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    Category: Criminal/Illegal

    Finally Gets The Joint

    | Portland, OR, USA | Criminal/Illegal

    (A customer enters the shop and smells strongly of marijuana.)

    Customer: “Can I get a pack of cigarette papers?”

    Me: “Sure. Do you need any loose cigarette tobacco?”

    Customer: “Why would I want that?”

    Me: “For the cigarette papers.”

    Customer: “What? You can make cigarettes with them?!”

    Give Them A Dress And They’ll Want A Yard

    | Ellensburg, WA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Liars & Scammers

    (I sell a dress to a lady and she leaves. As I am coming back from hanging a sign, she returns to the yard sale.)

    Customer: “I want to return this dress.”

    Me: “This is a yard sale. I don’t take returns.”

    Customer: “You don’t have a sign up. You should have a sign that says no returns.”

    Me: “I don’t need one. This is a yard sale.”

    Customer: *getting angry* “I want to return the dress. I don’t want it anymore!”

    Me:  “This is a yard sale. I am not a store, so I do not take returns.”

    Customer: “That’s dishonest I’m calling 911!”

    (The customer dials 911 on her cell phone and I hear her talking to the dispatcher.)

    Customer: “Hello! I’m at a yard sale and they won’t take back my dress!”

    Don’t Hold Your Breath For This One

    | Boulder, CO, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Health & Body

    (I am counseling a patient on using an inhaler.)

    Me: “Do you know how to use an inhaler, sir?”

    Patient: “Nope, never used one.”

    Me: “Okay, you’ll want to begin inhaling, and then depress the inhaler as you are breathing in. Then, hold your breath for as long as possible to allow the medication to be absorbed into your lungs.”

    Patient: “Oh, sort of like smoking pot…”

    Don’t Bank On It

    | Raleigh, NC, USA | Criminal/Illegal

    (I am assisting a young woman over the phone; she has just had her wallet stolen.)

    Caller: “Can I ask you a question?”

    Me: “Of course.”

    Caller: “I had $200 in cash in my wallet when it was stolen. If I tell the police how much was in it, will they give it to me?”

    Me: “You mean, if you tell them you had $200 in cash stolen, will they just give you $200?”

    Caller: “Yes! Will they give it to me?”

    Me: “I don’t think it works that way. If they manage to recover your wallet and the money is still inside they would probably return it to you, but I don’t think that happens very often.”

    Caller: “Oh.”

    *long pause*

    Caller: “What if I told them it was $20? Do you think they would give me that much?”

    Not All Re-Cycling Is Good

    | California, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Family & Kids, Top

    (I am in a public park, riding my quad. A little girl comes up and asks for a ride. Since I’m not accustomed to giving strangers rides, I politely decline. A few minutes later, an angry woman storms up.)

    Woman: “Excuse me!”

    Me: “Uh, yes?”

    Woman: “Why won’t you give my daughter a ride?! You made her cry!”

    Me: “Well, I’m sorry about that.”

    Woman: “So you’ll give her a ride?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, I’m sorry. I just don’t feel comfortable giving strangers rides.”

    Woman: “What terrible service! I am going to report you!”

    (I hear her on the phone with the police.)

    Woman: “Yes, this person refuses to give my daughter a ride on her quad. No, I don’t know her. What?! No, I am not on drugs!”


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