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    Category: Criminal/Illegal

    Unlisted But Booked

    | Toronto, ON, Canada | Criminal/Illegal

    Me: “Thanks for calling, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Could you make my phone number unlisted?”

    Me: “Well, sir, I’ve got good news. Cellphone numbers aren’t listed in the phone book.”

    Caller: “No, I mean make it so that if someone calls you guys and gives you my number, you won’t give them any information.”

    Me: “Oh, well in that case you should know that we value our customers’ privacy. We would never give out any of your personal information to anyone who calls us.”

    Caller: “Even if it’s the cops?”

    Criminal Behavior

    | Calgary, AB, Canada | Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid

    (For 11 days each summer Calgary goes a bit crazy with The Stampede. Businesses are decorated in Old West themes, and our bank is no exception. For the occasion we printed up ‘Wanted Dead or Alive’ posters featuring our manager and certain tellers and plastered them around the lobby. A customer walks in, looks at the posters, looks around in alarm at our bank manager and then sidles up to my line.)

    Customer: “Are you alright? I know you can’t talk, but do you want me to call 911?”

    Me: “What’s the problem ma’am?”

    Customer: “Are they holding you hostage?”

    Me: “Who?”

    Customer: “Them!” *gestures at my bank manager*

    Me: Oh, ma’am, they’re not criminals, they’re regular staff. This is Stampede!”

    Customer: “You shouldn’t put up posters like that. It’s like yelling ‘Fire!’ in a movie theater!”

    Finally Gets The Joint

    | Portland, OR, USA | Criminal/Illegal

    (A customer enters the shop and smells strongly of marijuana.)

    Customer: “Can I get a pack of cigarette papers?”

    Me: “Sure. Do you need any loose cigarette tobacco?”

    Customer: “Why would I want that?”

    Me: “For the cigarette papers.”

    Customer: “What? You can make cigarettes with them?!”

    Give Them A Dress And They’ll Want A Yard

    | Ellensburg, WA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Liars & Scammers

    (I sell a dress to a lady and she leaves. As I am coming back from hanging a sign, she returns to the yard sale.)

    Customer: “I want to return this dress.”

    Me: “This is a yard sale. I don’t take returns.”

    Customer: “You don’t have a sign up. You should have a sign that says no returns.”

    Me: “I don’t need one. This is a yard sale.”

    Customer: *getting angry* “I want to return the dress. I don’t want it anymore!”

    Me:  “This is a yard sale. I am not a store, so I do not take returns.”

    Customer: “That’s dishonest I’m calling 911!”

    (The customer dials 911 on her cell phone and I hear her talking to the dispatcher.)

    Customer: “Hello! I’m at a yard sale and they won’t take back my dress!”

    Don’t Hold Your Breath For This One

    | Boulder, CO, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Health & Body

    (I am counseling a patient on using an inhaler.)

    Me: “Do you know how to use an inhaler, sir?”

    Patient: “Nope, never used one.”

    Me: “Okay, you’ll want to begin inhaling, and then depress the inhaler as you are breathing in. Then, hold your breath for as long as possible to allow the medication to be absorbed into your lungs.”

    Patient: “Oh, sort of like smoking pot…”


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