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    Category: Criminal/Illegal

    One You Suck And One Is Blow

    | Texas, USA | Criminal/Illegal

    (Our store sells tons of marijuana inspired products, but we are not a head shop. A man approaches the counter with one of our huge tower incense burners.)

    Customer: “Yeah, I smoke a lot of weed.”

    Me: *laughs* “Okay, will this be it for today?”

    Customer: *ignoring my question* “Nah, I don’t smoke weed anymore. My job won’t let me!”

    Me: “Those darn drug tests, huh?”

    Customer: “Yeah. I switched to cocaine, because it goes out of your system in a couple days!”

    Me: *speechless*

    (The man continues to laugh about this and walks nonchalantly out of the store with his wife and children.)

    Do Not Pay Debts, Go Directly To Jail

    | Oklahoma City, OK, USA | Criminal/Illegal

    Me: “Thank you for calling [satellite TV company]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “I’ve bought some used equipment. I need to turn it on.”

    Me: “Yes, sir. Could I have the serial number?”

    (The serial number brings up an account in collections for over $800.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We cannot activate your equipment until the previous owner closes his account. Can you contact him?”

    Caller: “No.”

    Me: “Why not?”

    Caller: “He’s in jail in Mexico.”

    A Genuine Cents Of Change

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada | Criminal/Illegal, Top

    (At this coffee shop, do not accept $100 bills because all $20 are automatically dropped into a safe and we cannot make adequate change. It’s a particularly busy day with a rather long line, and a customer approaches.)

    Customer: “I want a medium americano.” *hands me $100 bill*

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t have enough change to accept that bill. Do you happen to have anything smaller?”

    Customer: “No, this is all I have. I don’t have anything smaller.”

    Me: “Well then, today is your lucky day. Your drink is on me today!”

    (Note: I am trying to get the line moving and we’re allowed to give an arbitrary number of free drinks away a day if we think it’ll make the customer happy.)

    Customer: “No, just take the money, please. I don’t want the free drink. Just get the change from the safe.”

    Me: “I can’t do that, but your free drink will be up on the counter quickly.”

    Customer: “I don’t want the free drink!” *storms out without drink*

    (My manager, who had been eavesdropping on the entire exchange, approaches me after the customer leaves.)

    Manager: “Well, that bill was obviously counterfeit. Good for you for not accepting it!”

    Honest Heisters

    | Dublin, Ireland | Criminal/Illegal

    Me: “Hi. We are calling from [company]. Would you have some time to take part in a survey about Ireland?”

    Customer: “No, I can’t take part. I’m just a burglar here.”

    Me: “Oh, okay…we will try again some time.”

    Of Inky Inputs And Inopportune Idioms

    | Perth, Australia | Criminal/Illegal

    (I am a employee at a electronics store. We are having a fairly normal day. As I am attending to a woman, two men barge through the shop and demand that everyone drop to the ground.)

    Customer: *starts looking through her purse*

    Me: “Ma’am, I think we should do what they say and not call the police.”

    Customer: “No, I’m not looking for that…ah! Here it is!”

    (The customer holds up a pen. Meanwhile, I’m lying on the floor with a confused look on my face.)

    Customer: *whispers* “The pen is mightier then the sword.”


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