(A well-dressed, middle-aged man comes up to me with a friendly smile.)

Customer: “Excuse me, I’m sorry to be a bother. Could I possibly get change from you?”

Me: “Okay, come up to the till. I’ll help you out.”

Customer: “Thank you so much.”

(He hands me three €20 note.)

Customer: “If I could get a €50 note and a €10 note out of this, it’d be really helpful.”

(I take the three €20 notes, and hand him back the change.)

Customer: “Thanks. Sorry, but could I ask one more favor? Could I just get two €1 coins for this?”

(He hands me a €2 coin. I am feeling slightly suspicious now. I turn back to the till, take out the two one-euro coins, and hand them to the man. He doesn’t move.)

Me: “Is there something else?”

Customer: “You never gave me the €50 note.”

Me: “I’m pretty sure I did.”

Customer: “No, you definitely didn’t.”

Me: “Sir, I’m not giving you any more money. If you would like, you can come back during closing. If we’re €50 over the end of day report, I will be happy to rectify my mistake. However, I’m absolutely positive I did not make one.”

Customer: “Are you, really? This is ridiculous. You did not give me the money!”

Me: “I think I did.”

Customer: “You couldn’t have made a mistake? How are you so sure?”

Me: “Because the corner of the €50 note I gave you is sticking out of your sleeve.”

(Turns out he had done it to all the other shops on the street, and successfully conned two.)

(We get reports from various companies for copyright infringement. When we do, the customer gets a note on their account. We call them, letting them know they’ve been caught and request that they stop. I had called this customer a week before and they informed me that they had an unprotected wireless point that they would secure. They have another notification, so I call them back.)

Me: “Hello, this is [company name] again. We spoke last week.”

Customer: “I remember; we’ve replaced the router and added a password to our wifi as of last weekend. It should be fixed.”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but we got another infringement notice yesterday.”

Customer: “How is that possible?”

Me: “I’m not sure; maybe you’re downloading something you don’t—”

Customer: “We don’t download anything here!”

Me: “I understand sir, but maybe we should check out the notice and see what is being downloaded?”

Customer: “Okay, sure. But I’m telling you, I’m not downloading anything illegal.”

Me: *pulls up the notice* “Umm… sir. It says here the content in question is rather… adult in nature.”

Customer: “What?”

(I read off the long, clearly niche pornographic title. I earn some looks from my co-workers.)

Customer: “I am a good Christian father! I would never risk my marriage or my faith for pornography, especially not that perverted stuff. I can’t believe you’d accuse me of being a freak like that!”

Me: “Sir, you said ‘father’. You wouldn’t by chance happen to have a son, would you?”

Customer: “…yes.”

Me: “He… wouldn’t by chance happen to have his own computer in his room, would he?”

Customer: “Not anymore, thank you.”

Entering is as easy as 1-2-3:

1. Submit a funny or interesting story about customers doing something criminal or illegal—and, if they were caught, how they were punished.
2. Enter your email address in the form to qualify.
3. All posted stories will be entered in a drawing to win a free t-shirt gift certificate, to use in the official Not Always Right shop!

PS: Congratulations to a lucky reader for winning February Themed Story Giveaway, which featured stories about Awesome Customers. The winning submission: Fresh Bread, Stale Attitude (1,756 thumbs up).

PS #2: winners will be announced the first Wednesday of every month. Next free t-shirt gift certificate: Wednesday, April 3!

(We usually work in pairs because of the neighborhood, but my coworker is running late. A couple of regulars of mine find out and decide that they’d hang out until he showed up. I’m female. We are chatting when a very obviously inebriated man comes stumbling into the store and up to the counter. He reeks of urine and has a gun in his hand, which he lays on the counter.)

Drunk Customer: “Gimme [brand name cigarettes].”

Me: *trying not to look at his gun* “Long or short?”

Drunk Customer: “Short.”

Me: “Okay.”

(I hand him his cigs, and he fumbles with his wallet, still holding the gun. He tosses me some money, grabs the pack of cigarettes and stumbles out without waiting for his change. I take a deep breath, pick up the phone and dial 911.)

Me: “Um, yeah, there’s a drunk man with a gun wandering around [name of street]. You might want to pick him up.”

(After I hang up, one of my regulars, who’d backed up slowly into the aisles during this exchange, comes up to me.)

Regular: “D***, you’ve got balls of steel!”

(I am an owner of a hookah smoking lounge near a college campus. A group of three underage-looking young people comes in and tries to purchase a smoking session.)

Me: “Okay guys, can I see your IDs?”

Customer #1: “We don’t have IDs. We don’t need ‘em!”

Me: “Sorry, but you don’t look over 40, so I have to ask.”

(Customers #2 and #3 pull out their ID cards, and even though they look young, they’re over 18. I let them complete the purchase, but the other customer still refuses to show ID.)

Customer #1: “I’m with them. I’ll use their ID.”

Me: “I’m sorry, it doesn’t work like that. Since you refuse to show me ID, I have to refuse you service. Your friends may stay, since they showed ID. Have a nice day. Please leave.”

(As I have been processing their order, a rush of customers have come in and I think I see Customer #1 leave. As I take an order to another group, I see Customer #1 sitting with his friends. I walk up to them.)

Me: “I thought I told you to leave.”

Customer #1: “What are you going to do, call the police?”

(I pull out a badge out of my pocket, since I am also a reserve deputy sheriff on my days off.)

Me: “No need, I’m already here. Now stand up. We’re going to the back.”

(I didn’t bother with filing charges on him, but I did call his parents who were very angry. In fact, I found out his father was a city police officer himself!)