November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

Category: Criminal/Illegal

Not A Fruitful Theft

| Sydney, NSW, Australia | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal, Family & Kids, Food & Drink

(My boss is quite good at the whole catching-people-stealing thing. He gets pretty fed up with it all the time but usually see the funny side of what people try to steal.)

Boss: *on the phone* “Hey, [My Name], keep an eye on the family in the fruit section right now. They picked up some meat and some soft drink bottles, but I can’t see where they put them. Might just be under the pram, but check when they come though.”

(The family comes up to my coworkers till, so I take over.)

Me: “Hi, how are you today?”

Mother: “Fine.”

Me: “Well, that’s good. Just the banana and apples today?”

Mother: “Yes.”

(Having spied the top of a coke bottle sticking out from a baby’s blanket, I decide to politely point it out.)

Me: “Oh, sorry, that coke bottle; I did not see you come in with it. Did you just forget to add it?”

Mother: “You stupid b****, I came in with it. Just what are you accusing me of?”

Me: “I did not mean to offend, but often people just simply forget.”

Mother: “It’s from home. Now hurry up, silly girl, and don’t you smart mouth me again.”

(At this point my boss has quietly come from the back and stands behind me.)

Boss: “You can hand back the meat in your son’s pants as well.”


Boss: “Well, I have you on camera attempting to steal, so either drop what you have now and get out, or pay for everything and get out, but in any case do not ever come back into my store or I will call the police.”


Boss “I’m sure the police won’t agree with you. OUT!”

Thinks Very Highly Of Your Cakes

| USA | Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal, Family & Kids, Food & Drink

(I work as a cake decorator at a well known and respectable bakery. We take orders over the phone, as well as in person. One day, I received an unusual phone call. After writing down the basics of her order…)

Woman: “Can you make it a pot cake?”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Woman: “Can you put the pot in it?”

Me: “You mean you want marijuana baked into your cake?”

Woman: “Yes! A lot of it.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t do that.”

Woman: “Well, can you at least draw a pot leaf on the top of the cake?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I am not allowed to do that, either. I can decorate it with a different picture, or write something on it if you want.”

Woman: “Okay, then write on it.”

Me: “What do you want it to say?”

Woman: “Happy Birthday, Mom.”

Knows How To Rock The Boat

| Lake Oconee, GA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Transportation

(I work at a marina on a lake in a very affluent community. Many of our customers own $200k+ boats. About 30 minutes before closing, a customer pulls up to the fuel tanks in a very nice jet boat.)

Me: “Hello, welcome to [Marina]!”

Customer: “Hi, can you just fill the tank?”

Me: “Sure.”

(I proceed to fill the tank. Since it is a larger boat, a full tank is 85 gallons.)

Me: “That’ll be $185.65. Would you like to pay cash?”

Customer: “Are you joking? I’m not paying that much for fuel.”

Me: “I am sorry, sir, but you asked for a full tank.”

Customer: “Fine, just take the f****** fuel out.”

Me: “Sir, once we pump it in, we can’t just take it out. In fact, we have a sign that says just that.” *points to sign*

Customer: “F*** this s***. I didn’t pay [amount] in slip fees this summer for you to overcharge me. Where is your manager?”

Me: “Wait just one moment, sir. I will call him.”

(We wait several awkward minutes for him to arrive.)

Customer: “This f*** charged me [amount] for a tank of gas, and is now saying that I have to pay it.”

Manager: “So?”

Customer: “So, I demand that you fire this ***** for overcharging me, and give me the tank for free.”

Manager: “Sir, that is how much the tank costs. If you refuse to pay it, I will have to call the police.”

Customer: “F*** no! I ain’t gonna pay it! Good luck getting the police to make me!”

(At this point, the customer started up his engine, revved it up, and drove straight into one of the nicer boats at the marina. He ended up getting arrested and had to sell his boat to pay for the damages to the other boat. Needless to say, we won’t be seeing him around anymore.)

Blow That Idea Right Out The Window

| Montréal, QC, Canada | Criminal/Illegal, Health & Body, Hotels & Lodging

(I work at one of the very few hotels that still has smoking rooms and so have to ask every guest who does not mention his or her preference up-front which type of room they want.)

Me: “Would you like a smoking or non-smoking room”

Guest: *with what looks like a genuinely confused look on his face* “Well… what’s the difference?”

Me: “Uh… you are allowed to smoke in a smoking room. If you smoke in a non-smoking room, we charge you a $250.00 fine for doing so.”

Guest: *visibly hesitant* “Really… uh… hmm!… And what is the difference in rates between the smoking and non-smoking?”

Me: *still maintaining my professionally patient tone of voice* “Smoking rooms are only $5.00 more per day, sir.”

Guest: *seemingly thinking it over much longer then he should need to* “How about if I take the non-smoking room and blow the smoke out the window? You wouldn’t charge me for that would you?”

(Wanting to bang my head on the counter, I stop short of it by simply nodding my head ‘Yes’ with a most serious look on my face.)

Guest: “Oh!… I… guess I’ll take the smoking room, then.”

Me: “WISE choice, sir!”

Doesn’t Have A Liquor Sense

| Northampton, MA, USA | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink

(I work in a grocery store with a liquor store attached. You can pay for groceries in the liquor store, but alcohol can only be purchased in the liquor store. A customer comes up with a bottle of liquor.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, you have to pay for that in the liquor store.”

Customer: “What?! Why?”

Me: “Even though the two stores are connected, the liquor license only applies to the liquor store.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous! Can’t you just sell it to me?”

Me: “Sorry, sir, the register won’t let it go through. And anyway, I’m only 17 so it would be illegal for me to sell you this.”

Customer: “You know, you’d think that with the technology we have we’d have figured this out by now!”

Me: “Well, it’s not really a technological issue. It’s against the law…”

Customer: “The customer is always right!”