Featured Story:
  • Always Time For A Rhyme
    (2,147 thumbs up)
  • Category: Criminal/Illegal

    Yukon Not Steal It

    | Strasbourg, France | Canada, Criminal/Illegal, Family & Kids, Language & Words, Tourists/Travel

    (I’m Canadian, but I’m visiting my French cousin and helping him do some repairs on his cafe. While we’re working, a large family passes by, obviously lost. I’m wearing a shirt with a large Canadian flag on the back.)

    Mother: “Excuse me! I’m sorry to bother you, but are you Canadian?”

    Me: “Yes, I am.”

    Mother: “Thank god! We’ve been lost for hours.”

    (She shows me her map. Ultimately, I work out they’re trying to cross the border into Germany, but got lost trying to find out how to get there.)

    Father: “Good thing the signs are all in French, or else we wouldn’t have managed to find our way around anywhere!”

    Me: “Yeah, it sure makes things easier for Canadians, eh?”

    (Suddenly, there’s a scuffle behind me. My cousin comes out dragging two of their sons behind him.)

    Cousin: “They were trying to steal bottles of juice! I heard them planning it!”

    Son #1: *to Son #2* “Well, how was I supposed to know they speak French here? They all sound so different!”

    (Quebecois and French speakers do sound somewhat different, but angry mothers are universal!)

    Related:
    Yukon Call Them
    Yukon See It On A Map, Part 3
    Yukon Not Spend It
    Yukon Not Believe This Juan

    This Phone-y Claim Doesn’t Ring True

    | North Carolina, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Liars & Scammers, Top

    (I am working the front counter at the post office. Customer #1 is in front of me, while Customers #2 and #3 are at the center counter filling out paperwork.)

    Customer #2: “Hey, have you seen my cellphone?”

    Customer #3: “I thought you brought it in with you.”

    Customer #2: “Yeah, so did I. Can you call it for me?’

    (Customer #3 obliges and dials Customer #2′s phone. Surprisingly, a phone starts ringing. Customer #2 walks around by the front of the counter and looks at Customer #1.)

    Customer #1: “Ma’am, I think my phone is in your purse.”

    Customer #1: “No, you must be mistaken. That’s my phone.”

    Customer #2: “Well, if it’s your phone, aren’t you going to answer it?”

    Customer #1: “I think I’ll let it go to voicemail.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I think you need to show us that phone.”

    (She reluctantly reaches into her purse and brings out the phone. Customer #2 takes the phone.)

    Customer #2: “That is MY phone!”

    Customer #1: “Oh, I’m so sorry, I forgot. I did find it on the counter and I was going to turn it in, but I got distracted…”

    (Moral of the story: if you’re going to steal a cellphone, have the sense to turn the ringer off!)

    Honesty Is The Sweetest Policy

    | Robeline, LA, USA | Awesome Customers, Bigotry, Criminal/Illegal, Family & Kids, Language & Words, Top

    (An Hispanic woman and her son, who is about six, come into the store. The mother gets the little boy a soda and he grabs a candy bar. Note: they are standing in the middle of our candy aisle, which I don’t have a completely clear view of.)

    Little Boy: “Mama, can I have this? I’ve been good!”

    Mother: *in English* “No, put it back. I don’t have the money for it and the soda.” *in Spanish* “Just put it in your pocket. She will never know.”

    Little Boy: “No!”

    Mother: *in Spanish* “That stupid b**** will never know! She can’t see you from there!”

    Me: “Excuse me, ma’am?”

    Mother: *innocently smiles* “Yes?”

    Me: *in Spanish* “The stupid b**** speaks Spanish.” *in English* “So, if you’re smart, you’ll either put the candy bar on the counter with the soda, or put it back. It’s your choice.”

    (The mother puts the candy bar back, pays for the drink, and then walked out. The little boy lags behind and approaches the counter by himself.)

    Little Boy: *shakes his head* “I don’t know why mama thinks white people don’t know Spanish.” *whispers* “That’s racist!” *normal volume* “Don’t worry, when we get home Daddy and I will put Mama in time-out for being bad and saying a dirty word!”

    (The kid made my day, so I bought him the candy bar for being honest and so adorable!)

    Of Big Mouths And Even Bigger Customers

    | Waynesboro, PA, USAWaynesboro, PA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Top, Underaged

    (At the gas station where I work, a bunch of young, smart-mouthed customers are holding up the line, talking about how f***ed up they’re going to get that night. I call several times but they’re too busy goofing off to notice. Eventually, a large, 6’6″ and ripped middle-aged gentleman who is also waiting taps one of the young customers on his shoulder. The young customer almost mouths off to the large gentleman, but thinks better of it and turns to me.)

    Young Customer: “Hey, can I get a pack of cigarettes?”

    Me: “I’m gonna need to see your ID.”

    Young Customer: “I’m gonna need to see YOUR ID!”

    (I immediately pull out my wallet and flip it open so it’s showing my ID.)

    Me: “Still gonna need to see your ID.”

    Young Customer: “Look, a**hole! I’m old enough to buy alcohol and you will sell me—”

    (At this moment, the large and ripped gentleman who has been patiently waiting behind walks up, pushes the smart-mouthed customer out of the way, and puts his stuff down.)

    Gentleman: “Hey, can I get a pack of cigarettes?’

    Me: “Not a problem, sir.”

    Gentleman: *to the young customer* “THAT’S how easy it is for adults. Maybe you’ll get there someday.”

    Dopey Duplicators Can’t Dupe Us

    | Mississippi, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Liars & Scammers, Underaged

    (Keep in mind that our store keeps records of people who try to trade in or sell defective, illegally copied, or stolen merchandise. One day, a teenage customer comes in with a shoebox filled with about 40 unboxed games for the Nintendo DS.)

    Coworker: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I’d just like to get some cash for these games.”

    Coworker: “Alright, I just need to see some ID…”

    (My coworker does a quick check and finds that this particular customer is known for having sold us defective and illegally copied games.)

    Coworker: “Do all of these games work?”

    Customer: *face turns bright red* “Uhh… y-yeah. Yeah, they… they do.”

    Coworker: “Are you sure?”

    Customer: “Y-yeah.”

    Coworker: “Mind if I test this one out?”

    (My coworker proceeds to pull out his Nintendo DS. By now, the customer knows he’s been caught and begins shaking.)

    Customer: “Y-you know what, never mind. I’m f-f***ing outta here!”

    (He left his entire box of games on the counter. Most of them didn’t work, and the ones that did work were obviously copied. We never saw the kid again.)

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