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    Category: Criminal/Illegal

    Don’t Hold Your Breath For This One

    | Boulder, CO, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Health & Body

    (I am counseling a patient on using an inhaler.)

    Me: “Do you know how to use an inhaler, sir?”

    Patient: “Nope, never used one.”

    Me: “Okay, you’ll want to begin inhaling, and then depress the inhaler as you are breathing in. Then, hold your breath for as long as possible to allow the medication to be absorbed into your lungs.”

    Patient: “Oh, sort of like smoking pot…”

    Don’t Bank On It

    | Raleigh, NC, USA | Criminal/Illegal

    (I am assisting a young woman over the phone; she has just had her wallet stolen.)

    Caller: “Can I ask you a question?”

    Me: “Of course.”

    Caller: “I had $200 in cash in my wallet when it was stolen. If I tell the police how much was in it, will they give it to me?”

    Me: “You mean, if you tell them you had $200 in cash stolen, will they just give you $200?”

    Caller: “Yes! Will they give it to me?”

    Me: “I don’t think it works that way. If they manage to recover your wallet and the money is still inside they would probably return it to you, but I don’t think that happens very often.”

    Caller: “Oh.”

    *long pause*

    Caller: “What if I told them it was $20? Do you think they would give me that much?”

    Not All Re-Cycling Is Good

    | California, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Family & Kids, Top

    (I am in a public park, riding my quad. A little girl comes up and asks for a ride. Since I’m not accustomed to giving strangers rides, I politely decline. A few minutes later, an angry woman storms up.)

    Woman: “Excuse me!”

    Me: “Uh, yes?”

    Woman: “Why won’t you give my daughter a ride?! You made her cry!”

    Me: “Well, I’m sorry about that.”

    Woman: “So you’ll give her a ride?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, I’m sorry. I just don’t feel comfortable giving strangers rides.”

    Woman: “What terrible service! I am going to report you!”

    (I hear her on the phone with the police.)

    Woman: “Yes, this person refuses to give my daughter a ride on her quad. No, I don’t know her. What?! No, I am not on drugs!”

    Sick Of Waiting

    | Seattle, WA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Health & Body

    (A woman is several places back in line is with her son who is about 8 years old.)

    Customer’s Son: “Mom? I don’t feel good.”

    Customer: “Hang on, honey. Mommy is going to get her coffee and then she will take you to the restroom.”

    Customer’s Son: “Mom? I feel really sick.”

    (I look up and see the boy is very pale and breathing heavy.)

    Me: “Ma’am? If you would like to take your son to the restroom, we will save your place in line.”

    Customer: “No, it’s okay. We will wait.”

    Customer’s Son: “Mom. I really need the bathroom. I don’t feel good.”

    Customer: “Honey, just wait. We’ll be done in a few minutes.”

    My manager: “Ma’am, please take your son to the restroom. We’ll make your drink while you are in there. On the house. Please!”

    Customer: “No! He will have to wait.”

    (The customer’s son begins to gag and the customers near him move away from, all of them begging her to take him to the restroom immediately. A few even offer to take him themselves.)

    Customer: “I said No! He is just doing this for attention. If you ignore him he will stop.”

    Me: “Ma’am, for the last time. Please take your son to the–”

    (Customer’s son bends over and begins vomiting on the floor.)

    My manager: “Please! Get him out of here!”

    Customer: “But I don’t want to lose my place in line.”

    My manager: “Ma’am, either get him to the restroom or get him outside. Now!”

    Customer: *in a huff* “Well, fine! He’s only doing this for attention!”

    (The customer comes out 5 minutes later leading her fully recovered son by the hand. As I a finish mopping her the boy’s breakfast off the floor she collects her free coffee drink, smiles and leaves, calling out…)

    Customer: “Thank you very much. See you all tomorrow!”

    Free Cop Holder With Drink

    | Durham, NC, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Movies & TV, Top

    (A customer approaches the ticket drop, holding a half bottle of wine.)

    Me: “You cannot bring that in here, ma’am. That is against the law.”

    Customer: “What! I need to bring this in! I can’t just leave it in my car! There is a law about open containers being in cars in this state.”

    Me: “How did you manage to bring it all the way here, then?”

    Customer: “Oh, it wasn’t opened when I left. I drank it on the way here.”

    Me: “So you had an open container and you were drinking on the way here in your car?”

    Customer: “No! I hung the bottle out the window on the way here, and put my head out the window when I was drinking, so it doesn’t count!”

    Me: “Okay, I’m going to call the police now. You wait here.”

    Customer: “Okay! Is he going to hold this for me while I watch my movie?”


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