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    Category: Criminal/Illegal

    Tooth Isn’t The Only Thing Chipped

    | Lethbridge, AB, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink

    Customer: “Hi, I was in a few days ago, and something I ate chipped my tooth. I called and your boss said you would reimburse me.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, it’s not our policy to offer cash reimbursement without the manager present. However, if you leave your information I will pass it along to the owners and we’ll see what we can do.”

    Customer: “Oh.” *stands there staring at me for a minute*

    Me: “Is there something else I could help you with?”

    Customer: “Are you going to give me the money?”

    Me: “No, sorry, like I said, that’s not within our policy.”

    Customer: “Oh, ok.”

    (I leave to refill another customers beverage. The customer robs my float container from the drawer through some sneaky maneuvering.)

    Me: *catching the customer at the door* “I’m going to need to take that back from you.”

    Customer: *reluctantly hands the float container back to me, looking forlorn* “But….but….it’s for ME!”

    Should Have Pleaded The Fifth

    | Maine, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid

    (We use a simple chalk-marking system to monitor how long cars have been parked downtown.)

    Man: *seeing me make a small chalk mark on a car tire* “Hey! You can’t do that!”

    Me: “I’m pretty sure I can.”

    Man: “That’s illegal!”

    Me: *marking the next car* “How is it illegal?”

    Man: “It’s against the Fourth Amendment!”

    Me: “You mean the Fourth Amendment, which protects you from unlawful searches and seizures?”

    Man: “Don’t get medical with me!”

    Went To The Wrong Joint

    | California, USA | Criminal/Illegal

    (In the state of California, it is legal to sell water pipes, hookahs, bubblers, all ‘for tobacco use only’. We also cannot sell anything if a customer even hints at using marijuana.)

    Customer: *showing his ID* “Wow, you guys are strict, huh?”

    Me: “We have to check the IDs of everyone who comes in here. It’s store policy.”

    Customer: “You’re being careful, huh?”

    Me: “I have to be, because the laws are so strict. It’s very delicate. If someone says just one wrong word, I have to ask them to leave the store.”

    Customer: “So how much is that bong there?”

    Morbid Curiosity Killed The Cat

    | Utah, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Pets & Animals

    (I answer a crisis hot line for suicide, depression, drugs, any sort of thing they want to talk about.)

    Me: “[Name of Crisis Line]. My name is [name]. Do you feel comfortable sharing your first name?”

    Caller: ”Do people really ever call this line?”

    Me: “Yes, they certainly do. What’s on your mind today?”

    Caller: “Well that’s stupid. Do you just listen to depressed people all day?”

    Me: “I listen to whatever is on their mind. That’s what we’re here for.”

    Caller: “You should just tell them to off themselves.”

    Me: “Sir, if you would like to speak to an operator, I’m right here. If you are prank calling us, that is a misdemeanor and we will prosecute.”

    Caller: *obviously faking it* “Oh… well you see …my… um… my… cat…died.”

    Unlisted But Booked

    | Toronto, ON, Canada | Criminal/Illegal

    Me: “Thanks for calling, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Could you make my phone number unlisted?”

    Me: “Well, sir, I’ve got good news. Cellphone numbers aren’t listed in the phone book.”

    Caller: “No, I mean make it so that if someone calls you guys and gives you my number, you won’t give them any information.”

    Me: “Oh, well in that case you should know that we value our customers’ privacy. We would never give out any of your personal information to anyone who calls us.”

    Caller: “Even if it’s the cops?”

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