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    Category: Criminal/Illegal

    Drug Test: Scoring A Big Fat ‘D’

    | St. Louis, MO, USA | Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal, Rude & Risque

    (I am doing to pre-closing activities when a young man runs up, puts his hands on the checkout desk, and leans toward me in a panic.)

    Customer: *under his breath* “Where do you keep the penises?”

    Me: “I must have misheard you, sir. The what?”

    Customer: *still mumbling, looking around* “You know what I’m talking about. The penises.”

    Me: “I… know what those are. I’m not sure why you would think we’d carry them.”

    Customer: *getting agitated* “Not, like, real ones. You know, they come in… like… black, and white, and Asian.”

    Me: “Wait, you’re looking for a fake penis?”

    Customer: *relieved that he’s gotten through to me* “Yeah, like, so you can fill it with urine. From someone else. For a thing. Where are they?”

    Me: *now realizing this is one of our many ‘help me pass a drug test’ customers* “We don’t carry anything to help you pass a drug test, or perform any other illegal activity. I can’t sell you ANYTHING now. Store policy. Please leave.”

    Customer: “Who said anything about a drug test?”

    Me: “Sir, for what legitimate purpose could you be filling a fake penis with someone else’s urine?”

    (The customer struggled for a moment, looked around, and left.)

    Fits The Bill Of A Criminal

    | England, UK | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal, Holidays, Liars & Scammers, Money, Theme Of The Month

    (A couple of years back I worked as a Christmas temp at a major supermarket during a year off from university course. It is in the middle of a very busy shift.)

    Customer: *walks up to checkout with two very expensive electrical items*

    Me: “Hello, sir.” *scans items* “That will be £380 please.”

    Customer: *hands me a wad of £20 notes*

    Me: “Thank you very much.”

    (I start to count money out in front of him while also checking each note for authenticity.)

    Customer: *suddenly aggressive* “What are you doing?”

    Me: “I have to check that this is the correct amount of money and it is our policy to ensure that all notes are genuine. I do the same for all notes I get handed.”

    Customer: *grabs notes and starts to count them out in front of me quickly*

    Me: “Sir, I need to count the money myself so I can check each note.”

    Customer: “I am not a criminal!”

    Me: *getting suspicious* “I am not saying you are, sir. I am only doing my job as thoroughly as I can. Sometimes fake notes can be picked up by accident and the person who has them is not aware they are fake. But if I were to allow one into the till it could be passed to another customer and at that point the shop would have committed a criminal offence and could be held liable. I need to check the notes.”

    (I pick up the notes and start to check them again.)

    Customer: “I AM NOT A CRIMINAL!”

    (The manager comes over at the noise.)

    Me: “Please calm down, sir!”

    Manager: “[My Name], what is going on?!”

    Me: “This gentleman is not allowing me to check and count his money.”

    Manager: “Please calm down, sir, or we will have to call security.”

    Customer: *screaming at the top of his lungs* “I AM NOT A CRIMINAL! WHY ARE YOU TREATING ME LIKE THIS?! I WILL F****** SLIT YOUR THROAT, YOU F****** B****!”

    (Security came running over and the customer was restrained. When we checked his money all but £100 of it was fake. The police were called.)

    Customers Of Substance

    | Tallahassee, FL, USA | Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal

    (I clean up the table after a group of boys leave. I look on the floor and see a bag of illegal substance. I give it to the manager and she calls the police. After the police leave, one of the boys comes back in and walks to their same table trying to find something.)

    Me: *to customer* “It’s not there anymore.”

    Customer: “Yeah, can I have that back?”

    Me: “Sir, I gave it to the police.”

    Customer: “So, I can’t have it back?”

    Me: “No.”

    Customer: “Well, it’s not mine anyway. It’s my friend’s.”

    Me: “You came back to claim something illegal that’s not even yours…”

    Customer: “Yeah…”

    Me: “You should probably leave before the police come back.”

    (My coworkers and I couldn’t stop laughing about it all night! Silly college students!)

    I Am (Not) Sick Of All The Attention

    | UK | Bad Behavior, Criminal/Illegal, Health & Body

    (I work in the accident and emergency department of a hospital. It’s a Friday night, and Girl #1 has just come in with anaphylaxis. I am with Girl #2 at this point, who came in via ambulance.)

    Girl #2: “My friend [Girl #1] is here at the moment, and everyone was fussing over her so much! She’s fine, right?”

    Me: “I wouldn’t know; I haven’t seen her.”

    Girl #2: “I know she’s fine. Everyone is making such a big deal out of this. That’s why I called the ambulance. She can’t get all the attention to herself!”

    Me: *confused* “Wait, what? So there’s nothing wrong with you? Why are you here?”

    Girl #2: “But can you make it sound like I’m really ill? I need to be able to trump her!”

    A History Of Petty Crime

    | Montreal, QC, USA | Bad Behavior, Bizarre, Criminal/Illegal, History

    (I am working at the register at the time. Our clients often come after they have visited the Museum’s permanent exposition, taking a bite to eat.)

    Me: “Hello, sir! Did you enjoy your visit of the exposition?”

    Customer: “Incredible! This is my first time here and I just can’t believe how magnificent those antique items are!”

    Me: “Yes, I have gone back to the rooms many times myself. They truly are worth seeing.”

    Customer: “I really liked the [Important Historical Figure] room. My ancestors served under him, you know?”

    Me: “Glad you liked the visit, sir! Your lunch will come at [price].”

    Customer: “Sure, give me a minute…”

    (After he pays, as he puts money back into his wallet, I notice a familiar object from his belongings.)

    Me: “Sir… is this [personal object from Important Historical Figure]?”

    Customer: “Oh, yes! I wanted to show it to my mother! Her legs tire so much she had to stay here.”

    Me: “You’re aware that’s completely illegal and may get you arrested? You need to go give it back right now.”

    Customer: “Don’t worry. It’s part of my heritage! I’ll give it back after dinner!”

    (I pressed the emergency button and watched him argue that it was ‘’No big deal’ and his ‘heritage’ with about five security guards. It took the cops to convince him.)

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