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    Category: Criminal/Illegal

    Painting Yourself Into A Corner

    | New York, USA | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal

    (I’m working on returns when a customer comes in with a can of paint from our store. An off-duty cop in his uniform just happens to walk in behind her, but she doesn’t notice.)

    Customer: “This paint is crap! I don’t have a receipt, and I didn’t pay with a card, so a merchandise credit will be fine.”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, this paint was never tinted, and it clearly says here ‘Must Be Tinted’. Also, our cashiers cannot check out anyone with paint unless they have a valid tint code, or the paint does not need to be tinted.”

    Customer: “Are you accusing me of stealing?!”

    Cop: *still standing behind her* “He gives a valid case.”

    (She whips around, and turns the whitest color I have ever seen. After confirming with the manager, the cop has her arrested for petty theft; double-checking on the cameras throughout the day confirmed she did indeed steal the paint.)

    Would You Like Smoke Up Or Delivery

    | Bucks County, PA, USA | Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink

    (Note: My boss only purchased this particular pizza shop about four years ago. I am answering a phone call at the beginning of my shift.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [shop name]. Will this be for pick-up or delivery?”

    Customer: “Uh, is this the NEW [shop name]?”

    Me: “Yes, the current owner purchased this restaurant about four years ago.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. Uh…can I get a delivery?”

    Me: “Sure! What’s your address?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I just want two large pies and a dime bag.”

    Me: *taken aback* “Um…excuse me?”

    Customer: “Two large pies and a dime bag.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir…a dime bag?!”

    Customer: “Can’t I get a dime bag with my delivery?”

    Me: “No, absolutely not. We only sell food here…no dime bags!”

    Customer: “Oh, okay then.”

    (He proceeds to give me his contact information for two large pies. After the call ends, I bring the order into the kitchen. However, before I have a chance to even hand the slip to the cook, the phone rings again.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [shop name]. Will this be for pick-up or delivery?”"

    Same Customer: “Uh, yeah, I wanna cancel my order for two large pizzas.”

    Me: “Okay, so you want to cancel the two pizzas, correct?”

    Same Customer: “Yeah. Unless I can get a dime bag with them, that is.”

    Me: “No, you still can’t get a dime bag.”

    Same Customer: “Oh, okay. Yeah, cancel the order…”

    (I found out later that 15 years ago, a previous owner used to run a little “side operation” for quite some time before the police caught on and sent him to jail.)

    The Strong Arm Of The Law

    | Baton Rouge, LA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Liars & Scammers, Top

    (Our store buys used video games to resell. It’s not uncommon for people to try to sell stolen merchandise, so we have a “bad trader” list. Two teens walk in, and one of them is on our list. I recognize them immediately.)

    Me: “Hi, welcome to [store name]. How can I help you?”

    Customer #1: “Yeah, I want to trade some games in.”

    (Customer #1 hands me a stack of games, but it’s just discs…no cases.)

    Me: “Are you over 18 with a valid picture ID?”

    Customer #1: “No, but he is.”

    Customer #2: *hands me his ID*

    (I quickly look through the games. I take Customer #2′s ID and verify he is on our bad trader list.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, but we can’t take these.”

    Customer #1: “Man, why not?!”

    Me: “We just don’t need these in stock right now.”

    Customer #1: *getting aggressive* “I trade in here all time! You gotta take my games. There ain’t nothin wrong with ‘em!”

    Me: *stalling* “We can’t take them. I can check the computer and tell you what they’re worth, but I can’t take them.”

    Customer #1: “Okay, yeah…check ‘em.”

    (While I’m checking the games, a really big, burly guy walks in.)

    Burly Guy: *to me* “Ma’am, don’t give them any money for those games! I saw them steal those games from [retailer] across the street and take them out out of their packaging before coming in here.”

    (At this point, Customer #1 starts edging towards the door. The burly guy reaches out and grabs him by his collar with one hand.)

    Burly Guy: *whips out his police badge* “If you take one more step, I WILL taze you!”

    (The two thieves were arrested right then and there!)

    Thick(headed) As Thieves, Part 2

    | UK | Criminal/Illegal, Technology, Top

    (Our ISP has recently had to block access to a certain download site as the result of a court order. This takes place the day that the block came into effect.)

    Customer: “Why can I not access [site]?”

    Me: “As part of a court order, [site] has now been blocked on our network. If you wish further information regarding this please refer to [information site].”

    Customer: “I want a discount!”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “I want a discount! I pay for a service and you are now limiting my service. I want money off my subs!”

    Me: “I’m afraid that we cannot do that.”

    Customer: “What am I supposed to do now? I got hundreds of movies, shows and games off that site! Where will I get them now?”

    Me: “I guess you’ll have to purchase them, sir.”

    Customer: “Why? They’re available free online and now you’re preventing me getting them. How is that fair?”

    Me: “Most of the content on that site was illegal and it is against the terms of your service to use your connection for the illegal download of copyrighted material.”

    Customer: “Don’t be stupid. If it was illegal, why would it be available for download for free?”

    Me: “That’s why we’ve had to block the site, sir. It’s because of all the illegal content.”

    Customer: “Well, I don’t download anything illegal from it, so unblock it now!”

    Me: “What was the last thing you downloaded, sir?”

    (The customer tells me the name of an exceptionally popular movie. It’s still doing extremely well in the cinema, and won’t be available at retail until September.)

    Me: “That’s still in the cinemas, sir. You can’t even buy that in the shops yet. That would be an illegal download.”

    Customer: “No, it’s not!”

    (This goes on for another 15 minutes, with the customer adamant that because he could download it for free, then it must be legal. Note that he has also been extremely rude and aggressive whilst I remain calm.)

    Me: “Sir, I take it that you are going to continue to download illegal material?”

    Customer: “Yes, because it’s not illegal!”

    Me: “That’s fine, sir. I’ve just processed an immediate cancel of your services. Your broadband service will be cancelled within the next hour due to breach of your terms of service. Your details will also be passed to the relevant authorities to investigate your illegal activities. Your final bill is [price]. We no longer wish you as a customer. Thank you for your time.”

    (I passed on the details and his service was cancelled within 10 minutes. I’ve yet to hear about whether he was investigated or not. My manager gave me a cookie for dealing with the call so well.)

    Related:
    Thick(headed) As Thieves

    To Conjugate A Thief

    | San Francisco, CA, USA | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal, Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Language & Words, Top

    (Although I don’t look like it, I am fluent in Japanese and Korean. I am working at a register, checking out a Japanese family that is buying snacks.)

    Father: *in Japanese* “Son, when the cashier isn’t looking, put the candy bars in your pockets so we don’t have to pay for them.”

    (Hearing this, I add the candy bars to the purchase. The family pays and leaves. Two minutes later, the father returns.)

    Father: “Why did you charge me for four candy bars?! I didn’t buy any candy bars! You just charged me to make extra money! I want to see your manager!”

    Me: *in Japanese* “Maybe you should come up with your plans to steal 89 cent candy bars BEFORE you come up to the register.”

    (The father was stunned. He apologized and left embarrassed.)

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