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    Category: Criminal/Illegal

    Telling Porkies About The Chicken

    | Kansas City, MO, USA | Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers

    (I work in the meat department of a grocery store. A customer brings back a package of chicken to be exchanged. She does not have her receipt so I need to ensure we actually carry the chicken and also make sure I get the weight correct on her exchange. The chicken is wrapped in tin foil and then again in a plastic shopping bag. You could smell a faint odor when you get near it but as I deal with spoiled meat occasionally, it isn’t a big deal.)

    Customer: “I bought this yesterday and it’s spoiled. I just want to exchange it for the same thing.”

    Me: “That’s no problem, ma’am. Just let me get the brand and the size for you and I’ll get it.”

    Customer: “Oh, I really don’t think you want to open that dear. It’s pretty bad.”

    Me: “Be that as it may, I have to open it.”

    (Upon opening the initial plastic we discover the tin foil it’s wrapped in. The customer service associate next to me gags and runs from the room. The smell actually makes my throat burn. Nevertheless I have to open it. It’s wrapped in four layers of tin foil and 2 layers of plastic wrap. When I release the last layer of tin foil and can actually see the chicken, it actually makes a ‘burp’ sound as the gas is released. The chicken is green, like pea soup color. I cannot read the label, for all the slime, to see when the expiration date was.)

    Customer: “See, I told you! It’s awful! Wrap it back up, for goodness sake!”

    Me: “Ma’am, when did you say you bought this package?”

    Customer: “Yesterday morning. I was going to cook it for supper last night.”

    Me: “And it looked like that when you bought it?”

    Customer: “No, of course not. Who would buy chicken that looked like that!”

    Me: “I’m going to have to get my manager.”

    (My manager comes over and opens the chicken very briefly. He asks the same questions and gets the same answers.)

    Manager: “Ma’am, it’s 104 degrees outside. Did you, by chance, buy this a few days ago and leave it in your car?”

    Customer: ” Absolutely not! I bought it yesterday and I want another package of chicken! Now hurry up. I have things to do.”

    Manager: “I’m sorry; I can’t exchange this. There is no way this went bad in your refrigerator overnight. In fact, I think you could have left it on your counter and it wouldn’t smell this bad.”

    (After arguing about it for another 20 minutes the customer picked up the package and threw it on the ground. It exploded green chicken slime which landed on the computers and registers nearby, and all over me, my manager, and the customers waiting in line, including a small child. Two customers actually vomited. I was forced to clean the mess. The real sting in the tale is that the customer with the child sued the store and won a $20,000 settlement.)

    Their Team Aren’t On A (Tootsie) Roll

    | NC, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink

    (I’m volunteering at a college basketball game. A fellow volunteer and I are tasked with checking bags at the pre-game party for donors to an alumni organization. Many of the people attending this party are older and attend every single game, so they know the drill. Bags are searched to prevent people from bringing in alcohol or outside food.)

    Me: “Hello. Can I check your bag?”

    Customer: “Sure, hon.” *she holds her purse open for me*

    Me: “Could you pull that out for me, please?”

    (I indicate what looks to be a ziplock bag, as it is underneath a few of her items and I cannot see what is in it.)

    Customer: “Alrighty.”

    (The customer pulls out the bag, which I can now see contains several Tootsie Rolls.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to leave that here. We don’t allow any outside food.”

    Customer: “But I have to bring them in! It’s tradition!”

    Me: “I apologize, but you have to leave them here.”

    Customer: “You don’t understand! I’m bringing them for my friend. He passes them out every time at halftime to make sure [Home Team] wins!”

    Me: “Sorry, but I can’t let you take them in. It’s the stadium’s policy.”

    Customer: “Well, then, if [Home Team] loses it’ll be all your fault!”

    Me: *doing my very best to remain serious* “I guess I’ll have to take that risk.”

    (Her team did lose. The group I volunteer with jokingly threatened to make me apologize to the players.)

    A Bona-Fido Law

    | Orem, UT, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Pets & Animals, Wild & Unruly

    (I stop by the store on my way to work. A customer is causing quite a scene, while a manager is trying to deal with her.)

    Customer: “I won’t leave my dog outside! Do you know how cold it is out there? What about cruelty to animals!?”

    Manager: “I’m sorry, ma’am. You should have left him at home. He cannot come in the store.”

    Customer: “Leave him alone? That’s even more cruel!”

    (At that point, I’d about had it, as had several other people. I, however, had recently been researching the city’s laws and ordinances regarding animals.)

    Me: “Excuse me. But did you know, as per city ordinance, article 5-3, it is ‘unlawful for any person to take or permit any dog, whether loose or on a leash or in arms, in or about any establishment or place of business where food or food products are sold or displayed, including… grocery stores?’ The only exceptions are seeing-eye dogs, hearing dogs, and dogs owned by government agencies. As your dog obviously does not meet any of those qualifications, what you are attempting to do is illegal. Do I really need to call the police, or will you leave and take your dog with you?”

    Customer: “Well, I never!” *she storms out, dog in arms*

    Manager: “Thank you, ma’am.”

    Me: “No trouble. What a moron. I don’t even have a cell phone.”

    Serving Justice One Slice At A Time

    | Victorville, CA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink

    (I take gunsmithing classes. I also deliver pizza as a job and volunteer as a Police Explorer. One night a customer who lives in the projects sees me in uniform.)

    Customer: “You deliver pizza!”

    Me: “Yes, I do.”

    Customer: “Well, you never saw any of that stuff at my place!”

    Me: “What stuff?”

    Customer: “Exactly! You never saw it!”

    (Too bad I never remembered his address. Might have been able to get a warrant to find out what stuff he didn’t have there.)

    Putting The Scent Into Ascents

    , | Edmonton, AB, Canada | Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid, Tourists/Travel

    (The x-ray operator sends me to search for an oversized liquid in a passenger’s carry on. She does the search required and finds an unopened bottle of 185 ml perfume.)

    Coworker: “Unfortunately, ma’am, this liquid is over the size limit and cannot go past this point.”

    Passenger: “That is not a liquid.”

    Coworker: “What is it, then?”

    Passenger: “It’s a scent.”


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