October Theme Of The Month: Halloween!

Category: Criminal/Illegal

Your Card Is A Smoking Gun

| OK, USA | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal

(I am a cashier at a local convenience store. Normally, I am very sweet and friendly, but today I am having a bad day. Not only did I have a full truck of inventory to check in and put away, but I also have three sections of the store to reset. A man comes in in the midst of the chaos and grabs a few bags of chips, some sandwiches, and several sodas. He goes to the register clearly marked as closed, moves all of my paperwork over, and continues to talk on his cell phone. I smile anyway, taking all of his items and moving them to the open register.)

Me: “Can I get you anything else?”

Customer: *silence*

(I ring up all of his food and place it neatly in bags.)

Me: “That’ll be $12.36.”

(The customer reaches into his pocket and pulls out a food stamp card. It looks as if it has been melted. Half is missing.)

Customer: “It won’t read, so you have to punch in the numbers. The first ones are-”

Me: “Sir, I’m sorry, but I cannot legally accept damaged cards.”

Customer: “They do it all the time at the other store.”

(When I refuse again, he becomes visibly upset.)

Customer: “Fine, just give me some smokes.”

(It is store policy to ask anyone who looks under 40 for their state ID when buying tobacco or alcohol. It must be not be damaged or expired.)

Customer: *hands me the id*

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but your ID expired in 2011. Do you have another?”

Customer: “THIS IS F****** RIDICULOUS! I’LL JUST GO SOMEWHERE ELSE!” *storming towards the door* “I’m thirty-f******-two years old and—”

Me: “Than act like it, sir. Your tobacco is not worth my job.” *smiling as sweetly as ever* “Have a nice day, sir. Stay safe today.”

A Well-Trained Conductor

| Liverpool, England, UK | Awesome Workers, Criminal/Illegal, Transportation

(I am a passenger travelling on the train when the conductor comes down to check tickets. A passenger in front of me purchases a ticket to the next stop. The train carries on and finally arrives at the next stop of the journey and the conductor notices the passenger is still on board with no intention of moving so approaches the passenger.)

Conductor: “This is your stop.”

Passenger: “No, it’s not.”

Conductor: “You asked for a ticket to the next stop. This is it.”

Passenger: “Well I meant [station several stops away].”

Conductor: “Okay, that’ll be [price].”

Passenger: “Nah, mate.”

Conductor: “You either buy a ticket or get off the train.”

Passenger: “You think I’m soft? I travel this train all the time and never buy a ticket.”

Conductor: “Well, with that information you can either get off this train now or wait here for the police to show up, delaying all of these other passengers.”

(The passenger refuses and the back and forth goes on for a while with customers getting agitated at the passenger. After a few minutes, the conductor goes to the back on the train and makes an announcement.)

Conductor: *over announcement system* “Apologies for the delay of this service. This is due to a lowlife passenger attempting to travel on this service without a valid ticket, who apparently thinks you’re all mugs for buying one.”

(With this, the train erupted into laughter and the passenger quickly got up and ran off the train, avoiding eye contact with everyone. The train then left the station only a few minutes later than planned.)

A Winning Counter-Threat

| USA | Bad Behavior, Criminal/Illegal, Family & Kids

(We have a client who frequently calls and threatens to send her father to our firm because her case isn’t resolved, in spite of us telling her repeatedly that she has to wait for the final hearing which has been scheduled. Her father also repeatedly threatens us as well. I’ve finally had enough with this phone call.)

Client’s Father: “If you don’t file a [name of motion] by TODAY, I’m going to come down there personally, and we’ll see what happens!”

Me: “Good. I’ve been looking for a reason to call the police.”

Client’s Father: “What? You can’t do that! Attorney-client privilege!”

Me: “See, here’s the thing Mr. [Name]: you are NOT the client. Furthermore, I’m the paralegal. I don’t get paid enough to deal with your threats. If I quit, the attorney has no one to deal with your abuse. If you come in and threaten me, I have every right to fear for my safety and take actions to ensure I am safe.”

Client’s Father: “WHY YOU B****! I’LL TEACH YOU—”

Me: *interrupting him* “FURTHERMORE, your daughter is in the middle of a custody battle with her ex being represented by one of the loudest attorneys in town. How do you think a criminal charge will affect her case?”


Me: “Likewise. Show up at the office and I’ll call the police, and you’ll lose your case. If you have a problem, take it up with the attorney. I’m not dealing with you anymore.”

Client’s Father: “HOW DARE YOU!” *I hang up mid-sentence*

(He never did come in to threaten me… and he never did complain either!)

Enough Bong For Your Buck

, | Selkirk, MB, Canada | Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid

(I am working in the drive-thru section of our store. My coworker is taking the order as the customer is at the speaker box.)

Coworker: “Thank you for choosing [Restaurant]. [Coworker] speaking. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I’ll take a glass of bong water!”

Coworker: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Haha, just give me a cup of water.”

Coworker: “Okay… anything else?”

Customer: “Nope.”

Coworker: “Okay, please drive to the window.”

(At the window…)

Coworker: *gives customer the cup of water*

(The customer drives into the parking lot.)

Coworker: *to me* “That guy had a bong right on his lap. He and his buddies in the car are seriously about to go do drugs in the parking lot.”

Me: “I’m astounded at how stupid they are. Let’s call the police.”

(We called the police, and they came within a few minutes. They searched the car and drove the impaired guys home. We don’t know any details about how they were charged. When my coworker was taking out the garbage, he overheard the guy complaining because he would have to go get more drugs now.)

A Speedy Resolution

| VA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Transportation

(Working at a used car lot, I receive the following phone call:)

Customer: “I bought a car from you guys, and it has a vibration at 80 miles per hour, can you tell me what’s causing that?”

Me: “What is the vehicle in question sir?”

Customer: “A 2004 [Car].”

Me: “Sir, a slight vibration at high speed is normal in an 11 year old vehicle. Nothing is ‘causing’ it.”

Customer: “You don’t understand. I just want to know what’s causing the vibration in my car at 75, 80 miles per hour.”

Me: “Sir, is there any vibration at lower speeds?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Sir, that is normal operation for that vehicle.”

Customer: “So,what might be causing this vibration?”

Me: “…Sir, where in the state of Virginia are you finding a road with a speed limit of 80 miles per hour?”

Customer: “What? What does that have to do with my vibration?”

Me: “Sir, you are asking me to fix a problem that is occurring when you are operating your vehicle in an illegal fashion. You’ve already told me that there is no vibration at lower speeds, and the vibration only occurs when you violate the speed limit laws. I can’t very well fix a problem I can’t duplicate, and since our technicians don’t test drive customers’ vehicles at illegal speeds, I will never find the issue you’re describing.”

Customer: “Tell [Salesman] to call me.” *click*

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