    Customers Of Substance

    | Tallahassee, FL, USA | Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal

    (I clean up the table after a group of boys leave. I look on the floor and see a bag of illegal substance. I give it to the manager and she calls the police. After the police leave, one of the boys comes back in and walks to their same table trying to find something.)

    Me: *to customer* “It’s not there anymore.”

    Customer: “Yeah, can I have that back?”

    Me: “Sir, I gave it to the police.”

    Customer: “So, I can’t have it back?”

    Me: “No.”

    Customer: “Well, it’s not mine anyway. It’s my friend’s.”

    Me: “You came back to claim something illegal that’s not even yours…”

    Customer: “Yeah…”

    Me: “You should probably leave before the police come back.”

    (My coworkers and I couldn’t stop laughing about it all night! Silly college students!)

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