October Theme Of The Month: Halloween!

Category: Criminal/Illegal

You Just Weeded Yourself Out, Part 2

| Portland, OR, USA | Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal

(My coworker is cleaning out the fitting room and finds a fairly generous bag of weed. Later in the day the police stop by in the back room and are picking it up. Meanwhile on the floor…)

Customer: “Hey, I left a bag here earlier.”

Me: “Okay, what kind of bag?”

Customer: “Just a ziploc bag with some… cooking herbs…”

Me: “Uh. Well, my coworker did find a bag matching that description earlier.”

Customer: “Can I have it back?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “What? Why not! You guys are stealing my… herbs. I’m a… chef… I need those!”

Me: “Well, I can go tell the police officers in the back that the owner of the marijuana came back if you would like.”

(The customer turned around and ran right out of the store.)

You Just Weeded Yourself Out

Getting Lawyered By Both Lawyers

| VA, USA | Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal

Caller: “Hi, I’m the plaintiff in a lawsuit against [Our Client]. My lawyers want to charge me a lot of money, so I was wondering if you would be my lawyers instead.”

Me: “I’m… I’m sorry, are you asking us to represent you against our own client?”

Caller: “Yeah, because then you wouldn’t have to charge me any money, right? Since you’re already getting paid to do all the work by [Our Client]?”

Me: “Okay, first of all, that’s not how it works. At all. Second, we’d be sanctioned for ethics violations just for suggesting it.”

Caller: “What the f***?! My lawyer was right. You guys are a bunch of a**holes.” *click*

(Three minutes later, his lawyer calls.)

Lawyer: “Did you just offer to represent [Caller] for free?”

Me: “No, we turned him down because, as you apparently told him, we’re a bunch of a**-holes.”

Lawyer: “He said what?! Hang on.” *speaking to someone else with his hand covering the phone* “[Caller], I’m resigning as your counsel. Get the f*** out of my office.” *back to me* “I’ll be in touch about this later.” *click*

They Will Be So Low When They See What Happens Next

| CT, USA | Bad Behavior, Criminal/Illegal, Underaged

(I’m checking IDs. A group of about five boys approach me.)

Me: “IDs, guys?”

(Customer #1 hands me his credit card instead of his ID.)

Me: “…This isn’t an ID.”

Customer #1: “Oh, right, sorry.” *he turns to his friends* “S***, bro, I’m sooooo high right now.”

Scammed Out Of Trans-cendentals

| USA | Criminal/Illegal, Hotels & Lodging, Liars & Scammers, Money

(I’m working at a hotel for the first time by myself late at night. A strange-looking customer walks in. I assume she’s a woman by her dress and heels she wears.)

Strange Customer: *in a strangely deep voice* “Hello, I’d like a room, if you don’t mind… here’s my ID and credit card.”

(She hands them to me. I run it through.)

Me: “Sorry, it’s declined.”

Strange Customer: *strangely unsurprised* “Oh, I’ve been using it all day; probably I’m at my limit! Let me call my bank.”

(She makes a phone call that I can’t hear. I sense something amiss, and quickly photocopy her ID. She turns back to me.)

Strange Customer: “My bank says it’s all right now.”

Me: *running it again* “It still says declined.”

Strange Customer: “Oh, no sweetie, all you have to do is put in this code…”

(She says a code and baffled, I type it in, doubting it will work. To my shock, it does, and the credit card goes through.)

Me: “Okay… well. Here’s your keys and sign the reg card…”

(I give her back the card and ID, and she saunters off. I think nothing of it until the next week, when a police officer comes by.)

Officer: “Yes I need to talk to you about this guy.” *holds up photocopy of ID*

Me: “Oh yeah… I remember… wait a minute, ‘he’?”

Officer: “Yes. Did he have a disguise?”

Me: “Yes, he was dressed as a woman!”

My Boss: “Come on, [My Name] that is clearly a man in the picture!”

Me: “I know, I just thought that he was a really ugly woman…”

Sew Inappropriate

| UK, USA | Bigotry, Bizarre, Criminal/Illegal

(I am in a fabric store looking at fabric for a friend’s Halloween costume, when an old lady enters and immediately comes over to me and stares for several minutes. I ignore her. She leaves, and I see her peeking around a corner at me several times. After a few minutes a policeman comes up to me.)

Policeman: “Can we take your name and address, sir?”

Me: “Okay, it’s [Address]. What’s up?”

Policeman: “We had a report that a gentleman matching your description was disrupting business here. Would you mind leaving?”

Me: “I just need to pay for my products.”

(At this point an assistant comes over and vouches for me. The police talk with the assistant. Suddenly the old lady comes barreling back.)

Old Lady: “Men should not be allowed to sew! If you were one of mine, I’d take you across my knee! This is pure sexism!” *she then slaps me* “There! Now learn your lesson and stop your evil ways.”

Policeman: *right behind her* “Ahem. Madam, would you mind stepping into the car?”

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