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    Category: Criminal/Illegal

    Full-On Fraud Fail

    | OK, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Top

    Customer: “I need to cash my paycheck, please.”

    Me: “Okay, may I see your ID?”

    Customer: “Sure!”

    Me: “Sir, this check hasn’t been signed.”

    Customer: “What? Oh, I see. Hang on a second.”

    (The customer signs the check in front of me with great flourish and hands it back.)

    Me: “You know I can’t cash this for you, right?”

    Customer: “Why not?  It’s signed!”

    Me: “Sir, this is a check from [employer]. We cash about half of their payroll checks every pay period. One, it’s not their payday. Two, this isn’t their logo. Three, this isn’t their bank. Four, you just forged a signature in front of me, on camera.”

    Customer: “It’s a good check!”

    Me: “Well, I’m sure the officer standing in line behind you would love to hear all about it. Did I also mention that we cash payroll checks from the city, too?”

    When Two Wrongs Make It Right

    | Washington, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Liars & Scammers, Top

    (The night previous we had a customer shoplift about $300 worth of merchandise while I was on shift. Thankfully, while she did get away with quite a bit, she escaped with only one boot of a pair as I had removed the second boot, with ink tag intact, pending acceptance of her check.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [store name] what can we help you find today?”

    Caller: “Hi! I was at your store last night and the lady that helped me shorted us a shoe!”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. What style was it?”

    Caller: “A [brand]. It was the right shoe. She was going to take the tag off and never did! I live far away so do you think you could transfer it to the [different location] store?”

    Me: “I don’t believe that would be feasible as we don’t have a way to get it to that store, but we might be able to mail it to you! Can I get your name, phone number, and address?”

    Caller: “Sure. It is [name, number & address].”

    (I get off the phone looking like the Cheshire cat. The thief had just given her full name, phone number, and address.)

    Honesty Is Not Always The Best Policy

    | Batesville, AR, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Family & Kids, Top

    Me: “Okay, your total is $123.42.”

    Customer: “Did you remember to add my discount?”

    Me: “What discount?”

    Customer: “My five finger discount.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “My five finger discount. My son comes in here all the time and says he gets a five finger discount.”

    In Real Hot Sauce Now

    | London, UK | Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink, Top

    (I walk in and stand in a line. I’ve been there for all of five seconds before a man runs in, elbows his way to the front of the queue and slams a burger in front of the cashier. She is a young teenager.)

    Customer: "You f***ing b****! How many f***ing times do I have to tell you no f***ing sauce?!"

    Cashier: *smiling all the way through the exchange* "I’m sorry sir, what seems to be the problem?"

    Customer: "You f***ing up my burger! I want a refund now!"

    Cashier: "Certainly, sir! Do you remember what time you came in at?"

    Customer: "How am I supposed to f***ing know? You’re the one who took the d*** order!"

    Cashier: "I’ll have a look, sir, if you give me one moment."

    (She taps her screen, all the while being yelled abuse at by the customer. All the other customers have since cleared out, except for me. I motion to the cashier that I’ve called the police.)

    Cashier: "Hm…oh, is this your order?” *rattles off a few items*

    Customer: "Yes, that’s my d*** order! Now give me my f***ing refund!"

    Cashier: "Certainly, sir, let me just authorise that for you."

    (She taps on her screen some more and swipes a card a few times.)

    Customer: "F***ing hurry up, you b****! My f***ing dinner’s getting cold!"

    Cashier: "My apologies sir, give me one moment. Would you like me to give you a fresh order?"

    Customer: "You’d better, you b****!”

    Cashier: *hands customer his refunded money* "Okay, it’ll be three minutes to cook your order so if you’d like to sit down-"

    (At this point the man throws the money he’s just been given at the cashier and screams abuse at her. She picks up the change and counts it.)

    Cashier: "Your change comes up to £3.71, which is just enough for another meal. Which one would you like?"

    Customer: "Would you just hurry up and give me my d*** food! Are you f***ing simple or something?”

    Cashier: "No, just distracting you ’till the police get here."

    (Two uniformed police officers walk in and take the man away, who is still cursing. The manager walks out of a side room which he has been hiding in–he’s about thirty and male–and offers her a promotion on the spot. She promptly tells him that she’d rather die than be spineless like him and quits. She then pockets the change, grabs most of the food on display and leaves, but not before thanking me and sharing half the food with me.)

    Policemen Never Take Sabbath-icals

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Religion

    (I pull a man over who is speeding and weaving between cars on the highway.)

    Driver: “Are you off duty? You can’t do traffic stops if you are off duty.”

    Me: “No, sir. See my uniform and marked vehicle?” *I point to my car with full lights on top and police written all over it*

    Driver: “They make you work on Sunday?”

    Me: “Yes, sir. We are 24/7.”

    Driver: “But who would commit a crime on a Sunday? That is blasphemy. They’ll go to hell!”


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