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    Category: Criminal/Illegal

    Honesty Is Not Always The Best Policy

    | Batesville, AR, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Family & Kids, Top

    Me: “Okay, your total is $123.42.”

    Customer: “Did you remember to add my discount?”

    Me: “What discount?”

    Customer: “My five finger discount.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “My five finger discount. My son comes in here all the time and says he gets a five finger discount.”

    In Real Hot Sauce Now

    | London, UK | Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink, Top

    (I walk in and stand in a line. I’ve been there for all of five seconds before a man runs in, elbows his way to the front of the queue and slams a burger in front of the cashier. She is a young teenager.)

    Customer: "You f***ing b****! How many f***ing times do I have to tell you no f***ing sauce?!"

    Cashier: *smiling all the way through the exchange* "I’m sorry sir, what seems to be the problem?"

    Customer: "You f***ing up my burger! I want a refund now!"

    Cashier: "Certainly, sir! Do you remember what time you came in at?"

    Customer: "How am I supposed to f***ing know? You’re the one who took the d*** order!"

    Cashier: "I’ll have a look, sir, if you give me one moment."

    (She taps her screen, all the while being yelled abuse at by the customer. All the other customers have since cleared out, except for me. I motion to the cashier that I’ve called the police.)

    Cashier: "Hm…oh, is this your order?” *rattles off a few items*

    Customer: "Yes, that’s my d*** order! Now give me my f***ing refund!"

    Cashier: "Certainly, sir, let me just authorise that for you."

    (She taps on her screen some more and swipes a card a few times.)

    Customer: "F***ing hurry up, you b****! My f***ing dinner’s getting cold!"

    Cashier: "My apologies sir, give me one moment. Would you like me to give you a fresh order?"

    Customer: "You’d better, you b****!”

    Cashier: *hands customer his refunded money* "Okay, it’ll be three minutes to cook your order so if you’d like to sit down-"

    (At this point the man throws the money he’s just been given at the cashier and screams abuse at her. She picks up the change and counts it.)

    Cashier: "Your change comes up to £3.71, which is just enough for another meal. Which one would you like?"

    Customer: "Would you just hurry up and give me my d*** food! Are you f***ing simple or something?”

    Cashier: "No, just distracting you ’till the police get here."

    (Two uniformed police officers walk in and take the man away, who is still cursing. The manager walks out of a side room which he has been hiding in–he’s about thirty and male–and offers her a promotion on the spot. She promptly tells him that she’d rather die than be spineless like him and quits. She then pockets the change, grabs most of the food on display and leaves, but not before thanking me and sharing half the food with me.)

    Policemen Never Take Sabbath-icals

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Religion

    (I pull a man over who is speeding and weaving between cars on the highway.)

    Driver: “Are you off duty? You can’t do traffic stops if you are off duty.”

    Me: “No, sir. See my uniform and marked vehicle?” *I point to my car with full lights on top and police written all over it*

    Driver: “They make you work on Sunday?”

    Me: “Yes, sir. We are 24/7.”

    Driver: “But who would commit a crime on a Sunday? That is blasphemy. They’ll go to hell!”

    Pills For Thrills Don’t Work On Tills

    | South Carolina, USA | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal

    (A customer comes up to the register angry and acting pretty drunk.)

    Customer: “I bought this purse from you guys, and whenever I go to a store the alarm goes off! You need to fix it!”

    Me: “Ma’am, we’ve removed the sensor when you purchased it. You should be fine. It must be something inside your purse.”

    Customer: “No! It’s the purse! D*** fix it!”

    Me: “Ma’am, you really need to calm down. Our door alarm didn’t go off when you entered the store.”

    Customer: “That’s because it only happens at other stores!”

    Me: “Well, the only other option is to take your purse apart. I don’t think you want to do that. Are you sure you don’t have any prescription drugs or CDs in there? Those can sometimes trigger the alarm.”

    Customer: “I have pills, but they’re not exactly prescription.”

    *awkward silence before the customer realizes what they have said*

    Customer: “F**k you. I’m not going to jail for this!” *storms out*

    Tooth Isn’t The Only Thing Chipped

    | Lethbridge, AB, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink

    Customer: “Hi, I was in a few days ago, and something I ate chipped my tooth. I called and your boss said you would reimburse me.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, it’s not our policy to offer cash reimbursement without the manager present. However, if you leave your information I will pass it along to the owners and we’ll see what we can do.”

    Customer: “Oh.” *stands there staring at me for a minute*

    Me: “Is there something else I could help you with?”

    Customer: “Are you going to give me the money?”

    Me: “No, sorry, like I said, that’s not within our policy.”

    Customer: “Oh, ok.”

    (I leave to refill another customers beverage. The customer robs my float container from the drawer through some sneaky maneuvering.)

    Me: *catching the customer at the door* “I’m going to need to take that back from you.”

    Customer: *reluctantly hands the float container back to me, looking forlorn* “But….but….it’s for ME!”


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