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    Category: Criminal/Illegal

    Numbers Don’t Lie

    | Perth, Western Australia, Australia | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal

    (I’m a checkout assistant at a supermarket working the night of Halloween. A teenager and his girlfriend come to the checkout at about 8pm with three dozen eggs.)

    Me: “You’re not the ones who have been egging people in the carpark, are you?”

    Customer: “Uh, no. We, um, just want to make an omelette.”

    Me: “You’re making a thirty-six egg omelette? How big is your frying pan?”

    Customer: “S***.” *runs out of the store*

    This Deal Is A Steal, Part 2

    , | Massachusetts, USA | Criminal/Illegal

    (A woman enters with one of our store bags in her hand and a receipt in the other.)

    Me: “Hello, is this a return?”

    Customer: “Yes, it is.”

    (I take a glance at the receipt.)

    Me: “Ma’am, we don’t do returns after 30 days of the purchase. You bought this item in March 2007. That was over four years ago.”

    Customer: “What’s your point?”

    Me: “Well, I can’t return this, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Okay, I guess that’s fine. I’ll be back. I need to buy a few things.”

    (The customer gets back in line after 15 minutes.)

    Me: “Did you find everything you were looking for?”

    Customer: “Sure did! Here’s a coupon I have for my purchase.”

    (I glance down at the coupon.)

    Me: “Ma’am, this coupon expired in June 2008. That was over three years ago.”

    Customer: “Why does your store not honor this? It’s a coupon!”

    Me: “Yes, but it’s an expired coupon.”

    (The customer angrily storms off, taking her unpaid item with her out the door. I am forced to write down her license plate number and call the cops on her.)

    Related:
    This Deal Is A Steal

    One You Suck And One Is Blow

    | Texas, USA | Criminal/Illegal

    (Our store sells tons of marijuana inspired products, but we are not a head shop. A man approaches the counter with one of our huge tower incense burners.)

    Customer: “Yeah, I smoke a lot of weed.”

    Me: *laughs* “Okay, will this be it for today?”

    Customer: *ignoring my question* “Nah, I don’t smoke weed anymore. My job won’t let me!”

    Me: “Those darn drug tests, huh?”

    Customer: “Yeah. I switched to cocaine, because it goes out of your system in a couple days!”

    Me: *speechless*

    (The man continues to laugh about this and walks nonchalantly out of the store with his wife and children.)

    Do Not Pay Debts, Go Directly To Jail

    | Oklahoma City, OK, USA | Criminal/Illegal

    Me: “Thank you for calling [satellite TV company]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “I’ve bought some used equipment. I need to turn it on.”

    Me: “Yes, sir. Could I have the serial number?”

    (The serial number brings up an account in collections for over $800.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We cannot activate your equipment until the previous owner closes his account. Can you contact him?”

    Caller: “No.”

    Me: “Why not?”

    Caller: “He’s in jail in Mexico.”

    A Genuine Cents Of Change

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada | Criminal/Illegal, Top

    (At this coffee shop, do not accept $100 bills because all $20 are automatically dropped into a safe and we cannot make adequate change. It’s a particularly busy day with a rather long line, and a customer approaches.)

    Customer: “I want a medium americano.” *hands me $100 bill*

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t have enough change to accept that bill. Do you happen to have anything smaller?”

    Customer: “No, this is all I have. I don’t have anything smaller.”

    Me: “Well then, today is your lucky day. Your drink is on me today!”

    (Note: I am trying to get the line moving and we’re allowed to give an arbitrary number of free drinks away a day if we think it’ll make the customer happy.)

    Customer: “No, just take the money, please. I don’t want the free drink. Just get the change from the safe.”

    Me: “I can’t do that, but your free drink will be up on the counter quickly.”

    Customer: “I don’t want the free drink!” *storms out without drink*

    (My manager, who had been eavesdropping on the entire exchange, approaches me after the customer leaves.)

    Manager: “Well, that bill was obviously counterfeit. Good for you for not accepting it!”


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